If there’s one thing I love, it’s nonsensical rankings for my own personal enjoyment. Let’s get to it.

1) Cats in Space – Ufford recounts the history of interstellar felines. It’s chock full of cats photoshopped as astronauts; humor that transcends race, gender, or religion. Suck it, Laser Cats.

Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, staple liquor brands who probably don’t need to spend extra money to appeal to the redneck demographic, have announced that they will not be renewing their sponsorship agreements with their respective NASCAR Sprint Cup Series teams in 2010.

The maker of Jim Beam Bourbon will stop sponsoring Robby Gordon’s Sprint Cup team next season, sending another liquor company to the NASCAR sidelines.

A day after Jack Daniel’s announced it would stop supporting Casey Mears’ No. 07 Chevrolet for Richard Childress Racing, Beam Global Spirits & Wine, Inc. said Tuesday it was shifting sponsorship dollars to areas outside NASCAR.

It’s not terribly surprising, considering neither of their drivers made the Chase and that, well, people are going to get drunk on bourbon and whiskey whether or not they’re watching a car with its logo run around the track. But don’t ask me to tell you which is which. Brown booze isn’t really my bag. Twelve-ounce bottles and cans are much easier to hold on those Sunday morning drives home from the bar.

Brad Fittler, head coach of Australia’s Sydney Roosters rugby team, fined himself for drunken behavior on a team road trip last weekend. From the Herald Sun, via Sports Rubbish:

Police were called to Townsville’s Holiday Inn early on Friday morning after two female guests reported a “creepy man” with a “hairy chest” – wearing only shorts – was trying to get into their room.

Police arrived at 3.15am to find a “very drunk” Fittler still outside the room. Fittler got out of the elevator at the wrong floor and shook the room’s door, mistaking it for his.

No charges will be filed, but the timing blows because Fittler’s team is at the bottom of the table and appears to be a dead coach walking. At least last weekend, he was a dead coach drinking. Which is usually a precursor to dead coach running off to Argentina with his mistress. Yeah, nobody was gonna figure that one out…

New Orleans Saints tight end/waste of life Jeremy Shockey has been in and out of the hospital after he was found unconscious in a room at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas, and what happened in Vegas apparently did not stay in Vegas.

Shockey was taken Sunday from the Hard Rock Hotel to a local hospital, where he was treated and released, Saints spokesman Greg Bensel said.

Shockey was found unconscious in a hotel room while attending a pool party called Rehab, the New York Post reported Monday.

“Rehab” is a bit ironic since Shockey was being treated for dehydration. If he were a true offensive lineman, he would have died, which would have been fine with everyone. Nobody would have missed the white Freddie Mitchell, especially if he would have died the same way Elvis did–overweight, off his game, and in a pool of his own filth. Maybe next year.

|UPI, imgs from Busted Coverage, TMZ|

In response to the bad press that always follows 24 hours in the drunk tank when you pass out at Hooters, John Daly has come forth to set the record straight on last week’s incident.  And by “set the record straight,” I mean “confuse me with statements that don’t fit in with the police report.”

According to Winston-Salem police, Daly appeared “extremely intoxicated and uncooperative” when he was found outside a Hooters restaurant early Oct. 27. With no other means of transportation, he was taken to the Forsyth County jail for 24 hours to get sober.

Daly said it could have been avoided if his friends had realized he tends to sleep with his eyes open when he’s tired, stressed and has been drinking. He said the driver of his private bus, parked near Hooters, panicked when he saw Daly and called the paramedics. [...]

“The bus driver called 911 because my eyes were open,” Daly said. “I said, ‘What’s going on?’ He said, ‘We thought you were dead.’ Anybody who knows me … when I’m tired, I sleep with my eyes open. They know it takes awhile to wake me up.”

So, okay.  The police report says Daly passed out in the Hooters, and his friends abandoned him.  Daly says he was on his bus, and his concerned friends called the paramedics.   I don’t want to sound like some asshole skeptic here, but maybe — juuuuuust maybe — we should take the word of the passed-out drunk with a little salt.

[Sports by Brooks]

Here's Belarussian soccer referee Sergei Shmolik hard at work, much in the same way I'm hard at work right now.

Referee Sergei Shmolik was helped off the field with back pain while officiating a Belarus league match, but later was shown to be drunk…

Shmolik was hardly moving by the end of the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw, officiating from the central circle by the end of the game.

It's also a passable impression of Vincent D'Onofrio's "Bug" character from Men in Black, which is more than I can say about myself.  I do more of a Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.  Drinking myself to death, falling in love with hookers, falling through glass tables.  "Look at me, I'm a prickly pear!"

[Unprofessional Foul]