With Tiger Woods off to a decent start at the British Open — who hasn't made a 90-foot putt? — I offer you this drunken golfing video from 100% Injury Rate. Although I must warn you: the end result is disappointing. Not quite Sopranos-disappointing; more like Articles of Confederation-disappointing. It just needs to be done again until they get it right.
All right, if the sports world wants to take a day off and provide me with zero friggin stories, then you're all just gonna get silly videos all day. I don't care if it takes 20 minutes for the page to load. It's my site and I'll post video of people shotgunning beers and trying to dunk if I want to. Especially if they end with idiots crashing into garbage cans.
If you're anything like me — and I bet you are, you dirty little skank — then you've been playing your games of whiffleball piteously sober. Or maybe you're wasting time by drinking between your at-bats. Thankfully, our friends at College Humor have the answer:
Louisville Chugger: "Cut the top off a whiffle ball bat, plug the small hole in the bottom, pour in the beer. Chug the beer, then spin around the bat for the amount of time it took you to chug said beer. Afterwards, try to hit the empty can and not fall."
Ah, college. And to think I wasted so much of it going to half of my classes.
On the heels of yesterday's popular Port-a-Racing at the Preakness comes another gem from blogger-on-the-scene Dan Steinberg (with his trusty producer The Dude Abides). Here, the Washington Post's intrepid bloggers go to Pimlico's infield, a place even NFL players deem too "scary" to enter. And then they interview a bunch of hammered idiots who take pride in representing Maryland.
I'm not going to lie to you: this is not humanity's finest moment. It is, however, AWESOME to watch.
Delisa Schubert complained to the country club about golfers peeing near her house. The country club did nothing, so she did what any other American would do: she filmed the urinators.
Schubert has reported the problem to police, city officials, the local district attorney and the golf course manager. They suggested she record the offenders, and in a year she says she has captured more than 40 golfers in the act…
Schubert, her husband and daughters ages 11 and 15 live next to the Tennessee Centennial Golf Course in Oak Ridge, 20 miles west of Knoxville. She said they family moved there so the girls could improve their golf game.
Read: their daughters are stocky and unpopular.
Schubert says the underlying problem is too much beer and no restraint… "On the face of this, it's funny. But when you think about it, it's extremely dangerous. They're going to get in their car and drive off drunk."
So now it's about the drunk drivers, eh? People always wanna blame the drunk drivers. "Oh, a drunk driver killed this family of four." "A drunk driver horribly disfigured a carful of teenagers." Nobody ever wants hear that the margaritas are responsible, even though they were half-priced during happy hour and totally didn't hit me until I stood up. Especially not the judge. Believe me.
Grey Goose went to the trouble of writing up a press release for a new drink it invented for the Kentucky Derby, and it's my duty to defend the proud history of bourbon — the official liquor of the United States — and decry this attempted coup by vodka, the official spirit of people who like getting drunk but don't like the taste of booze.
As an official sponsor of the National Thoroughbred Racing Association, Inc. (NTRA), for the third year running, Run for the Roses will be the official GREY GOOSE Vodka cocktail served at NTRA festivities celebrating the 133rd Kentucky Derby on May 5, 2007 at Churchill Downs… Run for the Roses is a refreshing alternative to the Mint Julep while still embodying the essence of Kentucky Derby tradition. Run for the Roses is the perfect addition to any Kentucky Derby celebration.
Having lived at Fort Knox during the Kentucky Derby, I can tell you a good alternative to the mint julep: Maker's Mark on the rocks. But let's take a look at the new drink:
3 Parts GREY GOOSE L'Orange Vodka / 2 Parts peach brandy / 2 Parts southern sweet iced tea / 2 Parts fresh lime juice / 2 Rose petals for Garnish / Chambord for floating
Stir with a fresh tampon and you're all set! If you don't feel like showing your tits, it's the perfect way to show people how much of a woman you are.
