If I told you that former UFC fighter Tank Abbott had taken a break from fighting to the death at cookouts to write a trilogy of old-adult novels about a legendary bar brawler who totally never fought someone at a cookout and is instead a college student and also a WANDERING VIGILANTE who hates “posers” and “bullies,” what would you say? What would you expect him to include in the narrative?
If your answers were “hahah what,” and “dogs named after Adolph Hitler” respectively, BOY, ARE YOU IN FOR A TREAT. Welcome to the wonderful, wonderful world of Before There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. At least, I think that’s the formal title. He should’ve written “A BOOK” and “BY ME” under A Novel, just to make sure.
Here are the opening lines. PREPARE YOUR ASSES.
“Gunslinger of the bars, where a duel was a fist-fight without weapons or you backed down by calling the bouncers. It was just kicking ass or getting your ass kicked. The gunslinger didn’t care if he won or lost, but only about his personal integrity and being satisfied when he woke up in the morning that he had delivered justice to a deserving cockroach.”
There’s no way this is real. The guys at Progressive Boink are just f**king with me. This is a Story Of Intrigue, right? God, I hope the original draft of that paragraph read: “My name is Tank Abortt, I’m am a MNA Fighter, one thing I know is that your a pussy and if we got into a fight I would win because I aren’t a pussy. I’m Tonk Abbott, most legendary of all the bars. Come phase me so I can put the BOMB on you!!” I also hope Bob Sapp is the only person who got to read that draft.
The book description from the book’s — ahem, novel’s — Amazon page is below. Read every word of it. You cannot understand how wonderful this is. His dog is named after Hitler.