I have a long and extensive personal history of gratifying myself to the ladies of pro wrestling. Miss Elizabeth. Sable. Debra’s Puppies. Stacy Kiebler. Terri Runnels (who kinda looked like a dude, but masturbators can’t be choosers!). And who can forget the day Torrie Wilson burst onto the WCW scene with her “David Flair Pool Hall POV Gonzo Porn” scene? Not my pants monkey, that’s for sure.

The WWE has done a fine job over the years building and maintaining a large stable of trashy, slutty looking women. And one their best is Maria Kanellis, who posed this week for a new pictorial for The Sun. Why, I do believe I have a foreign object hidden in my pants right now. She also gave the paper an interview. Hey, who knew women talked?

”I may kick some butt out there, but at the end of the day I’m still a girl and I still want to be treated like one. I need someone who is romantic even when I’m in my pajamas and watching some terrible movie and eating burnt popcorn.

Why are you burning the popcorn? I told you specifically to take it out of the microwave AS THE POPPING SLOWS DOWN. God, YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY SOMETIMES!

What? She said she wanted to be treated like a girl.

Assistant Editor Note: Do not throw batteries at anyone!  This is all in fun.  If your team lacks luster, taunt them with ribald rhymes in iambic pentameter like I do.

MLB has nearly completed a month of play, and it's time for the fans of the last place clubs to evaluate their team's performance in terms of volts of Direct Current.  The bigger the disappointment, the bigger the battery.

New York Yankees – Energizer 'D' cells.  Classic, like the Big Apple.  Heavy enough to let pitching staff know you're upset, but light enough not to do any permanent damage.  The Bombers have enough injuries.

Kansas City Royals – Eveready 'AA's.  They're light, and you get more bang for your buck – you're going to need these for a while.  

Texas Rangers – Wal-Mart brand 9 volts.  Make sure they're out of juice by licking the poles. (Hi-yo!)

Colorado Rockies – Duracell Rechargeable 'AAA's.  The Mountains still have a chance to recover, and Christian Clubhouses love to recycle.

Had the Cards played the Cubs tonight, one of these teams would be tied for last place in the NL Central with the Astros, so . . .
St. Louis Cardinals and Houston Astros – Beltone Hearing Aid batteries.  This division is wide open, but let them know you're annoyed with a token purchase.

Chicago Cubs – George Westinghouse's magic Alternate Current.  It's been 99 years, time to tell the Lovable Losers you mean business.  It will anger Thomas Alva Edison, but what has he done for you lately? 

Washington Nationals – Sears Die Hard car battery.  Add some jumper cables to reanimate Walter Johnson. 

There you have it, we'll review the standings again near Memorial Day.  And please dispose of your batteries in the proper receptacle, or, failing that, I've heard that low grade battery acid makes a serviceable hallucinogenic. -KD