As someone who is naturally sculpted and forged from flesh and iron, when my buddy Chris at Dog and Pony Show Tweeted a video of a guy doing no-armed push-ups, I thought for sure it was about me, but it turns out that someone else on this planet is capable of such a feat with his feet. Too bad the video above is a fake. It has to be. No one on this planet is as powerful as me, but if the Russians are trying to clone me, then Barack Obama and the boys better send some other clones of me to Moscow on the fly or we’re gonna have some real life A Good Day to Die Hard going down.

Also, that movie was awesome. So go see that tonight if you haven’t already.

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The Ryder Cup is coming up.  That's the one where it's American golfers versus European ones, and all the wives wear stupid hats.  And this year, European captain Nick Faldo has enlisted the help of Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain, a name so ridiculous that it couldn't possibly be fake.  Why?  Because no one can fire up your gold team like the drummer of a metal band that formed over 30 years ago.

Faldo told BBC anchor Gary Lineker he’d signed up Nicko to help motivate the team…

I’m struggling to picture Colin Montgomerie in his leathers moshing to "Bring Your Daughter… To The Slaughter."  It would make a terrible mess of his cashmere sweaters.

Well, then that chubby pusstard Montgomerie can mosh to "Aces High."  Powerslave is a way fucking better album anyway.  Um, I mean, who listens to that trash anyway?  GRRR BALLET!

I think I may have messed that joke up somewhere.

[Deuce of Davenport] 

AL — Evan Longoria homered for the third straight game and Scott Kazmir returned to his early season form, allowing just two hits in seven innings as the Rays shut out Oakland 4-0.  They didn't actually laud any homosexuals; I just wanted the headline to rhyme some more… The Tigers beat up on a hapless Triple-A team, notching nineteen runs while waxing Kansas City.  Miguel Cabrera had five hits, six RBIs, and seven compliments on how nice he looked… Josh Hamilton hit a three-run blast in the Rangers' 6-1 victory over the White Sox.  What, only one home run the whole game, Hamilton?  Young man, I don't expect anything less than 28 home runs from you.  Per at-bat.

NL — Bill Hall's 10th-inning home run helped the Brewers beat the Cards 6-3.  "Bill Hall" is such a great pedestrian name.  I always feel like he should be a late-1970s middle infielder with a bushy mustache… The Padres rallied to score three runs in the ninth, then closer Trevor Hoffman escaped a bases-load picklejam as San Diego upended the Reds 6-4.  The Padres are now 1-53 this season when they trail after eight innings.  That's an actual stat.  It makes France's war record look good…  Rich Harden sucks.  In his first start for the Cubs, he didn't drive in any runs to help himself out, so of course he got the loss.  Oh, he also allowed one hit and one run in seven innings while getting out-dueled by Randy Johnson, who is now 13-0 against the Cubs in his career.  Think about it: that streak probably began when he was on the Expos.  Or the Louisville Grays.