If you’re an Oakland Raiders fan, you’re probably pretty excited about this year’s team, despite their loss on Sunday. Then again, if you’re a Raiders fan, you may have not even known that the Raiders lost on Sunday, since the Los Angeles TV station showing the game cut it off in the final minute, as the Raiders were holding onto a 4-point lead. With 27 seconds left, Buffalo quickly found the red zone and…

Before the shotgun snap even took place with Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick calling signals, the swirling CBS logo came up, followed by a commercial for McDonald’s sausage McMuffins, one for a cell phone company, another for Nissan, one more for McDonald’s extra-value menu, a station promo the “CSI” season premiere, and then an aerial shot of with Jim Nantz proclaiming: “Looking down at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Mass. – Chargers, Patriots … hello friends.”

(Via Los Angeles Daily News)

I guess being on the East Coast, I have no clue when stuff like this happens, because I watched the end of this game on three TVs as CBS was cutting to it on every feed we had on at the time. Of course, it doesn’t affect me one way or another to miss the end of that game, but I can’t even imagine the rage that Raiders fans must have been feeling.

At least the NFL understands their pain.

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I don’t want to be presumptuous, but is it safe to assume that a guy who orders, proudly displays and probably eats a birthday cake shaped like an enormous black lady-ass probably doesn’t have healthy relationships with women?

I can’t say for sure, but this is the 25th birthday cake of Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, a 24-year old whose birthday isn’t until tomorrow. Flopping Out posted the pictures from his party and their found their way to Hot Clicks, and soon everyone will be able to enjoy the most urban version of Alive ever. I just hope the cake had vanilla on the inside, because nobody should want to eat chocolate out of an ass.

Personally, my favorite part of the cake is that the baker made a gigantic food ass but still put underwear on it. Is it too hard to bake a butthole? Couldn’t you just put a gumdrop between the cheeks and call it a day? Maybe we’ll find out soon on the grossest ever episode of “Ultimate Cake Off”.

[butt tip to Hot Clicks]

A loosely organized Christian movement has spread the word around the globe that Jesus Christ will return to earth on Saturday to gather the faithful into Heaven. Some people believe it, even though there’s a whole big part of the Bible that says nobody can know when Judgment Day is upon us (not even James Cameron) and that anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. There is a theological difference in the amillennial and postmillennial views of The Rapture, as well as inconsistencies in pre and posttribulation planning, but former Buffalo Bills All-Pro linebacker Darryl Talley will be live-tweeting the entire thing, including his after-rapture pool cleanup.

A few things to keep in mind should Jesus not actually return to Earth this weekend:

1) A failed prediction of The Rapture, even if it is believed by well-meaning Christians, should not be seen as proof that Christianity is “wrong.” These guys don’t speak for every Christian, and most rational people aren’t locking their dogs in the pool house and preparing to be taken. The “outspoken” representatives of any religion are usually the ones ruining it for everyone else.

2) Space out your episodes of “Growing Pains,” because Kirk Cameron is leaving no matter what you say happened and they aren’t gonna make any more.

3) Darryl Talley is not an authority on anything and should not be praised for trolling hastags.

But since we’re in the business of praising a-holes for being a-holes, click through for the best of Darry Talley Presents: The Rapture.

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Well…no. This is actually a concept design created by Eric Epp, a graphic designer from Niagra with a little too much time on his hands. That said, this encapsulates some of the design elements revealed by the Buffalo Bills organization: keeping the current Bills logo, but changing from red helmets to white with a new overalll uniform design. Epp brings back the white shoes, with red trim, and a classic numeral set with rounded player name letters.

The numbers are the interesting thing here: we’ve seen most NFL teams designing their own sets of numerals. The Jaguars, Cardinals, Lions and Chargers all included distinct-looking numerals with their new uniforms. That distinction makes them eligible for trademarking, a proprietary measure that gives the NFL and its teams more control over their product. Expect the Bills to unveil a design similar to Epp’s creation here, but with goofier-looking numbers on the jersey.

Apropos of almost nothing, I still owe Pete Connolly an a capella tribute to the Buffalo Bills. Any help you guys could give me with the lyrics would be appreciated in the comments.

Via Joe Buscaglia/WGR 550.

Cam Newton is being compared to a lot of quarterbacks in the NFL, and almost none of those are promising. Despite the parallel having been the likes of Michael Vick or Vince Young or Akili Smith,

Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix admitted quarterback isn’t the Bills’ biggest need because they believe veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick is a reliable starter. But both men made it clear they have to strongly consider taking a potentially great signal caller if he’s available with the third overall pick in the draft.[..]

“If you wait until you do not have a quarterback to draft one, you’re too late,” Nix said. “Now our greatest need is not quarterback. It’s definitely not quarterback. Invariably, if there’s going to be a franchise guy there and one we deem as a guy that can go eight or 10 years, be the face of the organization and take us to the playoffs and win every year, you can’t pass him up.”

Buffalo News, via FanNation.

The fact is that the Bills have not only struggled on the field (one winning season since 1999), but at the box office. And in a league where fans spend a fair amount of time following all of the teams, one doesn’t miss much by ignoring the Bills. Buffalo will have a hard time ignoring Newton if he falls to No. 3, because he’s tall and has a strong arm and all that other crap that has NFL scouts in a circle jerk. While someone like Julio Jones or Von Miller might address a greater need (and see the field a lot sooner), drafting Newton comes at a huge short-term cost, even if he eventually becomes successful.

It’ll be interesting if their first player to put on a white helmet happens to be an African-American quarterback who shows up in Orchard Park bringing more questions than answers. It would not surprise me, because it would be a stupid move, and the Bills are very fluent in stupid.

We haven’t seen TV’s Tila Tequila since she was running for her life at a Gathering Of The Juggalos concert (pictured below). She’s rebounding in a big way, appearing the latest installment of “Between Two Ferns,” that one spoof show with that one guy from The Hangover. Watch as she and Zach double-team Jennifer Aniston, who I guess has a movie coming out or something.

Tequila was involved in a domestic dispute with Chargers defender Shawne Merriman (now with the Bills), who apparently restrained her after she allegedly tried to drive home from his place while intoxicated. Merriman actually spent two hours in jail over the incident, but that’s not as bad as having to play for the Bills.

“Tell Jennifer about yourself.” Oh, man. I don’t know how many people other than Zach Galifianakis can roll out the same shtick over and over and still make it unpredictably funny. And of course Aniston ruined it with a long ending. I should have come to expect that from a woman whose claim to fame was a layered haircut.

Via NY Mag and the ShareBros.