Sometimes I think back to when I was in college, and how I had to hide my copies of Maxim, FHM and Stuff when they arrived in the mail each month, because otherwise my bros and friends would steal them and I’d never get to read the hilarious jokes, check out the latest witty t-shirts or appreciate the bikini-clad women who had already appeared naked in Playboy but felt like reaching a slightly-less-perverted demographic. Man, those were much simpler times.

Now, I like to think that I’ve evolved a little more and am what my peers at the wine bars refer to as progressive. Those subscriptions to Maxim and FHM have been replaced by a growing collection of books that I often stare at and think, “I really should read one of those”, and the witty t-shirts have been replaced by plain t-shirts.

But it’s still kind of nice to know that even when I think that I’ve matured and have become a reasonable, intelligent adult, that can all be shot to sh*t by one magazine cover featuring Brittney Palmer and Arianny Celeste. You can take the bro out of the college, but never the college out of the bro.

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SWEET CAMO SHORTS, BRO.

The Washington Nationals are amazingly fortunate. The reigning NL East Champions have 20-year old phenom Bryce Harper locked up through 2018 for just (relative) pennies each year, and that allows the team to keep spending like crazy to build a winning team that won’t lose in the first round of the MLB Playoffs. Of course, if all goes to plan and Harper’s career unfolds as most people expect, he’ll eventually command the biggest payday in professional baseball history. Some goofballs even think it could be worth as much as $400 million.

Until then, poor Bryce has to get by on the $1 million-plus that he’s making each season, and sure, he bought himself a big fancy Mercedes with a Nationals logo and trunk full of bats, and sure, he has a big endorsement deal with Under Armour that pays him a ton to lift weights at a rave. But none of that is enough to put food on the table. At least not the unlimited free food that a young millionaire deserves these days.

Thank God Chipotle realized that and gave Harper that card above, which allows him a lifetime of free burritos. So where does that rank on the best moments of Harper’s young career? Amazingly, it’s not even close to No. 1.

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On one hand, I was very surprised to recently learn that my favorite UFC ring girl in the history of the universe, Brittney Palmer, has her own action figure. I was also very surprised to learn that she’s an awesome painter and she sells prints on her website. Then, as I thought about it, I decided that it’s better that I don’t know because I would probably end up blowing all of my money on her art and collectibles, and I’m already two exit ramps from full-on Stalker City as it is, so I should probably chill out.

That said, hello Japan and free fights! Tomorrow night at 9 PM ET on FUEL TV, the pre-fight show begins for UFC on FUEL 8, live from the Saitama Super Arena in Tokyo. Now I’ve never pretended to be some big shot, fancy pants, city slicker UFC super fan type. I’m still growing into this whole MMA game knowledge-wise, but I like to think that I’ve picked up enough wisdom along the way to tell you that for a free fight, this card is outstanding.

But I will let you animals decide for yourself if this event is worth our time tomorrow night with another one of our UFC live discussions that Barack Obama has referred to as “The glue of American society”. Make sure to check out our own Lobster Mobster’s fight primer, and then join us tomorrow night for our special guest, South Dakota State Representative Steve Hickey. Wait, what’s that? Hickey canceled? Damn. Okay, then I’ll let this event’s special ring girl, SuJung Lee take us through the fight card instead.

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At 23-34, the Toronto Raptors aren’t having a great season, by any means, but they’re still only 4.5 games out of the 8th playoff spot in the mostly terrible NBA Eastern Conference. Despite the lingering possibility of playoff hopes, Raptors fans shouldn’t get too excited about basketball in late April, so they should just be happy that Rachel McAdams was on hand to watch the Raptors lose to the 18-37 Washington Wizards last night.

I don’t mean to be a dick to Toronto fans, though, but I think the NBA should imply new rules about the attractiveness of female celebrities at courtside. Like, the Raptors aren’t the worst team in the NBA, but they don’t deserve McAdams. Maybe Avril Lavigne.

Also, Selena Gomez can’t sit courtside for Lakers games until they’re at least in a playoff spot. Until then, the Lakers can only have Amanda Bynes. And Kirstie Alley will sit next to me at Magic games. I think I’m on to something here.

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It has been an incredible year for the Turbo Rocket.

The UFC is taking a huge step forward with tomorrow’s UFC 157 PPV event, as it will obviously mark the first time in the company’s history that women will fight. And not only will they fight, but two women are actually headlining this huge PPV, as first-ever UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey will face Liz Carmouche. Naturally, we’re going to get to how momentous of an occasion this is later today with the primer for our live discussion tomorrow night, so in the meantime we’re going to address our other favorite UFC women – Brittney Palmer and Arianny Celeste.

Palmer, the reigning Ring Girl of the Year, and Celeste, the Ring Girl of the Year every year before Palmer, are launching their own product line, which is what that meet and greet thing is about, and because there is a God, it’s a lingerie line. And because God loves me so much, Palmer and Celeste made a video to promote their new lingerie line, and if you’ll excuse me I’ll be in this bathtub full of ice water for the next week or so.

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It’s Katherine Webb’s ass in case you’re confused as to what Ndamukong Suh is watching. Some people might think it’s inappropriate for a man to stare at a girl’s ass like that, but when you’re Ndamukong Suh and you have a history of stomping on guys or kicking them in the balls, I’m cool if you’d rather not hurt people with your inhuman strength.

Sure, AJ McCarron probably doesn’t like Suh or any other gigantic professional athletes staring at his girlfriend, but that’s the chance we take when Brent Musberger turns them into sex symbols with his magical old pervert drool.

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