At least seven Andover, Massachusetts high school basketball players have been punished for what can only be described as one sticky hazing situation. Two students have been expelled from school while the other five have been kicked off their team after they forced two younger teammates to play the most disgusting game of one-on-one of their lives.

During some good old team hazing, the two younger players were forced to play the classic game “Ookie Cookie”, AKA “Cookies n Cream” or “Wet Biscuit”. If you’re unfamiliar, the game involves multiple males pleasuring themselves and releasing their ejaculates onto a cookie, with the last person to climax being forced to eat the cookie. And yet girls laugh and call me a two-pump chump.

The two ringleaders of the hazing were expelled while the others involved received suspensions for an unknown amount of time and will not be allowed to compete in school sports for the remainder of the school year, sources said.

In a letter to parents yesterday, Superintendent Marinel McGrath said her investigation confirmed students violated the schools’ anti-hazing and anti-bullying policies, and called the players’ actions “both disappointing and disturbing.”

(Via the Eagle Tribune)

Disappointing and disturbing? How about horrifying and life-altering? Screw expulsion and being kicked off the team. The guy who “won” this game already got his ass out of dodge and transferred to a school in another district. But the guy who ate the cookie? He needs to transfer to another continent, which is totally unfair. The only just punishment for these kids is eye for an eye.

The poor guy who was forced to eat the cookie should not only be allowed to prepare an entire meal for the 7 guys involved, but he should be able to air their buffet of bodily fluids on TV. I suggest something pube-based with a carb-light doo-doo sauce, and if they need a venue for the meal, I recommend in the middle of the Mass Pike.

Thanks to round-the-clock news that focuses on news that shouldn’t really be focused on, we know considerably more about Casey, AKA Zangief’s Son, AKA Kid Zangief, AKA Casey the Punisher, AKA that kid who body slammed the bejesus out of that stupid kid who was picking on him. Casey Heynes is a Year 10 student at Chifley College’s Dunheved Campus in Australia, and his tormentor was a younger student named Ritchard Gale. According to numerous reports, both students were suspended for 4 days (one report claimed that Gale was suspended for 17 days), and despite Casey’s evident case of self defense, the school’s officials claimed that they have a zero tolerance policy on any kind of fighting. Even Foxy Boxing? Damn, I thought you were cool, Australia.

While Casey’s parents have expressed their concern over their son becoming an instant worldwide hero – coincidentally during the same week as Australia’s National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence tomorrow (the focus is ironically bystanders, presumably with video cameras) – it is Gale’s mother who has come out and demanded an apology from Casey.

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When my paisano Vincenzo emailed me this video we wondered if I could turn it into something sports-related. Eventually I just said, “F*ck it” because I’m a rebel and I don’t play by the man’s rules. But if you really want to be a jerk about it, I’ll point out that schoolyard fights are one of this country’s most time-honored competitive traditions. And while nerdy celebrities continue to bring attention to bullying in our public schools, I think it’s high time that we told the bullies to meet us at the bike rack for a little ass kicking.

Take this kid, for instance, who found some Twitter fame yesterday under the nickname “Zangief’s Son” and “Kid Zangief”, an obvious nod to Street Fighter. It appears that Big Z here was the target of a tiny Napoleon’s wrath, and while pipsqueak got one good shot in, Z’s reaction is just downright priceless. According to Deadspin, his actual name is Casey and he’s been a constant target of bullying. Sadly, he ended up getting suspended for defending himself.

Casey’s big moment after the jump, as well as a special remix…

UPDATE: I fixed the video. Sorry, I’ve been out apologizing to all the fat kids I used to pick on.

UPDATE No. 2: Both kids were suspended for four days, according to MSNBC, but Casey’s family believes that he’s in for even worse treatment when he returns to school.

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