The Boston Red Sox are selling 2013 season tickets by reenacting scenes from Christmas Vacation. I hope the next one features somebody calling Bobby Valentine a “cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit”. (via MLB.com)

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From Biggie To Slayer: 12 Great Musical Guests Who Appeared On ‘The Jon Stewart Show’ |UPROXX|

Quentin Tarantino says he hopes Death Proof will be the worst movie he makes |Film Drunk|

Maggie From ‘The Walking Dead’ Has A History With Awkward Topless Scenes |Warming Glow|

A Definitive Gallery Of Your Favorite City’s Sports Team Logos Combined |With Leather|

SyFy Wants To Reboot ‘Waterworld’ As A Low-Budget Series |Gamma Squad|

Big Boi, The Underappreciated Legend |Smoking Section|

Love Thy Backup Neighbor: A Definitive Gallery Of Fan Signs Supporting Tim Tebow |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Welp, it sure ain’t as exciting as last year’s Wild Card Wednesday, when the St. Louis Cardinals made the playoffs on the final day of the MLB and went on to win the World Series. Oh, and something else happened that day with the Tampa Bay Rays winning on a walk-off home run to make the playoffs or something like that, but nobody was even watching that game. Everyone was glued to the Cardinals blowing out the Houston Astros.

Since the Cards clinched the NL’s second wild card spot last night thanks to Mark Ellis and the Los Angeles Dodgers, I guess we can pay just a little attention to the New York Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles tonight, as they could end up in a tie for first place in the AL East. You know, if that’s something that interests you.

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There’s no point in getting all maudlin and preachy about this, but it should be shown to as many people as possible: Toronto Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar showed up to Saturday’s game against the Boston Red Sox with “you are a faggot” written on his eye-black in Spanish. Somewhere an entire high school of Alabama football fans just got really into the Blue Jays.

The words under Mr. Escobar’s eyes were “TU ERE MARICON,” which can be translated as “You are a faggot.” Other possible translations of the phrase lack the homophobic connotation, but are nevertheless offensive.

Mr. Escobar, a 29-year-old native of Havana, Cuba, has been seen at other games this season with different Spanish phrases written on his eye black. (via The Globe And Mail)

The other translation that is offensive but not homophobic is, “you are a pussy”. Long story short, there’s no way he thought he was writing “you are a jerk” on his face in Spanish, and no matter how he translates it it was something stupid and awful. Like I said, I don’t need to hop up onto a soap box and start pointing giant fingers at a dude who wrote “you are a faggot” on his face in magic marker, and unless Sarah Palin starts TwitPicking herself wearing a Yunel Escobar jersey we can probably just roll our eyes, dismiss Yunel’s contributions to baseball with a wanking motion and continue not giving a shit about the Blue Jays.

Here’s a statement from the people who do care about the Blue Jays, the Blue Jays:

The Toronto Blue Jays do not support discrimination of any kind nor condone the message displayed by Yunel Escobar during Saturday’s game. The club takes this situation seriously and is investigating the matter.

Alex Anthopoulos, Sr. VP Baseball Operations and General Manager will be available to the media tomorrow afternoon at Yankee Stadium and we expect him to be joined by Yunel Escobar, Manager John Farrell and Coach Luis Rivera. Details and location for the media availability will be announced tomorrow.

I hope Yunel’s response to the media is either “a less important person did it and didn’t tell me what I was sticking to my face” followed by a mailroom firing or “I AM a homophobe, losers!” followed by a bunch of crotch-chopping. Maybe next time he’ll skip the slurs and go straight to the offensive eye-black classics, like “DONG 3:16″.

[h/t to Big League Stew]

In the best example of a documentary turning a mundane task into high drama since King Of Kong’s Steve Wiebe had to choose between breaking the world Donkey Kong record or wiping his kid’s butt, FilmBuff’s Knuckleball turns “throwing a knuckleball” into a mystical fraternity of dudes who throw a ball a certain way despite it turning them into the worst and most ostracized people in the world.

This classic sports story recounts the 2011 journey of the last professional knuckleball pitchers: Tim Wakefield, a 17-year Red Sox veteran, and Mets up-and-comer R.A. Dickey. Together with just four other living knuckleballers, they shine a light on their remarkable brotherhood and the shared pursuit of honor and craftsmanship. (via YouTube description)

All joking (and melodrama) aside, I love a good baseball documentary, so I can’t wait for this. R.A. Dickey holding a chain-link fence, wishing every child could learn to throw a knuckleball is exactly what I want from a knuckleball movie anyway.

You can check out the full trailer below.

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Boston’s Fox 25 News has a pretty straight-forward story about someone waltzing into Fenway Park and leaving with the muppet shell that constitutes Wally The Green Monster, the Boston Red Sox mascot.

Boston police and Fenway Park security were searching for the “Wally the Green Monster” costume Friday.

Security told Boston police that someone put the costume on and walked out of the park. Wally was last seen heading toward Ipswich Street.(via Fox 25 News)

The Boston Herald, on the other hand, has gone out of their way to make the situation as much like a missing person report as possible. After reading it, I’m pretty sure Wally’s been kidnapped and is being housed in a warehouse somewhere with a gun to his head.

“It is Wally the Green Monster that has been stolen,” Officer Nicole Grant told the Herald.

A call came in for a larceny in progress at 2:22 p.m. from an address at the corner of Boylston and Dartmouth streets. The culprit was last seen in the area of Boylston and Fairfield streets, police report. Police have also checked the Common to see if Wally was taking a stroll through the park.

The Red Sox confirmed the costume is missing and police are searching the MBTA for Wally. A police helicopter has also joined the search as the hunt is on in the Hub for Wally. (via Boston Herald)

I’m not a fan of the Red Sox and I’ve never met Wally (surprising, especially if you know me), but I swear I will sit by this computer screen diligently throughout the weekend and update you with every bit of available information that surfaces about The Green Monster’s whereabouts. The mascot who shares a name with something Manny Ramirez used to pee in deserves better, dammit.

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Good to know Usher and Justin Bieber had a baby already. Man, Phillie Phanatic would’ve slaughtered everyone on screen. (via NESN)

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Links

Update your calendar: Tommy Davidson Live Q & A Tomorrow Morning 8:30/11:30 am |Film Drunk|

Behind The Eyewriter, A Life-Changing Eyetracking System Designed For Sufferers Of ALS & Paralysis |UPROXX|

Louis C.K. Went On ‘The Tonight Show’ And Made Fun Of Jay Leno’s Big Dumb Face |Warming Glow|

Michael Shannon And 10 Other TV Stars You Probably Didn’t Know Were In Bands |UPROXX|

In Retrospect: The Chris Benoit Murder-Suicide Five Years Later |Smoking Section|

‘The Many Talents of Kate Upton’ Is Terry Richardson’s Masterwork |With Leather|

5 Ways Video Games Can Improve Their Openings |Gamma Squad|

Louis C.K. Announces New Tour, Screws Ticketmaster & Scalpers By Selling Tickets Himself |UPROXX|

The ‘Iron Man’ Trilogy Makes No Sense (And Other Confusing Trilogies) |UPROXX|

First Look: The “Black Dynamite” Animated Series Trailer |Smoking Section|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: A Thousand Words About The Artist We Call C-Tates |Film Drunk|

Nickelodeon Buried a Time Capsule in 1992 — Here’s What’s Inside |Warming Glow|

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