Near the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas, Charlie Brown gets depressed and starts screaming about how there’s nobody left who knows what Christmas is all about, then gets abruptly shocked to silence when Linus walks to center-stage, asks for lights and delivers an impassioned reading of Luke 2:8. It cuts through the bullshit, and gets to the heart of the matter. It’s even more poignant coming from Linus, a kid who just wants to hold his blanket and suck his thumb and watch everybody believe in stuff and get along.

A comedy sports blog is the last place you need to read about Jovan Belcher. It’s a terrible, inexcusable situation made progressively worse by the awful condemnation/hero worship stuff that has to come after it. I could make jokes about it, I guess, or tell you about how pro wrestling fans know how you feel (because we went through this with one of our best back in 2007, and it has yet to get even 1% better), but that’s not going to help. Nothing helps, because what happened was the meanest, least reasonable side of human nature. It’s f**king terrible, and it doesn’t make any sense.

What I will do is share this quote from (of all people) Brady Quinn from the presser after the Chiefs’ 27-21 victory over Carolina on Sunday. It’s a Linus moment. Quinn cuts through the bullshit and says what needs to be said — that the situation is sad, and we should try harder to pay attention to each other and really give a crap, because that would be really important. No glorification, no condemnation, no making it about him. Just the truth.

He should’ve asked for lights.

[h/t to Yardbarker]

"So, uh, you wanna, like, grab a brew and then make out?"

Yesterday, my best friend and bass player in my Nelson cover band, Danger Guerrero, brought us the terrific story of the bet between Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and the classic 90s R&B group Boyz II Men. How DG didn’t ask me to photoshop Rodgers photobombing a Boyz II Men album cover, I’ll never know, but it was an exciting story nonetheless, as Rodgers and the Packers lost to the San Francisco 49ers and Mr. Discount Double Check now has to wear an Alex Smith 49ers jersey this week.

The reason I recapped yesterday’s news is because there are good, fun and playful bets, and we like those because they don’t require me to read man-on-man erotic fan fiction. Instead, I had to do that because a Reddit user and presumed Gaslight fan named “americanslang59” also lost a bet, and the result was indeed erotic fan fiction that involves Rodgers and Smith. I didn’t think it was possible but the Internet became a much stranger place yesterday.

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A few months back, I scoured the depths of Deviant Art and a few other sites to dig up some of the most beautiful athlete fan art that we’ve ever seen, but a few days ago I realized that I left out another great resource – Etsy. An online marketplace for independent artists, jewelers, and general retailers, Etsy is apparently also a haven for people who love to make unique sports merchandise and memorabilia. Some friends and I have a little game we like to play, as we try to find more obscure and interesting (read: borderline absurd) items to send each other as birthday gifts. After all, why celebrate your friend’s team for him when you can induce shame just as easily?

Etsy turned out to be a treasure trove of paintings, knick knacks and clothing, so I did my best to limit the catalog today. But I’m pretty sure with this little collection, including that fantastic painting above, you’ll get the general idea of what you’ll find if you ever pull on your cyber galoshes and wade through the Etsy waters.

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It can’t be fun to be named Kyle Orton or Brady Quinn these days, as the city of Denver has already embraced rookie quarterback Tim Tebow as their Chosen One before he’s even taken a snap with the team’s veteran players. The Florida Gator legend will get to run plays with the entire Denver roster this week after previously only participating in rookie minicamp. Josh McDaniels’ Draft Day crush says he’s excited about his first practice, and he really hopes the team loves the macaroons his mommy baked for them.

Tebow will, of course, be competing with Orton as the incumbent QB, while Cleveland Browns castoff and male crotch enthusiast Brady Quinn will also look to start anew in Denver. But the pressure’s on the latter two, seeing as Broncos fans voted for Tebow’s nickname to be The Mile-High Messiah and made his No. 15 jersey the highest selling NFL gear last month.

Preach to the congregation, SI.com:

That’s the Tebow phenomenon — the wholesome, religious, squeaky-clean package. It’s why companies are attracted to him, why people want his jersey. Who wants to walk around in a Ben Roethlisberger or a Michael Vick jersey these days? Even Tiger Woods isn’t a safe endorsement.

But Tebow?

“It’s very humbling that people want to wear my jersey,” Tebow said. “It’s a blessing that people want to support me.”

Yes, it’s a real blessing that Broncos fans are picking Tebow’s jersey over the alternatives. Poor Matt Prater. When will Denver finally show him the love he deserves? The jersey sales and admittedly sweet nickname are only the tip of Tebow’s iceberg, though. According to his dad agent, Tebow has been offered and turned down several product endorsements offering seven figure paychecks. And if you’re to believe Percy Harvin’s comments earlier this year, Tim also turned down advances from Erin Andrews.

The Broncos remain confident that their eyebrow-raising first round pick will be a success not only as a role model for the team and the community, but also as the franchise QB of the future. How could he not, throwing to an elite receiver like Brandon Marshall Eddie Royal and a rising star tight end like Tony Scheffler Daniel Graham? John Elway even sent Tim a text message wishing him good luck as a Bronco, which is significantly better than the box of dead kittens he once sent Jay Cutler.

Mike Tirico said that he didn’t like the Thursday Night Football on NFL Network because he didn’t like the matchups. Well now that little bastard can eat crow because tonight’s Monday night matchup could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. I remember earlier in the fall when ESPN was airing high school football from Cincinnati, and it’s hard to see how any such matchup could be worse than the possibly-finally-over-the-hill Baltimore Ravens and the I’ve fallen and I can’t get up Cleveland Browns.

By now, everyone has figured out that Brady Quinn will be starting under center for the Browns. Whatever, dude. The stupid cat-and-mouse games that Eric Mangini plays with his quarterbacks are symbolic of his inept meddling, and the team’s total absence of direction. It’s fun to say that these Browns are a worse team than the ’99 squad that resurrected the franchise, but it’s also a fact, and at some point they’ll have to blow up what they have and start over again. And that might be the only thing that cleans out all of that staph out there.

Baltimore? They’re old, man. They can still bring it–Cincinnati only beat them by ramming Cedric Benson into the line, and he done broke, yo–but you wonder if they might be in the same spot as Cleveland in terms of what they’re putting out on the field. The difference is that the Ravens have the front office and the younger personnel to weather what might be a 9-7 year. That’s a wild card berth in the NFC; but in the AFC North this year, 9-7 could mean watching the playoffs at home. At least they won’t have to watch this game.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn has put his Cleveland-area home on the market, according to an “industry source” reported by ESPN. Quinn started the first three games of 2009 before being benched by Browns coach Eric Mangini in favor of Derek Anderson, he of the Pro Bowl season two years ago, and not much since. was benched in favor of Derek Anderson, whose 2-for-17 performance last Sunday against Buffalo did nothing to change his coach’s mind. Now Quinn wants out.

According to the industry source, with the struggling economy it could take up to six months or a year to sell upper-end homes in the Cleveland area. The asking price is $775,000 for the five-bedroom, five-bathroom house, which is 4,561 square feet.

Quinn bought the Avon Lake property in June of 2007, just two months after he was drafted in the first round by Cleveland, the source confirmed. via.

Between watching former teammate Braylon Edwards thrive in greener pastures on national television earlier this week and realizing that he can’t hit the escalator clauses in his contract from the bench, Quinn is ready to get out of Ohio. But who would take him, considering that we’re now a month into the season? I understand there’s plenty of brown-eye happening in San Francisco. That really sounds more like Brady’s scene. also. also.