In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).

Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.

Read the rest of this entry »

Back in July, With Leather created an Internet maelstrom (or “malestrom”) of guys furiously GIFfing and watermarking pictures of Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke. The clip of her infectiously smiling and dancing before owning heat 2 of the Women’s 100 metres hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona went nuclear, we were called perverts by everyone from the UK Daily Mail to Yahoo!, and it ultimately led to Michelle getting offers to pose nude by … basically everybody.

What it never led to was Michelle Jenneke hanging out with us, playing video games with us or sharing pancakes. Or crying at Up. Or any of the things that were special and rightfully ours.

Somehow, theChive had the connections to live our dreams. I guess UPROXX was too busy not fulfilling our dreams and let this one slip through the cracks. Anyway, I am now officially Forever Alone, and you can watch this clip of people I don’t know palling around with a lady I don’t know and ruining my life.

Read the rest of this entry »

I spent my weekend watching Minor League Baseball and attending an independently-promoted women’s professional wrestling tournament, and since those are the two things I love nobody else in the world wants to read about, here are links to other things.

Sports

The Greatest Atrocity in the History of Sport - If you didn’t read Punte’s piece about BMX and Raisin Bran from last week, you’re missing out on one of the best things I’ve seen since I got here. In a perfect world, we’ll be doing stuff like this more often. Support it! [With Leather]

10 Things I Learned From Watching the NBA Draft - And don’t forget Burnsy, who manages to produce something like this every week and blow me out of the water. Also, my review of watching the NBA draft would just be a multi-pager with “uhhhhh” and a picture of David Stern on every page. [With Leather]

Ron Artest = Metta World Peace - It became a tired old Internet thing to mention before it even became news, but in case you need to know what the jokes are about, read the Smoking Section’s take on Ron Artest and his humorous name change. Changing With Leather’s name to “Beta Blog Read”, brb. [Smoking Section]

Everything’s Bigger in Texas - Kissing Suzy Call-ber (© TH of The Wrestling Podcast) is on vacation, so listen to the House of Punte podcast in five minute intervals for the remainder of the week. [KSK]

Not Sports

Bieber’s Kelly Kapowski Shirt: The Domino Effect - I feel pretty sad to live in a world where a Canadian teenager can wear a shirt and change it, but I’m happy to live in a world where people wear Kelly Kapowski t-shirts. Technically shouldn’t a “Kelly Kapowski t-shirt” be a bra with a floral print? [Uproxx]

Every Opening Quote from ‘The Wire’ in Under 3 Minutes - Create your own The Wire opening quote! Here are a few examples: “Things we do? We just do ‘em.” – Bird. “How’m I spose’d t’open this can without a can opener?” – Lester. “Go Fish a game of chance, yo.” – Omar. [Warming Glow]

Battle of the Kirks - William Shatner was too awesome and handsome to’ve devolved into the wierd Center of Attention Shrek he’s become. However, I will support any television show that gets Avery Brooks TV time. [Gamma Squad]

Twilight Are Book Now? - It’s hard to believe people like this exist, and also extremely easy. Create your own Twilight quote! “I die in the light… but without you, I never would have found the darkness.” Ha, somewhere that hoggish British lady is bursting into tears. [Film Drunk]

I’ve been silent on this issue for entirely too long. For the better part of 20 years, I’ve waited patiently, building a case against the man who would turn the sports world on its ear with his own shameful act of greed. And now, in the midst of an NFL lockout and a pro basketball apocalypse, I feel that I’m finally ready to step forward and expose the biggest fraud that athletic competition has ever seen.

The identity of this villain might surprise you. It might even shock you. I might fill you with spastic bouts of ennui, but don’t let any of that stop you from hearing THE TRUTH. It might be too late to bring this slimeball, this wretched bastard to justice, but it’s not too late to warn anyone else that might stand in his narcissist, egotistical path. No, I’m not talking about Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, or FIFA president Sepp Blatter, or even former Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose. Or even Tom Sizemore, whose portrayal of Rose in that ESPN movie was balls-awful. No, I’m talking about someone much more dangerous, odious, and crass. Someone who almost got away with his deviant ways. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to imaginative folks at Pangea food, you need no longer while away your mornings glumly looking at your breakfast toast, wistfully waiting for the logo of your favorite sports team to materialize before you jam the burnt bread into your fat face. Unless you’ve been already been slapping logo stickers on your toast, in which case I think you’ve already solved that problem, though I’d advise seeing a doctor anyway.

That’s right, starting next month, Pangea will introduce ProToast, a toaster designed to burn the logo of sports teams from four professional leagues into your toast. Also in the works is a panini press and a waffle maker. It will retail for the low, low price of $34.99, making it a relatively inexpensive alternative for rednecks hoping to mark their friend’s ass with a cattle brand. But is it a minor betrayal to eat an object that is now bearing the logo of your team of choice. Great, now you’ll never be able to eat your buddy’s ass.

11-year-old Alabama native Jamison Stone killed a really big boar:

Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone and two guides in east Alabama on May 3 when he bagged Monster Pig. He said he shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.

Did I mention that this hog was 9'4" and weighed 1,051 lbs.?  That's a pretty big piece of meat to hunt with a revolver.  There was a worry that the gigantic boar would wheel on his pursuers and charge with 5-inch tusks as wild hogs are apt to do.  Be assured that Jamison's dad and the guides were toting high-powered rifles, presumably to put Jamison down clean before he was gored.  

"It feels really good," Jamison said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

Whoa, not so fast kid, you haven't even been married yet.  I heard they grow their brides big in the backwoods of Alabama.  This great beast met his end on May 3rd, and it's surmised that the hams will be as big as car tires and the meat will produce over seven hundred pounds of sausage.  In Chicago, we call that breakfast. -KD