When I was in high school, I tried to saw a surfboard in half and turn the pieces into bookshelves to impress a girl. What I didn’t know was that A) sawing a surfboard in half is freaking ridiculously hard without the right saw and 2) I was a moron and girls hated me. So I was left with two worthless, jagged halves of a surfboard and a newfound burden of poor taste for kitschy decorating that has stuck with me today. What’s that? Hell yeah that original Peaches Records crate would look awesome in my living room!

The other day I was doing my random web surfery when I came across a post on Environmental Graffiti that brought me back to that awkward day in my garage with that rusty saw blade and 47% chance of ripping my ring finger to pieces. It seems there are actually other people out there who know what they’re doing when it comes to salvaging surfboards, skis, snowboards, bikes and even bowling balls and making something useful and creative out of them.

God help me if these images of genuine creativity reignite my desire to turn crap into treasure, resulting in a trip to the emergency room. After all, a man can’t write d*ck jokes with 9 fingers.

(Image via Flickr/Dave Williams)

(Image via Flickr/Sandy Su)

(Image via Kelly Ludwig)

(Image via Flickr/Jan Meng)

(Image via Rebecca Palumbo)

(Image via Flickr/AMPion Photography)

(Image via Flickr/Todd Lappin)

(Image via Flickr/Lena Vilseskogen)

(Image via Flickr/Jane Wagner)

(Image via Flickr/Chris Symonds)

(Image via Flickr/Matt Murphy)

(Image via Flickr/BnG Photos)

Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a sh*t about the rules? Mark it zero!

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Links

The 10 Things We Learned From The 2012 NBA All-Star Game - 1 Thing We Learned From The Slam Dunk Contest: the only dunk that exists is “jumping over things”. [Smoking Section]

Liverpool Fan Pokes Himself In The Eye, Continues Cheering - Been there, done that. I’ve also cheered through accidentally getting punched in the balls, but that might just’ve been Cleveland. [High Definite]

Vick Ballard Runs, He Slides … - Now we need footage of Andrew Luck playing ‘Rattle Me Bones’. Alternate joke: RG3 is great at ‘Shark Attack’. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

20 Hilarious/Useful “Walking Dead” GIFs - I was hoping this’d be nothing but gifs of people talking. pGamma Squad]

The Best Of Danny DeVito’s #Frank Reynolds - I’ll never say “trash” the same way again. [UPROXX]

Photos from the ‘The Adventures of Pete and Pete’ Reunion - Toby Huss is one of the 10 people in the world I’d most like to meet. Also, holy sh*t this is basically the greatest thing. [Warming Glow]

Must Watch: Jean Dujardin’s French surfer rap - Forget Jean Dujardin, let’s find video of everything Bérénice Bejo has ever done. And Uggie, minus all the Frasier. [Film Drunk]

So This Happened: Bryan Cranston Wore Breaking Bad Chuck Taylors To An Awards Show - Stay off of my turf in those shoes.. [UPROXX]

With any luck, Jim Rash’s Oscar win will be great news for Community - And with any luck, Alison Brie will take over for Amanda Seyfried and win an Oscar for being constantly nude as Linda Lovelace. Perfect world, blah blah. [FARK]

10 Awesome Animals Walking On Two Legs - So what? I walk on two legs all the time. [The FW]

The Best Interview About a Sex Shop Fire You’ll Ever See - I just picture Pee-wee Herman running out of the store with a bunch of dildos in his hands and collapsing. [Brobible]

Eight Disturbing Music Videos You May Have Missed - I’m pretty unhappy to live in a world where people haven’t seen Aphex Twin videos. That’s sorta my WHATTA YA MEAN YA NEVER HEARD’A MAYPO moment. [Unreality]

Chris Paul has missed the last three games with a strained left hamstring, but it’s done little to stop the 8-4 Los Angeles Clippers from at least pacing the first place Los Angeles Lakers (10-5) in the Western Conference Pacific Division. While Paul is listed as day-to-day for his on-court activities, the injury luckily didn’t interfere with one of his favorite off-court events – the Chris Paul PBA Celebrity Invitational.

Each year, Paul teams up with the Professional Bowling Association’s biggest names, as well as some of his fellow athletes and a few celebrities, to raise money for the CP3 Foundation. This year’s tournament took place last week and ESPN was on hand to record it, as it will air on Super Bowl Sunday. I’d warn you about spoiler alerts, but you were probably never going to watch it anyway.

Contributing to the cause this year were Michael Strahan, Reggie Bush, Ciara, the guy who played Turtle on “Entourage”, Blake Griffin, a guy from “Grey’s Anatomy”, comedian Kevin Hart, Drew Carey, and pro bowling’s bad boy, Pete Weber, Jr. There were some other people at the event and you can see them after the jump as I try to Google them and figure out who the hell they are.

(Images via Getty.)

Or as we like to call him: “Obligated By Pressure From New Teammate.”

