"Dude, you've gotta stop going to night clubs, k bro?"

When Fox Sports reporter and Bond villain Jay Glazer broke the news yesterday afternoon that the Miami Dolphins had traded receiver Brandon Marshall to the Chicago Bears for two third round draft picks, a few theories hit the Twitters:

1) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.
2) The Dolphins were freeing up as much money as they could to sign Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne.
3) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.

After all, how could they send away their best offensive weapon for less than what they traded for him just two seasons ago unless they had one hell of a plan? Well, Wayne signed a new 3-year deal with the Indianapolis Colts last night, Vincent Jackson signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for $11 million a year, Pierre Garcon is a Washington Redskin and Robert Meachem is as good as a Buffalo Bill signed with the San Diego Chargers. So why the hell did the Dolphins trade Marshall?

Cops are investigating whether a star NFL wide receiver with a rough-and-tumble reputation punched a woman in the face at a Chelsea nightclub, sources said Wednesday.

The young woman filed a police report against Brandon Marshall, saying the 6-foot-4, 230-pound wideout smacked her in the eye outside the Marquee nightclub about 4 a.m. Sunday, sources said. (Via the New York Daily News)

That makes a lot more sense. Guilty or not, Marshall is possibly in for a punishment from the league, seeing as he doesn’t exactly have the best history with night clubs. I’m guessing that he’ll be slapped with a suspension just for showing up in the news again, because, fair or not, Roger Goodell can do whatever he damn well pleases.

As for the Bears, they say they were aware of the incident before trading for Marshall, but I have to believe that Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland was prepared to use his “No Take Backs” clause if necessary.

And we’re off. Well, we’ve actually already been off, because teams have been re-signing their free agents for most of the day, but now we’re finally going to get down to business and watch our favorite NFL teams jump all over the cream of this offseason’s free agent crop, and everything begins with the quarterback questions. First up is Peyton Manning, obviously, because if I squint really hard I can make my Twitter feed look like Manning and Dwight Howard had a threeway with Fab Melo today.

The favorites would appear to be the Arizona Cardinals and the Denver Broncos, because we’ve been led to believe that those are the only teams that Manning has met with. But apparently that’s not true, according to a blog on the Palm Beach Post’s website today.

Word broke late Monday night that the Dolphins did, in fact, meet with Manning for about six hours on Monday, just like he met with the Broncos and Cardinals for six hours each over the weekend. But in an interesting twist, Manning didn’t visit with the Dolphins in South Florida, even though he has a home here. Instead, Manning secretly met with the Dolphins in Indianapolis, likely to avoid the intense media crush that is trying to follow Manning’s every move.

That’s not too surprising, as Manning said that he would speak with Dolphins officials after he said he didn’t need to, and he also agreed to meet with Tennessee Titans officials after it was reported that he wasn’t going to meet with any other teams. After all of this is over, I’m going to need a nice, long nap.

Read the rest of this entry »

Just like the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Pro Bowl had to tarp sections to avoid a blackout.

The 2012 Pro Bowl took place yesterday, in case you were glued to TNT’s broadcast of the Celebrity Drinking Contest annual SAG Awards, and it was basically everything you would expect, as the AFC defeated the NFC 59-41. The defenses played down, allowing the offensive players to do their things, and that’s why Philip Rivers only had one interception, instead of the standard 7. But I also commend rookie Can Newton for selflessly getting the defense involved by throwing 3 picks as well.

The star of the game, though, was Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who had 6 receptions for 176 yards and a Pro Bowl record 4 touchdowns, as he scored once in each quarter. Of course, the controversial wide receiver’s moment in the figurative sun didn’t last long as he eventually opened his mouth.

“Since Jay Cutler I’ve had a few different quarterbacks and being in the Pro Bowl you have these elite quarterbacks and it’s all them,” he said. “They put [the ball] in the right spots and make it easy for me to make the catch. It’s all the quarterbacks.” (Via the Miami Herald)

While he’s right – in the last two seasons, he’s had four QBs in Matt Moore, Chad Henne, Chad Pennington and Tyler Thigpen – some have misconstrued Marshall’s words as an attack on Moore. That would be true if the Dolphins hadn’t already made it clear that they’re looking to upgrade at QB. But I digress. At least the Pro Bowl gave us something to talk about.

In the meantime, people will continue to question the need for the Pro Bowl, and those people need to shush. The Pro Bowl is great for what it is – a chance for guys who get their asses kicked for 18 weeks to f*ck around and have some fun. The NFL just needs to move it back to after the Super Bowl so the players from the eventual championship team can attend and remind all of the other players how much worse they are. That’s the true NFL spirit.

Now enjoy some of the game’s best moments before everyone goes back to airing David Tyree’s catch over and over for the next 6 days.

Read the rest of this entry »

Even as the Miami Dolphins are 0-4 and most fans – this handsome blogger included – are leaning toward the “Suck for Luck” campaign, there are two immediate roadblocks to a 0-16 season. First, most professional athletes are too proud to purposely play for a winless season. Just ask Dwight Freeney, who recently proclaimed that the Colts won’t suck for anyone. Second, no matter how bad they are, the Dolphins always play to win against the New York Jets. Just ask Brandon Marshall, who vows to play like a monster when the two teams meet on Monday Night Football.

