If you missed out on this week’s big baseball news, San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Jean Machi farted in the Giants bullpen. This is seriously the only important thing that happened in baseball this week. What are we supposed to write about, Derek Jeter being injured? Alex Rodriguez being cleared to walk on a treadmill?

Actually, that is kinda funny. So hey, while I think of some gay stereotype things to type in capital letters about centaurs, please enjoy today’s edition of The Dugout, which is about Jean Machi’s awful, stank butthole.

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n/t

If you haven’t signed up for this week’s Fantasy Baseball Challenge through FanDuel.com, what are you waiting for? Brian Wilson to write “FanDuel” on his crotch and waggle it at you?

This week we’re only allowing 275 spots, but you’re in luck — you can register up to three times for only two bucks a pop and earn your shot at winning money from a $500 cash pool. That’s $500 for making a figurative wanking motion at a picture of the stupidest person at The ESPYs and spending 5 minutes setting up a baseball team. It’s fun, it’s incredibly easy and you’re guaranteed to at least finish higher than me.

Here’s what we do, if you haven’t played yet:

I can only badger you to sign up and play so many times, and the game starts tonight, Friday the 13th so get in under the wire and win some money! If you win some, send me 20 bucks. I’ve got my eyes on this great knit cap.

Taco Bell has decided to follow up last year’s 2010 MLB postseason Mariano Rivera “closer” spots with San Francisco Giants reliever and self-proclaimed funniest man to ever live Brian Wilson. The results are about what you’d expect. Personal opinion of Wilson’s humor aside, you’d think they’d want someone who was actually in the playoffs for these commercials, wouldn’t you? How awesome would it be for a guy to be all “whew, can’t finish this XXL Chalupa” and Kyle Farnsworth comes running it, knocks it out of his hands and beats the sh*t out of him?

Today’s Dugout features the extended version of the commercial unsuitable for television broadcast because it contains harsh language, incorrect references to classic literature and an ingredient list for what’s actually in an XXL Chalupa. Reader discretion is advised.

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Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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The Arizona Diamondbacks padded their now 7-game lead in the National League West over the weekend by taking 2 of 3 from the defending world champion San Francisco Giants. But all was not gloom and doom for Giants fans on Sunday, as the team hosted Star Wars Day, complete with a Brian Wilson carbonite figurine giveaway. Sadly, they opted to not run with the Pablo Sandoval the Hut action figures.

The game’s umpires were escorted onto the field by storm troopers, while fans pointed and yelled, “Haha, they’re the reason our season has been a huge letdown!” And sure, Arizona is 9-1 over the last 10 with a 3-game winning streak while the Giants sputter, but if all else fails, San Fran can just call up George Lucas and ask him to rewrite the game.

Some of the game’s costume highlights after the jump.

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This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

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