I know that the guy who plays Turtle has a real name, but Turtle is, in my opinion, the worst character ever written for TV so I’m just going to keep calling him that.

Easy on that hammy, buddy.

Ciara reportedly dates Amar’e Stoudemire, but he wasn’t there. Uh oh, do I smell controversy? Nope, just my Drakkar.

Incredibly poor form. For starters, she needs a mullet.

Can we get Hollywood to remake Thinner? Because someone was born for that.

Jason is a bowler famous for his unique two-handed delivery. If it’s not granny style, I don’t care.

Jesse is allegedly on “Grey’s Anatomy” but I would not know because I only watch Hallmark movies.

Jackson has appeared in timeless cinema classics such as Malibooty and 7-10 Split, starring Dame Tara Reid.

I enjoy Kevin Hart the actor, but not Kevin Hart the comedian. I also enjoy Rolos more than Twix. It’s all about revelations today.

Mindless Behavior is a child music act. I hope they didn’t perform…

Oh joy, they performed.

That’s good form right there.

Bowling fans know who these guys are, I assume.

Ryan Shafer is a professional bowler and I’m also guessing a windowless van enthusiast.

Is there anything that Strahan won’t show up for?

I assume Paul is smiling because he tricked them into attending.

I bet the conversations on the benches were inspiring.

In all seriousness, I’m looking forward to seeing Jerry Ferrara in this year’s Think Like a Man, based on the relationship book from comedian Steve Harvey and starring Chris Brown. Sounds like serious Oscar bait.

Watch out NFL, the PBA is back!

Sports

LOLNFL: Preseason 2011 Week 1 - The reasonable adult approach to professional sports is to wait for the pictures to go up and put a bunch of block letter words over them. It helps you cope with things like “collusion” and “being a Dolphins fan”. I had to make a fake AIM chatroom about baseball before I could handle it again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

With Leather

Miley Cyrus: Bowling Legend - The next morning I’m wishing I’d gone with the headline BOWLING PARTY IN THE USA. Burnsy has started a Tumblr account to make things come out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina, so click this and see where it all began. I’m going to make a Tumblr about things going INTO Miley’s vagina. Wait, E! already does that. |With Leather]

The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

The Best of the First Annual Los Angeles Beard and Mustache Championships - They should give a supplementary award to the “Most Likely To Be A Member Of Kings Of Leon”. [With Leather]

You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing - Amanda Seyfried with black hair is one small step toward the perfect woman. Justin Timberlake holding a gun and showing up in every movie is a giant leap backwards. I guess we have to put up with these things until he figures out another way to sing “ooh baby”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Friend Zone Fiona Is Someone We All Know and Love - Hilarious and spot-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected and had to sit through an hour-long explanation as to why I’m such a great and awesome friend. [UPROXX]

Marvel’s Sexy Pajamas Turn Real Women into Fantasies - I will buy these for my girlfriend on two conditions. One, they stop putting dumb phrases on the thigh. Two, they make one for Dazzler. [Gamma Squad]

WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

Miley Cyrus has made a sustainable, blockbuster career out of professions that shouldn’t make her famous. She was the daughter of country music’s Rick Astley. She was the star of a Disney Channel show about a girl who wears a wig. She had a custom-built Nicholas Sparks movie set up around her and tours the world as a Latina (?) teenager who booty-pops to auto-tuned Madonna songs with her best friend Biggus Dickus. Now Miley is embarking on a new career, and it makes less sense than ever: she’s been declared a goodwill ambassador to the game of bowling and elected to the Bowling Hall Of Fame.

Via a report from E! Online:

“We knew that with megastars such as Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber in our lineup that this year’s race would be a close one,” said Steve Johnson, executive director of the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America.

“Fueled by the passion and support of her supporters and bowling fans worldwide, Ms. Cyrus rose to the occasion scoring an incredible comeback victory. We are honored to welcome her into the Hall of Fame and grateful for her support of the great sport of bowling.”

As mentioned, Miley beat out bowling luminaries Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga and one or more Jonas Brothers to take the honor. She also beat Jeff Bridges, who as far as I know is the only person on that list to have done something in his life about bowling. The rationale for nominating these people, besides free press (and the question “can you name a pro bowler”)?

“The roster of candidates includes celebrities who have helped support and popularize bowling, contributing to its status as the nation’s number one participatory sport,” the statement says.

I googled “Miley Cyrus bowling” and literally the only thing I could find besides “Miley Cyrus inducted into Bowling Hall Of Fame” were two pictures of her doing a Hannah Montana press thing at a bowling alley when she was 11. Her head hasn’t started going through puberty yet. Look at her, shelooks like a Monchichi.

Anyway, I guess I’d have to be pretty Sports By Brooks to try and call out the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America for giving a black eye to the nation’s number one participatory sport, but damn, Drew Carey getting into the WWE Hall of Fame was pretty dumb, but at least he spent a few minutes in the Royal Rumble. This is like the Pawnee chapter of the Indiana Organization of Women giving Ron Swanson “Woman Of The Year”.

