LA Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny attended a benefit for the Nicole Brown Foundation with his girlfriend Eliza Dushku, and for some unexplained reason he wore a plaid hat that matched her dress.  For another unexplained reason she appeared to be enjoying herself when these photos were taken.  Probably because Penny actually showered for once.

I guess this post is kinda the equivalent of all those posts that make women feel self-conscious about not being as skinny or beautiful as Hollywood starlets and models.  Because there sure as hell isn't any point in me being this good-looking and well-dressed if super-hot chicks are gonna date sweaty undergroomed bipeds who may or may not be part bear just because the missing link makes a shitload of money playing a professional sport.

(Thanks a LOT, Kristine) 

Last night was a marquee evening for some of baseball's best starting pitchers.  Leading the pack was Johan Santana, whose 4-hit shutout shouldn't be discounted just because it came against the struggling Mets.  Santana needed only 92 pitches to dispatch the Mets, who contributed to the cause by committing four errors in the 9-0 loss.  Santana dropped his ERA to 2.91 and is now 7-6.

Not to be outdone, Josh Beckett bounced back from his first loss of the season to improve to 10-1 as the Red Sox beat the Braves 4-0.  Beckett added an RBI double to go with his six scoreless innings, leaving only after a prolonged rain delay.

In other ace news, sweaty goliath Brad Penny and Jake Peavy both improved to 9-1 with wins over AL teams. Penny gave up one run in seven innings as the Dodgers cruised to a 10-1 victory over the Blue Jays, while Peavy's Padres beat down the Orioles 12-6.  Peavy kept the O's scoreless over five, but gave up three runs in his sixth and final inning as his ERA ballooned to 1.98.  He sucks.  But at least he's more palatable than Penny.  I don't care if he's dating Eliza Dushku; I'm 99% positive he smells like a boathouse at low tide.

I don't know how new this information is, but apprently Eliza Dushku is dating the Dodgers' Brad Penny (third item).

I have to say, I'm a little perplexed. I don't know how familiar you are with above-average National League starting pitchers, but Brad Penny is a disgusting fatass slob. He looks like the love child of Large Marge and an inordinately sweaty bouncer. Seriously, check out the photo gallery at his Dodgers page. That's a man who identifies with Geico ads.

I'm not quite sure why Eliza is dating some millionaire athlete when she could be dating someone sexy like me, or me, or someone similar to me, but I try not to dwell on these things. Because otherwise I'd get hung up thinking about her delightful take on hair removal, then I'd try to see if Tru Calling: Season One has been released on DVD yet, then I'd settle for masturbating to Bring It On, and I already did that the last four nights.

And I'd really prefer to mix it up a little bit.

(p.s. Note the Roto Rooter truck in the background. No, it doesn't give me any dirty thoughts. I'm just practicing for those memory-IQ tests is all. I swear. No, you're immature!)