Our Man Burnsy’s on the road today, so I’m handling the With Leather Watch This. Who likes shoehorned-in wrestling references? Everybody? THOUGHT SO.

Here’s what’s on TV tonight, highlighted by a “seemed like a great idea when we were making the schedule” showdown between the 3-7 Philadelphia Eagles and the 2-8 Carolina Panthers. Sophomore slumpmaster Cam Newton looks to throw more interceptions than touchdowns against Philadelphia’s Michael Vick, a guy who could seriously benefit from Tim McGraw showing up and duct-taping the football to his hands. It’s going to be GREAT, and the Philly sports fans on your Twitter feed won’t be obnoxious about it AT ALL.

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I hope the fans chanted "NEEP! NEEP! NEEP!" as he descended.

The Brooklyn Nets defeated the Toronto Raptors 107-100 on Saturday night to open the amazing new Barclays Center in style, after the original opener against the New York Knicks was scratched because of Hurricane Sandy. Unfortunately, the attention that should have been focused on Brook “Dwight Who?” Lopez, who led the healthier-than-last-year Nets with 27 points, was directed at the Nets’ new mascot (above) as he made his debut after popping out of a trunk in the back of Maynard’s shop.

But there’s apparently so much more to this new character, known now as the BrooklyKnight, which is so much fun to pronounce as Brookly Knight. The Nets have teamed up with Marvel to give the NBA its first official superhero, which means that the whole LeBron James comic book was indeed just a bad dream.

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Jay-Z owns roughly 1/15th of 1 percent of the Brooklyn Nets, so he’s like the NBA’s equivalent of any of the 632 celebrities that Stephen Ross has sold Miami Dolphins ownership scraps to, but at least he’s thoroughly more relevant than Gloria Estefan. But for those who criticize Mr. Z – who has so many nicknames, yet I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say any of them – for just being there for zip, zazz and zorp, his role is apparently bigger than anyone, short of Deron Williams.

Jay has apparently been given the role of the face of the franchise, Mr. Flash and Flair, and I was under the assumption that was a given all along. But despite his inability to draw LeBron James as a free agent – because that was all his fault, according to the media – Jay brings an important knowledge of culture and, I hate myself for even writing this, swagger that has helped create such incredible buzz around something as simple as the Nets’ new uniforms*.

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The other day, the above image of the Brooklyn Nets dancers, the Brooklynettes, hit the webs and two things occurred to me. First, the Brooklynettes is such an awesome name for their dancers and I will flick a booger at anyone who disagrees. Second, big whoop, we’ve known what their uniforms look like for two months now. But I guess this image showed off a little more of how edgy this squad of shakers and shimmiers will be, presumably as a distraction from Kris Humphries swallowing flies.

Yesterday, though, Amanda Lyn Ferri, one of the only reasons I still check my Tumblr (along with the Animal Blog), posted a picture of what she believes is the Brooklynettes’ inspiration…

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Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

Brooklyn Nets guard Deron Williams is still reveling in the limelight of Team USA’s gold medal run at the 2012 Summer Olympics, as he added his star power to the Barclays Pro-Am golf tournament last week. At some point during his appearance at the golf tournament that bears his new arena’s name, Williams ran into former President and Gold Medal Poonhound Bill Clinton, as Williams Tweeted the above photo on Sunday. Unfortunately, it was not taken at a strip club, which is where I like to think all Clinton pictures should be taken.

For the Pro-Am, Williams was paired with Masters champion Bubba Watson, and it’s worth mentioning that Watson and Rickie Fowler won the 2012 Awesomest Golfers in the World award, as Watson agreed to stay in a house with three U.S. soldiers who had been wounded in combat, and Fowler had Air Force staff sergeant Nick Bradley serve as his caddy. Bradley was injured in an IED attack in Afghanistan four years ago, and doctors told him that he’d never walk again. So it’s pretty awesome that he was out there caddying a full round of golf. Because of that, I wish that it had been Watson or Fowler in the picture with Slick Willy. Or, you know, Nick Bradley.

Alas, it was just Williams. And while I still thought that was pretty cool, I remembered that it’s definitely not the coolest picture that Clinton has ever taken. No, that photo was taken back in May.

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