"Give me THIS much money."

Mario Williams, the first overall selection by the Houston Texans in the 2006 NFL Draft, and one of the more prominent free agents this offseason, has agreed to a contract with the Buffalo Bills. The deal is the largest ever for a defensive player, and my sources in Buffalo have confirmed to me that “now he totally has money leaking out his butt and stuff.” From ESPN:

Mario Williams on Thursday agreed to a six-year deal with the Buffalo Bills that’s potentially worth $100 million and includes $50 million guaranteed, a league source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

It’s the richest deal for a defensive player in NFL history.

The Bills have called a 1:30 p.m. ET news conference to introduce the newest member of their defense, who joins a fearsome defensive line that also includes 2011 first-round pick Marcell Dareus and Pro Bowler Kyle Williams.

How much extra do you think Buffalo had to pay him to play there as opposed to, say, Miami? Probably a lot. Nothing personal against the citizens of western New York (luv ur wings, bros), but, I mean, if I were a 27-year-old millionaire, I would take way, WAY less to play somewhere a little more aesthetically pleasing. Maybe he felt he couldn’t turn down the extra cash, or maybe he thinks this provides him the best chance to win a championship over the next few years, but I assure you, if I were Mario Williams, I would have sent my agent a list of questions including: 1) Can I go to Miami? 2) Does Hawaii have a team? 3) If not, can we start a team there? 4) Not Buffalo. 5) I want to buy a helicopter.

I would be a terrible free agent.

I’m sure there’s plenty of NFL news and notes to update today, but the majority of games were on Saturday and you’ve probably seen Jerome Simpson landing a flip into the end zone 600 times by now (if you haven’t, it’s here). What you may not have seen nearly enough of are NFL cheerleaders dressed in all of their best holiday attire during the NFL’s Week 15 and 16 action. And I know that most of them are dressed like Santa Claus to honor Christmas, but I say holiday attire because the Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders wore blue and white so they could technically be giving the NFL’s Jewish fans some bigger candles this Hanukkah season.

Among the teams to feature their festive females were the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Tennessee Titans, Baltimore Ravens, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Colts, Buffalo Bills, Oakland Raiders, among others. And even the Los Angeles Clippers’ dancers got in on the action, as if to say, “Merry Christmas, NBA fans who stayed up late to watch the newest media bandwagon darling lay a complete thrashing on the Golden State Warriors.” Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, indeed, friends of With Leather.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Buffalo Bills have lost their last two games and fallen to 5-4, so most of the weird homemade fan anthems about Bill-ieving have stopped or been taken down. The bad news is that they turned out to be a normal, imperfect football team. The good news is that now the Buffalo sports-related rap game is WIDE OPEN, and Bills wide receiver Naaman Roosevelt and long-time teammate Domonic Cook have stepped in to claim “hottest MC in the game” from that guy listing player names over a Beach Boys YouTube instrumental.

What you need to know:

- They about to take off, take off, take off.
- They about to bloap. Bloap. Bloap. Bloap.

It’s appropriate, too, as taking off and blowing is exactly what the Bills have done this season. Additional, local analysis can be found at Buffalo.com:

Grind Hard’s “Take Off” features Cook along with Roosevelt, sporting some serious Buffalo-wear. Complete with St. Joe’s hoodies, Bills hats and Sabres shirts, there is no denying where these guys call home.

I really appreciate them doing this, as the Los Angeles Kings and Vancouver Grizzlies are my favorite Buffalo sports teams. I’d check out the Twitter links at the end of the clip, but after the week we’ve had in sports I’m staying as far away from something called the “Grind Hard Boys” as possible.

[via Fark Sports]

“HeeeeeeEEy.”

“HeeeEEEeeey.”

For some reason I’d convinced myself that the Buffalo Bills remix of ‘Kokomo’ was going to be the worst and most forced fan anthem of the year, but I severely underestimated the ability of Texas baseball fans to sit in their garage and sing into a beer bottle without any music, rhythm or reason. It’s not like Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” is a great song by any stretch of the imagination, but this lady’s hypnotically depressing version makes the original sound like the f**king Symphony No. 3 In E Flat Major. I looked in the YouTube description for some sort of context, or maybe a clue that this was all a big joke.

