The National Football League season is a war of attrition, and while I’m not exactly sure what “attrition” means, winning in September isn’t necessarily as important as surviving it. Last night, the Chicago Bears did neither, as their prized linebacker and noted dumb-looking white guy Brian Urlacher is out for the season after dislocating his right wrist in the first quarter of last night’s game. Honestly, I know nothing about surgery, but can’t you just tape that thing up and get on with your campaign? Honestly, I’m asking. I really don’t know. But the Bears are losers in that turn of events, and Urlacher, by default, is one really big loser. Add Donovan McNabb to that pile as well, who is day-to-day after fracturing a rib in the Eagles’ win over a woeful Carolina Panthers team. And he wasn’t even the guy that threw four picks. Mmm, ribs.
In the Battle of Quarterbacks I Wanted To See Scorched With Hot Tar, Brady Quinn followed up his not really winning the quarterback competition in Cleveland yesterday with this fumble. I’m holding out hope that attempting to throw the ball, only to have it pop out as one’s arm moves forward, will come to be known as the “Statue of Lenin” play. But I’m not holding my breath on that. Also, speculative fantasy owners recoiled with emotion ranging from shock to indifference when learning that Browns rookie running back James Davis was injured and briefly hospitalized in a car crash on Saturday. Sure, it’s not crashing your motorcycle in a parking lot, but still…Davis had a whopping five carries yesterday. Awesome.
ASYLUM POLL: Who was the biggest choke artist of Week 1?
Also a big loser last weekend, Tila Tequila, whose case against Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will not be pursued by local authorities. She responded by sending images of her “bruises” to TMZ, and I couldn’t be any less impressed with the pics even if the Giants signed them to an extension.
Gossip followers likely remember Sarah Larson as the Las Vegas cocktail waitress-turned-George Clooney arm candy who created a stir when photos like this were found in the Last Night’s Party archives. Last month, Larson was rumored to be floozing around Sundance; now she’s back in Vegas — with Brian Urlacher?
Chicago Bears All-Pro linebacker Brian Urlacher with George Clooney’s ex, Sarah Larson, at The Bank (Bellagio). “They were holding hands, definitely on a Valentine’s Day date,” a spy said. A year ago on Valentine’s Day, Larson and Clooney painted the town red.
This is a big step up for Urlacher — he’s slowly worked his way up from “Paris Hilton” to “stripper/baby mama drama” to “cocktail waitress.” (Up next: an actress who was in a commercial once.) But poor, poor Sarah. There can’t be a lot of attractive options after George Clooney. I mean, besides suicide.
Bears linebacker and noted extramarital poonhound Brian Urlacher, who once allegedly texted baby mam Tyna Robertson with the accusation that she was raising their son as “a little pussy,” is now being accused by Robertson of raising a little pussy.
Robertson, a former stripper who was wooed into a one-night stand after a romantic date at Chili’s, wants to restrict Urlacher’s visits with three-year-old Kennedy because the All-Pro puts the boy in pink Cinderella diapers and paints his toenail blue.
“(Kennedy) pulls down his pants and says, ‘Mommy, look how pretty they are,’” she said of the diapers. Robertson also recalled Kennedy informing her, “Big boys paint their nails,” and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from coming off…
“[Urlacher] says he can do whatever he wants,” Robertson said. “(Urlacher said), ‘It doesn’t make him feminine. It doesn’t make him gay.’”
There are all sorts of jokes to be made here, but keep in mind that this is all coming from a stripper who once tried to accuse Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley of rape. Urlacher may be dumber than a box of shit, but Tyna is 57 different kinds of crazy. Who cares if little Kennedy’s gay or confused about gender? He beat some long odds just to have a functioning frontal lobe.
[KSK]
Pictured above is what’s left of Arizona State’s indoor practice facility after a flash storm with 75-mph winds tore through the Phoenix area last night. By all reports, pieces of the newly opened, $8.4 million bubble dome were thrown across campus.
Russell Schilt, a 22-year-old ASU student, said he walked about the school’s practice facility to see the bubble roof in shreds from the storm. Schilt said he was surprised at the damage the new building took.
“The bubble dome had complete deflated,” he said.
No one was hurt, [AD] Brand said. The 103,500-square-foot facility was just completed this month…. It [was] a bubble of fabric supported by air pressure, the ASU official said.
Man what an asshole storm. Who knew that a desert could have such harsh, unforgiving weather?
Here’s the new Old Spice ad where Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher confronts his nerdy youth. Copyranter has the print ad, and he says:
While I’m neither a fan of Urlacher or the Bears or even NFL football, this (somewhat ironic) anti-weakling message will definitely play well with the mooky tough and faux-tough guys who read ESPN magazine.
Hey, who you calling mooky tough and faux-tough, buster? I’ll kick your little nerd-bloggin’ ass! **cracks knuckles, puts ten-pound weights on bench press**
College football mercifully begins tonight, ending that painful two-week period after the Olympics ended where baseball was the only show in town. And while many of you will be tuned in to regional showdowns like NC State-South Carolina (meh), Wake Forest-Baylor (*makes farting sound*), and Oregon State-Stanford (“Pac-10 football: It’s almost like the SEC, but without all the people caring!”) tonight, I thought I’d take a moment to salute the typically insane fandom we’re going to see for the next three months, before it goes away for a month, then returns for about a week and a half.
Anyway, both of the images you see here come via the must-read Every Day Should Be Saturday, which notes Bo Schembechler’s postmortem endorsements and Bear Bryant’s legacy via gigantic houndstooth fedoras that designate the new stadium concessions stand. Stand by for updates; I’m still waiting to hear back from Notre Dame to see if they liked my mural of Knute Rockne making out with Touchdown Jesus.