“I think the past four games have been tough for me, trying to control some things, and, hey man, I’m just going to let it out,” Marshall said of his emotions.

“I don’t care if I have two, three cameras on me. I don’t care if I have penalties. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to let it all out. I don’t care what you guys write or what the commentators say. I’m just going to play football. That’s what I’m best at. I’m best when I play emotional. I’m best when I play with passion. You guys are going to see that on Monday Night Football. I don’t know if it’s throwing a football 15 yards in the bleachers, or getting a 15-yarder [penalty], or punting the ball and getting thrown out of the game. But something is going to happen. I’ll probably get kicked out after the second quarter.”

(Via the Miami Herald)

Memo to B-Marsh from fantasy football enthusiasts: Please don’t.

So is the oft-angry underachiever serious? You bet your scarred stomach he is.

Read the rest of this entry »

One of my favorite things in sports is when athletes make jokes in their postgame or practice press conferences and reporters either don’t get them or they do get them but still turn them into mini controversies for the sake of slow news days. Case in point – when asked about Chad Henne’s 59 rushing yards against the New England Patriots on Monday Night Football, Brandon Marshall laughed and called him the “White Michael Vick.”

SOUND THE RACISM ALARMS! LET LOOSE THE HOUNDS OF DOUBLE STANDARDS!

Or don’t. Because this is completely stupid. Here’s what Marshall said:

Reporter: “What do you think of scrambling Chad, Brandon?” (laughs)

Brandon: (laughing) “I like it as long as he don’t get hit.”

Other Reporter: “You called him Michael Vick.”

Brandon: (smiling) “Yeah, the White Vick.”

(Everyone laughs)

And that’s the end of the story. At least it should be. Instead, it’s being reported as if Marshall honestly believes that Henne’s panic scrambles for his career-high rushing yardage really equates to Vick’s talent. Hell, Henne had 52 rushing yards all of last season, so it should be clear as day that Marshall was simply making a joke. But hey, that’s the joy of reporting without context. Let’s fire up the masses and stir up controversy around the guy with the mental problems.

That is, until Tim Tebow circumcises another child and we can run a story about how he diddles kids. Respect the power of the sports media.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sports

NBC Buys 80′s Wrestling Drama from The Rock - Matt Ufford gave me a shout-out in this, and he’s right; my personal career goal is to have the people in charge of this show find my Best and Worst reports, realize I’m the man for the job, put me in charge and let me turn it into an actual NWA 80s wrestling show without any confrontational family moments or walking conversations. [Warming Glow]

Kevin Durant’s Summer Blossom Has Hip Hop Roots - By the time the NBA comes back, Kevin Durant will have like six championship rings. I don’t know how it’s gonna work, but it’s gonna happen. [Smoking Section]

Henry Winkler F’n Loves Fly Fishing - And he’s very good. [Adult Swim]

Brandon Marshall Has All The Crazy - Worth reading if only for those pictures of Marshall making that face. That’s the face I make when I’m trying to concentrate and not die in video games. Maybe he got stabbed in the mouth. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

With Leather

Female Reporter Wants Her Butt Signed - ESPN is like five years away from doing this. Rachel Nichols is just gonna whip out her junk one day to hoots and it will have happened so gradually we won’t notice. [With Leather]

Athletes Take to Twitter for the Great East Coast Earthquake of 2011 - Read this, then go back and click the Buzzfeed link in the intro where everybody blames the earthquakes on gay marriage. I didn’t know getting gay married turned you into one of the Teen Titans. [With Leather]

LeBron James Is Like A Dead Kid From A Movie I Once Saw - The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter isn’t a great movie, but if you don’t give this post a bunch of hits I’m comparing Andy Dalton to Return To Oz, and I promise you it’s not nearly as solid a connection. [With Leather]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22 - Update: I won’t be doing Best and Worst of Smackdown this week, as I’ll be on a plane to Virginia while it’s on. I will, however, do a Best and Worst of Super Duper Live Smackdown next Tuesday, even though that’s when I’m on the plane back. [With Leather]

Not Sports

16 Rejected Titles for Toy Story - The person who suggested “Rex’s First Movie” should’ve been fired on the spot. I bet it would’ve had “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind in the trailer. I hope John Lassater’s response was “we aren’t making the f**king Rugrats” and a slap across the face. [Film Drunk]

7 Famous Album Covers Featuring People Who Didn’t Want to Be There - Who sues Dido, honestly? She’s been through enough. One time her boyfriend stuffed her in the trunk and drove her off a bridge. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 11 Worst Songs to Have Sex To - This is pretty funny, but my biggest pet peeve ever: people who identify a song by saying an entire line. The song isn’t called “in the arms of an angel”, it’s called “Angel”. Even worse is calling it “that in the arms of an angel song”. Consider your ass McLachlan’d. [Buzzfeed]

Classic Video Games As Stage Plays - I’m almost too old to think this is funny, but I’m not there yet. The Duck Hunt clip isn’t great (other than the pre-existing Duck Hunt sound effects), but I’m gonna say that Donkey Kong play is probably hilarious. [Gamma Squad]