It’s Katherine Webb’s ass in case you’re confused as to what Ndamukong Suh is watching. Some people might think it’s inappropriate for a man to stare at a girl’s ass like that, but when you’re Ndamukong Suh and you have a history of stomping on guys or kicking them in the balls, I’m cool if you’d rather not hurt people with your inhuman strength.

Sure, AJ McCarron probably doesn’t like Suh or any other gigantic professional athletes staring at his girlfriend, but that’s the chance we take when Brent Musberger turns them into sex symbols with his magical old pervert drool.

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Kevin Hart and a group of celebrities you’ve otherwise barely heard of will hit the court tonight at 7 PM ET on ESPN for the Sprint NBA All-Star Celebrity Game and I can pretty much sum it all up for you like this: everybody’s gonna run around, the former players will make some lay-ups, Kevin Hart will yell jokes, Nick Cannon will roll around in a pile of Mariah Carey’s money, Usain Bolt will run fast but suck at shooting and people will wonder who the hell Ryen Russillo is.

Also, every time someone mentions Sean Elliott, I will think it’s Sam Elliott and then I’ll be bummed that it’s not.

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David Haye is a 32-year old British boxer famous for a number of professional achievements, among them the WBA Heavyweight Championship and a 3rd place finish on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!. Haye is still teasing boxing fans with the possibility of upcoming fights ever since he came out of retirement. The one fight that people apparently want to see is Haye vs. Vitali Klitschko, and Haye says he has been waiting for it ever since he defeated Dereck Chisora.

I hope Vitali Klitschko sticks to his word and he tries to knock me out, because he said he can knock me out. He said fight Dereck Chisora and he fights the winner, and I not only beat Dereck Chisora, I knocked him out in good style. Maybe I knocked him out too good. Maybe if I’d struggled on points I’d have gotten the fight. But the way I dispatched of him, maybe he thinks I’m a little bit too good for him now. (Via Bad Left Hook)

But while these guys figure out if they’re going to fight or not, Haye has a little something else on his mind. Specifically, he is now worried that videos of his ring girl “selection process” are going to surface, as he used to hand pick the females for his fights in order to avoid “mingers” or a “female who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down” according to Urban Dictionary.

Haye recently said that his interview process was simply to make sure that the best-looking girls were chosen, but he wouldn’t reveal any specifics. Fortunately, you can’t hide sh*t on the Internet.

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While the Fighters Only World MMA Awards took place 10 days ago in Las Vegas, the ceremony didn’t actually air until last night on Fox Sports so I didn’t want to play spoiler for anyone who was waiting to watch. And those of us who watched this incredible celebration of the best of the Mixed Martial Arts fighting world in 2012 were hardly shocked by the sport’s biggest names and personalities taking home the top honors.

Perhaps the best news of all was that Tito Ortiz, who is currently trying to help Cris Cyborg lose weight so she can fight Ronda Rousey, was on hand with his best babe, Miley Cyrus Jenna Jameson. The former porn queen had previously been Twitter flirting with Jon Jones and Ortiz confirmed that true love was dead when he Tweeted about being single. But don’t feel bad for Jones, because he was the night’s big (male) winner, as he took home the Charles “Mask” Lewis Fighter of the Year award.

More importantly, though, were the top female winners, as they are two women quite close to our hearts.

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‘The Twelve Days Of Christmas’ is a holiday standard and I’ve always enjoyed it, but TMZ had to go and write all weird about Kate Upton’s boobs, and now that’s all I can think of when they get to the “maids a’milking.” Thanks for trying to ruin Christmas, TMZ.

I had to find new, non-milk-related lyrics to go along with the tune, and lucky for me, a bunch of MMA guys got together to sing about “knees a’flying” and “five guillotines” for Gamma Labs’ ’12 Days Of MMA Christmas.’ It features pretty much everything you’d want in 12 days of MMA Christmas … Chuck Liddell senitively playing piano, Joe Stevenson accompanied by a children’s choir, Urijah Faber kneeing everything in sight. Oh, and the whole thing is kicked off by ring girl extraordinaire Brittney Palmer in some Christmas underpants. You, uh, have probably skipped this entirely.

The video is below. Fun fact: If somebody says “Gamma Labs” more than 10 times, it stops being words. GABBALBLABS UNDER THE TREE!

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Fuel’s Ultimate Answers segment (which I’ll pretend is entirely written and organized by Brittney Palmer) asked a bunch of UFC fighters which superhero they would be. Some of the answers are surprisingly nerdy — Rashad Evans earns endless cool points from me for wanting to be Nightcrawler, and Demetrious Johnson has a pretty solid understanding of how the Green Lantern’s ring works — but some are just straight-up meathead terrible, like Donald Cerrone saying he wants to be “The Invisible Man” (direct quote: “OM BE VISIBLE MAN”).

The funniest offense is from Brodus Clay Tito ORTIZ, who says he wants to be “Beastman” from the X-Men because of his intelligence. As YouTube user Kevin Hall points out, “he’s actually called Beast, so there goes your intelligence.” I like to think that Tito got the name right and instead got the TEAM wrong, and really just wants to be Beastman from ‘He-Man and the Masters of the Universe’. “I wanna be a big orange guy who looks kinda scary, but sucks and never accomplishes anything, and is less effective a henchman than the guy with a robot mouth and a mer-man in a breastplate!” Jenna Jameson could be either of those two.

Oh, and before I forget, f**k BJ Penn for wanting to be Superman because he’s “better than all the other superheroes”. If I get to pick, I’m being Captain Marvel, so I can kick BJ Penn’s ass.

[h/t to Jessica @ Leg Kick TKO]