The Major League Baseball Lifetime Pass is like Willy Wonka’s golden ticket, except instead of allowing a person to take a tour of a chocolate factory and possibly develop diabetes in record time, it grants the person who possesses it lifetime access to any MLB stadium of that person’s choice. Needless to say, based on that very brief description, I already want one and will kick and scream until I eventually pass out.

Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista doesn’t have to go to such extremes apparently, as he is the most recent recipient of this glorious card, posted to his Instagram account over the weekend. Nobody knows much about baseball’s gold card – save for BuzzFeed’s gallery and a quick Google search that shows you where you can buy Dave Parker’s gold card – but apparently they are awarded to people “in appreciation of long and meritorious service”.

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Remember earlier this year when a dozen or so Miami Dolphins fans showed up to Joe Robbie Pro Player Sun Life their stadium to protest the ongoing employment of general manager Jeff Ireland and everyone was like, “Awwwww, those poor fans think they can make Stephen Ross make good decisions”? Well, Miami Marlins fans just made those Phins fans and their “Fireland” signs look like the million man march.

With news today that the blockbuster trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays has been finalized, fans of South Florida’s embattled baseball franchise flocked to their year-old stadium to express their disdain with owner Jeffrey Loria for trading away half of their team for a group of players that doesn’t even include the Blue Jays’ top prospect. And as anyone would have expected, you could count the Marlins fans protesting on one hand.

But commissioner Bud Selig ain’t care, because this trade is in the best interest of something, apparently.

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I absolutely hate this new MLB wild card scenario. I think it’s utter hooey, and I’m sorry for being so vulgar. It’s important to remember, too, that I’m a classy and intelligent St. Louis Cardinals fan, and I still think this wild card play-in game is crap. Yes, the rule is the only reason that my underachieving team is even playing for a chance to be in the playoffs today, and I still hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.

It’s simply not fair to the Atlanta Braves, Texas Rangers, and Baltimore Orioles. And don’t give me none of that “Well it wouldn’t have been fair for the Rangers or Orioles and their 93 wins either” because they still would have had a play-in game, and I’m damn grateful for the convenience of their matching records, because otherwise my argument would have sucked more than it probably already does. By midnight tonight, we’re going to have two upset fan bases, and the AL fans will really deserve to be pissed. The NL fans, perhaps not as much. Either way, Bud Selig will probably give himself another raise.

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The sale of the Houston Astros to Houston businessman Jim Crane from technological monster Drayon McLane is official, and after the 2012 baseball season wraps up the 50-year strong National League squad will pack their their things, wait a moment, then unpack them in the same spot as an American League West stalwart. Finally, Texas can get rid of National League baseball and focus on what we love: hitting as many home runs as possible, then losing out of nowhere for no reason.

From an AP Source:

Crane reportedly agreed to the move in exchange for a drop in the sales price valued earlier this year at $680 million. The person who spoke to the AP could not confirm the sales price.

“We’ll let baseball talk about that,” current owner Drayton McLane said Wednesday night. “There were a lot of adjustments, so we’ll just wait and see what they have to say (Thursday).”

The players’ association believes two 15-team leagues would create a more proportionate schedule and has urged baseball to make the switch. With schedules for next season already completed, the earliest such a move could take place is 2013.

And here we are on Thursday, googling “Houston Astros” for the first (and possibly only) time in the calendar year.

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Nothing that follows “Taiwanese Animation explained the ownership woes of the Los Angeles Dodgers by” should be surprising, but damn if after seeing Tim Tebow stab a dolphin, Yao Ming hatch from a basketball and Manny Ramirez kick dirt on his wife I wasn’t still surprised when Bud Selig showed out of nowhere on trapeze wires and lopped off Frank McCourt’s hand with butcher knife. He should start grappling down behind people and threatening them at knife-point like that in real life. Oh, you want a salary cap? /waggles machete

After the image of McCourt’s blood-gushing stump, the best (and possibly worst) moment in the video is the Los Angeles Dodgers being referred to as “damaged goods” and depicted as a transvestite hooker who may or may not be Hong-Chih Kuo in short-shorts. At some point you’d think embed-hoarding, expressed-written-consent Major League Baseball would find one of these and send Taiwan a “stop depicting our baseball teams as whores” letter.

Hey Dodgers fans, remember the good old days, back when Frank McCourt was a principled, passionate businessman who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and led L.A. to championship prosperity alongside his beautiful, fresh-faced wife Jamie? Are you able to recall how Baseball Camelot dissolved into a two-year long hodge podge of bankruptcy, behind-closed-doors usurping and “who owns which parking lot”-style tough guy back-and-forth? Well, 24 months and $20.6 million in legal bills later, the McCourts have reached a Dodgers-related divorce settlement, readying fans for a return to … well, one of those times.

From the LAT Sports page:

Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement under which she would get about $130 million and relinquish any claim to a share of the Dodgers, multiple people familiar with the agreement told The Times.

The settlement would remove Jamie McCourt as an obstacle to Frank McCourt’s plan to retain ownership of the team by selling the Dodgers’ television rights in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. The agreement also would appear to set up a winner-take-all court showdown for the Dodgers between Frank McCourt and Commissioner Bud Selig.

As straight-forward as that reads, even that gets followed by a “the people familiar with the agreement spoke on condition of anonymity because the settlement has not been finalized”. That’s really the defining statement of the costliest divorce in California history; if the Los Angeles Times posted a story saying “Frank McCourt says sky is blue” they’d have to follow it with “however, due to outstanding legal claims, the McCourts would like to announce that the atmosphere and light scattering contribute to the sky’s purported blueness, though the science could neither be confirmed or denied at this time”.

The other key is the “winner-take-all court showdown” line, which hopefully leads to Frank McCourt and Bud Selig battling each other with pugil sticks on raised platforms above a room filled waist-high with Manny Ramirez dread-wigs.