This morning, NCAA President Mark Emmert officially announced the sanctions for Penn State University and its football program in the wake of what I can only call an incredibly bizarre and unbelievable scandal. Emmert made it clear before this morning’s announcement that PSU football would not receive the “death penalty” as punishment for coaches and administrators covering up the sexual assaults of former coach Jerry Sandusky, but that appears to have just been lip service. What Penn State actually received was the lethal injection to Southern Methodist’s firing squad.

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I would guess that a lot of guys have gone through a breakup with a girl and then the whole thing seems over and then the girl calls you up (or maybe they just send texts now; I honestly don’t know how that sort of thing works these days) and then she’s all I’d really like to see you one more time. And then the guy is all like Why should I see you? You broke up WITH ME. And then she’s like, Well I need CLOSURE. And it’s usually just “closure” without “closure sex.” So then dude has to go put on pants without any hope of taking them off.

So of course dude is like all Forget that, baby. But then she gets all whiny and she gets all Please, this would really mean a lot to me. And then he goes ahead and goes and then he realizes that she only dumped him so that she’d have more leverage to keep him from hanging out with his friends at that seedy bar on Thursday nights even though she has FREAKING PILATES ON THURSDAY and wouldn’t want to hang out with him on that night anyway. Yeah, that’s exactly what this Bobby Bowden thing is like.

Following Florida State's first shutout loss in 233 games, FSU offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden resigned today, effective at the end of the season. And we all know what "resigned" means. It means, "Daddy no longer loves you."

I actually have a lot of sympathy for Jeff. I tried to follow in my father's footsteps, but it didn't work out. I didn't have the right mindset. He was all about being a feared international jewel thief, while my passion has always been fighting crime. And if you don't think there's going to be a tense faceoff between us that settles this once and for all, you're clearly ignorant of how Hollywood blockbusters work.

I'm sorry, I lied about all that. The truth is my dad fired me from Burger King. Whatever, I wasn't about to stop calling the Big Fish Sandwhich the Whaler.