If two Canadian Intermediate A lacrosse teams get into a bench-clearing brawl and nobody’s there to see it, did it really happen?

Yes. Yes it did.

Several players started fighting after Coquitlam scored to take a 15-4 lead. As the officials tried to settle everyone down, more players got involved and both benches eventually cleared.

The game was called with 47 seconds left in the period.

Josh Aldrich of the Nanaimo Daily News reported that B.C. Intermediate A Lacrosse League commissioner Gene Regier handed down 15 suspensions, but he did not reveal who or how long the suspensions were. (via Content Farm)

“…because he’d never heard of anyone on either team.”

The best way to watch this clip is to pretend the only five people in the crowd are the cast of ‘Bob’s Burgers’. That “oh my goaddd” at the 0:54 mark is absolutely Linda Belcher, and the loud “ENOUGH, GUYS” at 1:11 is a pretty convincing H. Jon Benjamin. Random screeching female throughout is just Louise, egging them on. Suddenly this is the best (and most underrated) lacrosse fight video ever.

[h/t to Fark]

I was called a sucky pussy yesterday for believing that hockey fights are only a part of the game when hockey has actually been played, so I wanted to share footage of a completely justified bloody brawl. During the second period of Tuesday night’s game between the Dallas Stars and Phoenix Coyotes, Coyotes captain Shane Doan gave Stars forward Jamie Benn a suckerpunch elbow to the jaw. As the adorably commentary noted, it was “right on the button” and “all heck” proceeded to break loose.

A rundown of penalties, courtesy of Puck Daddy:

Doan was given a fighting major for his bout with Brenden Morrow (who also received five minutes), as well as a two-minute elbowing minor for the hit on Benn.

The other penalties for the Coyotes: Raffi Torres with roughing and charging minors and a 10-minute misconduct; and Rusty Klesla with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.

The other penalties for the Stars: Steve Ott with roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct minors, and a 10-minute misconduct; and Trevor Daley with a roughing minor and a 10-minute misconduct.

As for Doan, he’s in trouble when the NHL gets a gander at this thing.

I’m starting to learn that almost anything you can get in trouble for in the NHL is somebody’s idea of how the game should be played. I guess that works for every sport. Personally I’d take off my skate and try to stab a guy if he nonchalantly skated by and blatantly tried to injure me with an elbow to the face, and I wouldn’t be upset if my team joined in.

A brief place-setting and match listing from Travis Hughes at SBN:

Rangers coach John Tortorella and Devils coach Peter DeBoer were jawing at one another before the game, perhaps as a result of the lineup card handed in by New Jersey. Nevertheless, when the lineups came out for each team, New York had an equal amount of firepower ready:

Devils: Eric Boulton, Cam Janssen, Ryan Carter, Marek Zidlicky, Bryce Salvador
Rangers: Brandon Prust, Brandon Dubinsky, Stu Bickel, Mike Rupp, Marc Staal

That’s a good way to assure some bloodshed. The players all knew what they were out there to do, the fans knew it was coming, and everybody watching at home knew what was coming. Then, it happened.

I guess I’ve got the wrong perspective on professional sports, but what’s so bad about the New Orleans Saints setting up bounties to injure opposing players when hockey is premeditating gang fights? Hockey fights are cool and all, derp derp, but when they happen with entire teams before hockey has been played, that’s not cool, that’s unprofessional, childish, stupid, any number of negative adjectives you wanna throw at it. You’re orchestrating a situation that causes me to watch a dude’s blood splatter, and poor Sidney Crosby is standing there a few teams over with a head that barely works. None of this seems productive.

Well, maybe it could be productive. Is five-on-five MMA a thing yet?

I didn’t make the video of this bench-clearing brawl between the Class A Spokane Indians and Vancouver Canadians the header because I need to warn you — it not only contains violence and strong language, but a group of people yelling WAHHHHHHHHHHHH at the top of their lungs because that or chanting “fight” are how people deal with sudden fighting. I recommend turning your volume down, possibly all the way, then enjoying a couple of minutes of minor leaguers throwing hands. Man, people in Vancouver sure to have a lot of pent up aggression, don’t they? At least the players didn’t start smashing storefronts and setting people on fire.

Anyway,

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FOCKEM UP

Apologies are already being issued, including one from the Texas Rangers, the Major League affiliate of Spokane. The Canadians will start apologizing in a few weeks when people on Facebook start ratting them out.

All it needed was “Down With the Sickness” or some rap hype song like that steel cage lacrosse brawl to make it truly and acceptably viral. And maybe some lens flares. Lens flares make everything look cooler.

[video courtesy of Deadspin]

I’m starting to think these lacrosse fights are worked.

What you’re witnessing (if you clicked that link, and are reading this while it’s happening) is a life-clearing brawl between the Allegany Arrows and Tonawanda Braves of the North American Minor Lacrosse Association, a league which hosts youth outdoor lacrosse games with box lacrosse rules. Everything starts off normally, with a bad call (I guess) from the ref, and lots of “c’mawn ref!” and “watch yer language” shouts from the (I’m guessing) parents in the crowd. The video doesn’t provide a lot of context for what happens next, but a ROXETTE RAP SONG kicks in and these guys just start going at it hockey style, goalie versus goalie and everything. I love that somebody went home and edited in a track by “Loaded Weapons” to hype a youth rumble. Who does that? And more importantly, who samples Roxette? Did you already use all the beats on Richard Marx “Repeat Offender”?

After everyone’s gotten in a shot or eight, the fight stops and everybody starts high-fiving. It was either that, or somebody getting tossed into the cage wall. The next time you hear someone say “outdoor box lacrosse,” assume they’re breaking the first and second rules of Fight Club.

[via Prep Rally]

Joe Sports Fan turned up this charming little soccer brawl video, in which a fan on the field is taken down by security guards, who add a couple “how ya doin’?” thrusts from their night sticks. And that’s when the fans collectively say, “No, we don’t think that’s appropriate.”

I’ve got nothing against cops or other such authority figures. In fact, I want my assisted suicide to be accompanied by the Glenn Miller Band and images of cops beating hippies. But to see a sports crowd rising up against these four security guards is… just… awesome. What beautiful anarchy. You just don’t see this kind of thing in America. Well, unless Detroit wins a championship.