Mr Fister…. Bhhaahhhhahahhh

The best part is either the way they leave in some parts of the original (“radio, stereo”) despite it not vibing with the rest of the lyrics so they’ll have something to rhyme, or the way the song kinda devolves into misogyny for no reason (“you throw just like a girl, y’know”). I bet Mr. Fister is pretty happy he doesn’t sing like a girl, at least.

Be sure to watch this video now and save it somewhere, because when these people wake up at 3 PM this afternoon they’re going to remember that beer and laptops don’t mix, and take it down.

[h/t Outside The Box Score]

Educated sportswriter opinion: The Buffalo Bills will easily beat the Bengals. That game happens tonight, right?

Links

When Will Disgusting Fan Treatment Of Female Sportswriters Stop? - When the female sportswriters get hotter, am I right guys? Up high! But no, seriously, Fans Of Things need to stop being such ridiculous troglodytes about everything ever. [The Postgame]

We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Delonte West Finally Got A New Job - In case you missed this on Friday, give it a read. Burnsy is funny as hell, and I’m happy he’s got an In Real Life job, because if he didn’t, he’d have mine. [With Leather]

Words Cannot Express How Much I Want A Hobbes Stuffed Animal - DESPERATELY WANTING. I agree with the sentiment of the article, too (that buying one defies Watterson’s wishes), but Jesus. [Gamma Squad]

Well Now It Makes Sense - Were you aware that the creators of “South Park” do drugs? Did that ever cross your mind? [Warming Glow]

Read Ron Swanson’s Diary From His Time In The Woods Hiding From Tammy 1 - I think what I like so much about Parks and Rec is how comfortable I feel watching it. I don’t ever have those “why am I still watching this” moments like I do with “The Office”, or those “OH GOD NO GOD NO” moments I have watching Whitney. [UPROXX]

Two Black Swan Interns Sue Studio, Misunderstand Concept of “Intern” - Maybe it’s just one intern with two personalities! [Film Drunk]

NYPD Message To Women: Keep Wearing Skirts If You Want To Get Raped - Not the kind of thing you want to click on on a Monday morning, but something you should read and see. My message to cops: try to be good cops, for once in your f**king lives. [Buzzfeed]

Anna Faris and the Sexiest Comediennes in Movies - I think allowing yourself to be called a “comedienne” is the first step to unsexiness. [Moviefone]

Melissa Gorga Clarifies: I Wasn’t a Stripper (Just a Bikini Bartender) - Sure, that’s what every girl who dances at a strip club but doesn’t want to admit it on the Internet says. [AOL TV]

Miles the Great Dane is not so great at getting out of tubs - Yes he is. He is doing a great job. [The Daily What]

The Best Face Tattoo Mug Shots (So Far) of 2011 - smdh at you, everyone but me. [Brobible]

When I saw a video titled “Buffalo Bill-ieving” in the Monday A.M. Hot Clicks I thought for sure that somebody had added football words to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and really emphasized the “bel”. What I got was so, so much better.

To catch you up: The Buffalo Bills are the hottest team in the NFL, and their 34-31 victory over the ominous New England Patriots put them at 3-0 on the season. YouTube user “rayray3thousand” had decided that three victories to start the season erases every bad thing that has happened to the franchise and that nothing he types on the Internet could possible jinx them:

The new anthem of the 2011 Buffalo Bills… this is what happens when your friends tease you about the Bills for YEARS, and you can finally rub it back in their faces. GO BILLS

So after years of waiting with clenched fists, how does Ray Ray get back at his friends? By loading up an instrumental version of “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys and singing over it about the Bills. The best part is that the Beach Boys are still singing “Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama” in the background while Ray Ray is trying to rhyme “Fred Jackson” with “Shawne Merriman”. Also hilarious is the weird “sounds of nature” opening where I guess Ray Ray is waiting for the song to start and we get to hear a chirping bird the white noise of his house. Then we go straight into his “guy with the cane from Boyz II Men” spoken intro. Just … just a wonderful use of YouTube.

I think a team with a history like this should wait a few more weeks before they start “Bill-ieving” and approach their successes with Buffa-lo expectations.