Earlier this year, it was “reported” that Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher had added to his arsenal of terrible girlfriends when he started shacking up with former Playboy Playmate and noted nutjob Jenny McCarthy. And the only other name that I even need to include on that list of girlfriends is Paris Hilton in order to describe how poor this dude’s taste is. If he rebounds with Carmen Electra or Tara Reid, I wouldn’t even blink.

In what matters, Urlacher is still rehabbing his injured knee, and he’s being very optimistic about returning to the field for the Bears’ September 9 matchup with the Indianapolis Colts. But he’s going to have to prepare for a return on his own, because McCarthy has packed up her conspiracy theories and moved on.

Last week the unlucky in love star revealed her relationship with the Chicago Bears linebacker had ended, so she danced away her troubles on Friday night at Mirage’s 1Oak Nightclub.

The 39-year-old is now focusing on her work. She told People.com, “I’m just working a lot. I moved to Chicago and my son is really happy. My next book (Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic) is coming out in October and I’m just getting ready for my TV show.” (Via StarPulse)

I like Urlacher, despite his terrible taste in women, but at the same time we should be using his biggest flaw to our advantage. Screw Ryan Lochte, let’s make Urlacher the next Bachelor. We could just fill a house with skanks and let them murder each other for a chance to get HPV. Now that’s quality TV.

In related news, remember when McCarthy looked like this?

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Despite being in first place in the NFC North with a 4-3 record, things aren’t looking so hot for the Chicago Bears. For starters, quarterback Jay Cutler has come back down to Earth after a hot start – and a concussion – and the team has dropped its last two games to allow the Green Bay Packers to make the division race neck-and-neck again. And because of that, the team can’t even get some respect in its own town. Not even from the former bass player of Fall Out Boy.

A group of at least 25 Bears players hit the town on Monday and after they finished dinner they hit the night club Angels and Kings, which is owned by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. When the group showed up to the door, bouncers told the players that they weren’t welcome. Then one of the bouncers pulled out his laptop and dropped Matt Forte from his fantasy team. That will show those punks.

What do your inside sources tell you, Chicago Sun-Times?

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Recently, some celebrities were named to a list called “The Blackest White Folks We Know,” put together by TheRoot.com. Well, Glenn Beck certainly wouldn’t be Glenn Beck if he didn’t say something about it on his show. After going through the list chalkboard-style, Glenn came across a picture of Paris Hilton lover Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher. Beck, who apparently isn’t a football fan, had some less-than-kind words for the man he failed to recognize.

Theroot.com put together a list called, “The Blackest White Folks We Know.” Among the names that made the list was Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher. So Glen Beck from Fox News was analyzing the list the Root.com came up with in his usual blackboard style..looking at all the pictures commenting.. As he went through pictures of his peers on the list he said.. “There’s Madonna. Bill Clinton, of course I know,” Beck said.And then the dude points at Urlacher, and says, “I think this guy’s a neo-Nazi.” –Terez Owens

That’s a pretty big gaffe from Glenn. He should send a fruit basket and an apology note written in calligraphy over to Brian’s house. Not because I’m angry or offended, but because Urlacher could very easily rip out his throat. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

The National Football League season is a war of attrition, and while I’m not exactly sure what “attrition” means, winning in September isn’t necessarily as important as surviving it. Last night, the Chicago Bears did neither, as their prized linebacker and noted dumb-looking white guy Brian Urlacher is out for the season after dislocating his right wrist in the first quarter of last night’s game. Honestly, I know nothing about surgery, but can’t you just tape that thing up and get on with your campaign? Honestly, I’m asking. I really don’t know. But the Bears are losers in that turn of events, and Urlacher, by default, is one really big loser. Add Donovan McNabb to that pile as well, who is day-to-day after fracturing a rib in the Eagles’ win over a woeful Carolina Panthers team. And he wasn’t even the guy that threw four picks. Mmm, ribs.

In the Battle of Quarterbacks I Wanted To See Scorched With Hot Tar, Brady Quinn followed up his not really winning the quarterback competition in Cleveland yesterday with this fumble. I’m holding out hope that attempting to throw the ball, only to have it pop out as one’s arm moves forward, will come to be known as the “Statue of Lenin” play. But I’m not holding my breath on that. Also, speculative fantasy owners recoiled with emotion ranging from shock to indifference when learning that Browns rookie running back James Davis was injured and briefly hospitalized in a car crash on Saturday. Sure, it’s not crashing your motorcycle in a parking lot, but still…Davis had a whopping five carries yesterday. Awesome.

ASYLUM POLL: Who was the biggest choke artist of Week 1?

Also a big loser last weekend, Tila Tequila, whose case against Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will not be pursued by local authorities. She responded by sending images of her “bruises” to TMZ, and I couldn’t be any less impressed with the pics even if the Giants signed them to an extension.

Gossip followers likely remember Sarah Larson as the Las Vegas cocktail waitress-turned-George Clooney arm candy who created a stir when photos like this were found in the Last Night’s Party archives.  Last month, Larson was rumored to be floozing around Sundance; now she’s back in Vegas — with Brian Urlacher?

Chicago Bears All-Pro linebacker Brian Urlacher with George Clooney’s ex, Sarah Larson, at The Bank (Bellagio). “They were holding hands, definitely on a Valentine’s Day date,” a spy said. A year ago on Valentine’s Day, Larson and Clooney painted the town red.

This is a big step up for Urlacher — he’s slowly worked his way up from “Paris Hilton” to “stripper/baby mama drama” to “cocktail waitress.”  (Up next: an actress who was in a commercial once.)  But poor, poor Sarah.  There can’t be a lot of attractive options after George Clooney.  I mean, besides suicide.

Bears linebacker and noted extramarital poonhound Brian Urlacher, who once allegedly texted baby mam Tyna Robertson with the accusation that she was raising their son as “a little pussy,” is now being accused by Robertson of raising a little pussy.

Robertson, a former stripper who was wooed into a one-night stand after a romantic date at Chili’s, wants to restrict Urlacher’s visits with three-year-old Kennedy because the All-Pro puts the boy in pink Cinderella diapers and paints his toenail blue.

“(Kennedy) pulls down his pants and says, ‘Mommy, look how pretty they are,’” she said of the diapers. Robertson also recalled Kennedy informing her, “Big boys paint their nails,” and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from coming off…

“[Urlacher] says he can do whatever he wants,” Robertson said. “(Urlacher said), ‘It doesn’t make him feminine. It doesn’t make him gay.’”

There are all sorts of jokes to be made here, but keep in mind that this is all coming from a stripper who once tried to accuse Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley of rape.  Urlacher may be dumber than a box of shit, but Tyna is 57 different kinds of crazy.  Who cares if little Kennedy’s gay or confused about gender?  He beat some long odds just to have a functioning frontal lobe.

[KSK]