I bet there’s some poor, awesome bowler somewhere checking his mailbox every day to see if the BPAA has decided to value him over a bobbleheaded teenager who once held a bowling ball. Sorry, Ralph, not this year.

[h/t to FARK]

Those of you that have been to the Blogs With Balls events have probably thought, “Yeah, these panels are great, but I wish I could just get silly without having to pay attention to all of these panels.” Well, guess what, sucka. Fellow podcaster Dan Levy is throwing a party for his 500th show, and you can consider yourself invited. It’s happening December 18th at Northbowl Philly on N. 2nd St., and I’m going to be there at 9 PM sharp. It’ll have all of the social ineptitude of a blogger meetup, with none of that pesky note-taking.

And Levy has told me that transportation is being organized from The District, so if you’re in the DC area without families or concerns about travel the week before Christmas, you definitely need to make the trip. Admission is free and I understand that it is open bar since Bulleit Bourbon and Captain Morgan are sponsoring this whole thing. And you can introduce Wharf to your family! Or not.

You won’t pay to get in, but you need to get a ticket here. For more details as they come in, you can email the blog at WithLeather@Gmail.com with the subject “Philly” or follow the #DL2DC hastag on Twitter. There will be no better precursor to you getting drunk with your parents, so get on it.

Now I’m no expert judge of character by any means, but if a dude shows up at a high school volunteering to be a bowling coach, free of charge – well, there’s a pretty good chance that dude’s gonna end up being a perv. And so we go to Manhattan, Illinois, where 41-year old Edward R. Cetwinski was arrested after a female student reported having an affair with the ol’ three-holed ball coach. I just assumed that she was ratted out by her jealous classmates as she bragged, “Guess who’s nailing the bowling coach!”

The report was filed last week, leading to an immediate investigation of the grown man who was donating his spare time to teach high school kids how to bowl and, I’m guessing, how to grow a wicked goatee. However, people had become suspicious prior to her admittance, mainly because she kept bragging about picking up a 6-9 split. *bowtie spins, granny bowls*

Lay down the smooth game of a volunteer bowling coach, Herald-News Online:

Police reports indicate Cetwinski has been a volunteer bowling coach at Lincoln-Way Central High School and met the girl through the school.

Police arranged for the girl to have a “victim-sensitive interview” with a county social worker, which is typical in sexual abuse cases involving minors.

For anyone who wants to pay Cetwinski a visit for special lessons, his address is also listed in the article, but where he’s going they’ll probably be teaching him a whole new type of grip. I think that it’s kind of weak to just simply publish the address of a sex offender. They should include “… and he usually has big bags of money hidden in his furniture” or “… and he loves spontaneous gangbangs.” Let’s at least make things a little more challenging for the scumbags.

Law enforcement officers from a multi-department task force in Polk County (FL) were caught on camera playing video games during a drug raid.

Detectives from the Sheriff’s office, Winter Haven, Auburndale and Lakeland police department’s all participated in the raid, and all caught on camera. [...]

Records show 16 detectives spent 9 hours searching Difalco’s property, the cost to taxpayers $4,000.[...]

[Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd] “It’s an embarrassment to the detectives involved and its an embarrassment to the organization but you know what we employee 1800 people and not one of them is perfect we all make mistakes. They made a mistake.” via.

What’s the big deal? They’re just people goofing off at work in the midst of gathering evidence for a fruitless war on drugs. Funny how the most addictive thing in that house apparently was the Nintendo Wii. Seriously, I could play Wii Bowling all day. That thing is like crack. UPDATE: Deadspin has the video.

This is Timmy, and in addition to sporting an English accent guvnah, he also has a pretty severe case of narcolepsy. And watching Timmy going bowling with his friends is amazing in every way. Someday I’ll have friends that supportive. You can either watch this video now, or just wait two days for College Humor to rip it and post it on their site instead of linking to us. It’s up to you, really.

Our latest angry bowler tale comes from Rocklin, California. It’s supposedly part of greater Sacremento; I didn’t find it to be that exactly, but I’ll allow as there are some nice folks there. ‘Course, I can’t say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain’t never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. From Y! News:

Police said a dispute over bowling etiquette led one man to assault another with a 16-pound ball, knocking out one of the man’s teeth. They said a 24-year-old man hit a man in the face with the bowling ball during a melee involving six bowlers at the Rocklin AMF Lanes. Two groups got into a fist fight about 12:40 a.m. Thursday after two bowlers approached the lane at the same time. They couldn’t agree which should go first.

The suspect was being held on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon in Placer County Jail.

So if you’ve never been bowling regularly, it’s considered bad form to step up onto the lane when someone on the lane next to you has already done so. That’s a lot to keep in mind when you’re wearing such funny-looking shoes. That’s where the amphetamines comes in.