Middle school is officially over: Shaquille O’Neal is retiring.

In a very Shaq kind of way, the former Most Valuable Player and four-time NBA Champion (and magical genie) announced his retirement via a Twitter post linking to a video (which you can watch here) that cuts out after about 10 seconds to reveal Shaq singing the backing vocals for the “When Doves Cry” breakdown. That’s really the best way for Shaq to go, isn’t it?

Of course, announcing something like this on Twitter means that almost anyone who’d be reading a site like this as news already knows, so these HEY GUYS SHAQ JUST SAID HE’S RETIRING posts are mostly for a reflection on the man’s career, and the borderline psychopathic undertones it carried for almost 20 years. In his career, Shaq:

1. Released multiple rap albums despite nobody wanting him to
2. Winning a Razzie for Worst Actor by putting on a suit of armor in a Superman spinoff
3. Had a test of strength-ish showdown with The Big Show on WWE Raw
4. Had his own Sega Genesis game about how great he was at karate
5. Got spanked by Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live
6. Boxed Oscar de la Hoya for absolutely no reason

…and that doesn’t begin to touch his accomplishments on the court, including 15 all-star selections, rookie of the year, three Finals MVP awards and a couple of Olympic Gold medals. How do you tribute this guy? He has a colossal Superman bed and he’s almost 40 years old. He’s a living tribute to himself, isn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Shaq, whether we liked you or not. Because we all kind of liked you.

Even though the 2010-11 NBA season hasn’t ended yet, and even though the league is facing an almost certain lockout with mid-level players (even possibly LeBron James) already threatening to flee to Europe’s generous contracts and lower costs of living, the majority of the sports world wants to focus clearly on what matters most – Dwight Howard’s free agency more than 365 days away.

Of course we know that Los Angeles Lakers fans assume he’ll head west like Shaquille O’Neal, Michael Wilbon made the bold statement that the Chicago Bulls are already looking to deal for Howard because no other team has even thought of it yet, and for some reason Boston Celtics fans think that Magic GM Otis Smith would trade Howard to his current division rivals. Hey, maybe someone should ask the man himself. Again.

“I’m not trying to run behind nobody like Shaq or be behind somebody else,” Howard said, referencing Shaquille O’Neal’s decision to leave the Magic following the 1995-96 season and sign with the Los Angeles Lakers.

“I want to start my own path and I want people to follow my path and not just follow somebody else’s path. I want to have my own path, and I want to start that here in Orlando. But I can’t do it alone. Not only do I need the right teammates, but I need the city behind me. That’s the only way it’s going to get done. We can change this small city that we have — this small market that we have — and we can make it a big market.” (Orlando Sentinel)

Howard said this at a picnic he hosted to celebrate Memorial Day in Orlando, and he also invited the entire city. He could just be saying the right things to eventually save face, but I assume this means he is serious since he didn’t corral all of the people into a building and set it on fire while screaming, “SHAQ AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON ME!”

*Self-proclaimed.

After the Miami Heat defeated the Boston Celtics to advance to the Eastern Conference Finals, LeBron James told reporters that he was sorry for the way “The Decision” happened. He claimed that he knew that the only way he could ever beat the Boston Celtics would be teaming up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, and that’s why he chose Miami. Apparently he was so blinded with rage and ambition after he gave up lost to the Celtics in the playoffs last year that he was willing to forgo his future as the game’s biggest star to create a miniature Dream Team, which is fine because it’s certainly working out well. LeBron admitted that he’s been through a lot since that fateful TV programming blunder, and he is simply sorry for it.

Responded the entire city of Cleveland, “Aw, it’s cool, boo. We were just playing.”

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Before we get to last night’s bipolar NBA action, the Orlando Sentinel, which notably played a major role in Shaquille O’Neal leaving Orlando, has launched PleaseStayDwight.com, which takes people to an interactive graphic on the newspaper’s website. This graphic, as seen above, allows fans to dress Dwight up in a variety of jerseys, including the Miami Heat, New York Knicks, and most notably the Los Angeles Lakers, as most people assume Dwight is heading to them anyway. The Sentinel’s effort isn’t to be confused with StayDwight.com, which is a Magic fan/celebrity booking agent’s effort to keep Dwight in Orlando, or this schmuck’s effort to get a street named after Dwight. Regardless, Dwight has expressed his discontent with the Sentinel, and this is all too familiar.

Of course I’ve simply fallen into a dying newspaper’s trap, but I’m mostly just pointing out that if you thought Carmelo Anthony rumors and headlines were bad, get ready for a real sh*tshow.

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Through aggressive shirt touseling and a series of screams, Kevin Garnett made it clear to Green Street that the Celtics are ready to hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats, and that he is Boston’s blackest and greenest Mark Messier.

Via WEEI.com:

“We’re taking their best shot. I still don’t think we’ve played our best basketball and we’ve got to do that. We can’t just come out here and talk about it. We’re not on the white sands of the beach no more. We’re back in the jungle. Hopefully that’ll do some good for us. We’ll figure it out. I told you man, we’re all in. I got two pocket Kings and I’m all in. Let’s do it.”

Sometimes mixing metaphors doesn’t work (like the song “2 A.M.” by Anna Nalick, where she compares life to an hourglass glued to a table with difficult to find controls inside of a cable car), but when you’re Kevin Garnett and sports are on the line, it is awesome. You’re in the jungle, and I’m willing to cheat at cards to beat you while you’re there! I couldn’t cheat when we were playing on the beach but NOW I CAN BECAUSE THE JUNGLE. Garnett’s roaring is especially welcome in response to the L.A. Lakers, who are down two-zip to the Mavericks and the best Kobe Bryan can do is practice quietly.

So, With Leather (I am addressing you directly), since I won’t talk to you again until Monday, what’s going to happen? Which approach is going to work? Can the Celtics or the Lakers rebound? And what happens if they don’t, and we have to watch the Hawks? Am I even allowed to do that?

Miami Heat 102, Boston Celtics 91 (Series: 2-0 MIA)

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the proud, sometimes arrogant boasting of my Boston friends. But that’s the game, friends. One team grows old, another blossoms. They’re like supermodel girlfriends for wealthy Persian night club owners. In this case, Boston is a 31-year old fake blonde with a face like an oiled catcher’s mitt and Miami is a sexy 18-year old Brazilian girl with an ass you can rest a drink on.

LeBron James led the way for Miami with 35 points while Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh combined for 45. But nobody cares about any of that because there’s a huge elephant in the room now – Chris Paul sat courtside with Maverick Carter, who is of course the best friend of LeBron James: The Person and CEO of LeBron James: The Company. If you’d like to learn more about Maverick, you can read Jason Whitlock’s blowjob piece about their time together. Otherwise, get ready for a sh*tload of CP3 to the Heat rumors.

Quote of the game: “Feel good about it. Series is far — far, far, far — away from over. It’s really just beginning for us.” – LeBron James. Define far, dude. One more win and this series is over, barring a Dave Roberts stolen base and a Bill Mueller single.

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