Obligatory Bryce Harper image.

Bryce Harper is a 20-year old baseball phenom with lucrative endorsement deals, one bitchin’ Mercedes and a lifetime supply of Chipotle. I’ve also been told by strippers that he’s very handsome, but that means very little to me because my mommy tells me I’m the most handsomest man in the world. Regardless, there is very little to feel bad about when it comes to Harper, especially since he took that above picture with Brittney Palmer and then people started rumors that they were dating, and that’s pretty much the best thing that could ever happen to anyone.

So when Harper missed the Washington Nationals’ 7-3 win against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, there was obviously some concern among fans for Harper’s health. But because more people in Washington DC are concerned with Harper’s health than they are about stupid crap like healthcare or crime, the local media was quick to report that it was just a simple, harmless ingrown toenail.

And then, because people apparently asked him to, Harper Tweeted the pic of his toe right after the nail was removed. I’d warn you that this is graphic, but I’ve posted about Jon Jones’ “dislocated toe” three times, so get ready for a boo-boo.

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SWEET CAMO SHORTS, BRO.

The Washington Nationals are amazingly fortunate. The reigning NL East Champions have 20-year old phenom Bryce Harper locked up through 2018 for just (relative) pennies each year, and that allows the team to keep spending like crazy to build a winning team that won’t lose in the first round of the MLB Playoffs. Of course, if all goes to plan and Harper’s career unfolds as most people expect, he’ll eventually command the biggest payday in professional baseball history. Some goofballs even think it could be worth as much as $400 million.

Until then, poor Bryce has to get by on the $1 million-plus that he’s making each season, and sure, he bought himself a big fancy Mercedes with a Nationals logo and trunk full of bats, and sure, he has a big endorsement deal with Under Armour that pays him a ton to lift weights at a rave. But none of that is enough to put food on the table. At least not the unlimited free food that a young millionaire deserves these days.

Thank God Chipotle realized that and gave Harper that card above, which allows him a lifetime of free burritos. So where does that rank on the best moments of Harper’s young career? Amazingly, it’s not even close to No. 1.

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Washington Nationals sophomore Bryce Harper is probably going to be one of the best players of this generation and possibly the best player with a faux hawk in Major League Baseball history. So it’s only natural that we’ll soon be saturated with endless ads proclaiming how amazing the 20-year old phenom is, and the campaign will begin with his new Under Armour commercial.

Harper has been hard at work preparing for his second season in the Majors, as he took a trip back to his hometown of Las Vegas for his intense offseason workout plan that makes my morning walk to the bathroom sound almost meaningless.

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Nationals’ rookie Bryce Harper held his first ever youth baseball camp yesterday, taking time out of his very busy schedule to work with hundreds of Washington area kids on their hitting and fielding. While that is a very cool thing for a 19-year-old professional athlete to do, it is not my favorite part of the story. He also brought a giant check for $25,000 made out to the Greater Washington Urban League, which is also very cool because (a) giving back to the community that supports you and your team is a nice thing to do in general, and (b) giant checks are awesome and they should be utilized in financial transactions whenever possible. But, despite the dual-pronged coolness of this gesture, it is also not my favorite part of the story.

My favorite part of the story, you see, takes place around the 1:03 mark of the video posted below, when Bryce Harper addresses a group of kids working on their batting stances and dispenses this expert baseball advice: “Be as sexy as you can.”

I would have really liked to have been a fly on the wall of those kids’ homes last night when their parents asked them about baseball camp:

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On June 12, Washington Nationals rookie outfielder Bryce Harper responded to a reporter’s inquiry about whether or not he’d be having a “celebratory Canadian beer” with the immortal phrase, “That’s a clown question, bro”. By the morning of June 13, the Internet had beaten the joke into the ground, attributing Clown Question Bro status to everything from ICP to Pagliacci. You can find some of the best of those tweets here.

NC State head coach Tom O’Brien is still living in the morning of June 13.

Tom O’Brien, the North Carolina State Head Coach, tried to seem hip with the times at a function and used the Washington National’s Bryce Harper line “That’s a clown question, bro”. This came from a interview with Bryce Harper where a reporter asked Harper a question he did not like.

As Throw The Flag points out, it’s pretty surprising that O’Brien even knows who Bryce Harper is. His audience didn’t seem to. Well, besides that one guy who goes HENNHHHHH right before the clip stops. That guy got it HARD.

Less “clown question, bro”, more “those three things are going to carry on forever”, please.

This is a picture of Washington Nationals rookie Bryce Harper with UFC ring girl/Playboy playmate Brittany Palmer.

Compare and contrast that to the following video by YouTube’s Mallory Moreno entitled, ‘If Bryce Harper Was My Boyfriend’, a Justin Bieber parody song about how awesome of a girlfriend she’d be filmed longways on a Flip with about five minutes notice. Sample lyrics:

I got stats in my hands that i’d really like to show
show show to you
chillin at the ballpark while the sky’s blue
you don’t know about me but i know about you
so say hello to the bigggest fan of three four, swag

Long story short, this is the difference between Girls Who Like Bryce Harper, and Girls Bryce Harper likes:

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