Aleksander Emelianenko is fighting Bob Sapp. It is going to be amazing.

As Cage Potato phrased it, it’s one of the most notorious can-crushers in MMA history against its most notorious can, and the only pertinent question is “will Alexander throw or land a punch before Sapp drops and pretends to be incapacitated.” My cat could knock out Bob Sapp by jumping onto his lap.

To hype the fight, Emelianenko has gone into outer space to punch-murder sand pirates. I mean, that’s what I pieced together by watching this video. I don’t speak Russian, so maybe I’m wrong. Check it out for yourself, and ponder how hilarious Bob Sapp’s return diss is gonna be if the opening blow is “I cannot be held in the chains of space sand pirates.”

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Would you like to win a free trip to Australia and $300 to stand in the corner of Bob Sapp for the 40-50 seconds it takes for whoever’s fighting him to knock him out? This is the contest for you!

The details:

Create a 30 second video that demonstrates your admiration (or hatred) for The Beast!
Upload to your youtube account.
Submit your video in the reply section below.
Make sure you have the address “youtube.com/BobSappTV” in the video and the video’s description.
Please title your video “BobSappTV Video Contest”
Winner will receive:
1 Round-Trip ticket to Sydney Australia
$300 spending money
Free Hotel and Meals
VIP access to the fight (CFC 21)
Become The Beasts Cornerman for the fight.

*Contestants must be 21 or older with a valid passport

*Contestants must know nothing about fighting and think Old Spice commercials are hilarious

Whether you care about Bob Sapp or not, you should give this contest a shot. It’s 30 seconds of work for 300 bucks and a free trip, and chances are he’s gonna get like 10 responses so if you’re even moderately funny and don’t slur his worthlessness you should be all right. Just put on boxing gloves and go BLAGH at the camera, he loves that.

[h/t Cage Potato]

What you’re supposed to get from watching this video: Bobb Sapp is fighting Mariusz Pudzianowski at KSW 19 on May 12.

What you actually get from watching this video: A sinus headache, followed by the assumption that Bob Sapp is a megalomaniacal Japanese super villain who can’t properly eat eggs, can punch a pillow so hard it explodes and stole his best trash talking bits from that part in The Goonies where Corey Feldman puts his tongue through a painting. Also, he’s fighting someone named Mario.

Of course, no matter how dumb this video is (or how sad Bob Sapp gets, because seriously, all I see when I look at him now is two minutes of Bobby Lashley throwing humping elbows) it’s an episode of ‘Cosmos’ compared to that horrible “how to rape a lady and get your dick bitten by a transsexual” thing Rampage Jackson pulled last week. It’s easier for me to accept the “it’s just a joke” defense when it’s a guy biting eggs and laughing like M. Bison.

Sports

11 Questions With Bob Sapp - I don’t think I could limit my questions for Bob Sapp to 11. One of them would have to be “do you think it was scientifically probable that the Great Muta’s poisoned mist impregnated Yinling the Erotic Terrorist, and if so, do you think there’s a logical reason why it would’ve impregnated her with a monster?” [Cage Potato]

Georgetown Hoyas Basketball Brawl In China - Watch a bunch of Chinese Thugs pick a fight with the Georgetown Hoyas. Or, for a more accurate analysis, “watch young people without perspective on the world fight each other for no real reason all around the world”. [Smoking Section]

UFC On Fox - I would pay good money for a The Ultimate Fighter/Glee crossover, but I know it would end with them pantomiming “Love Is A Battlefield” with a big spinning octagon in the background. Glee is maybe the worst thing ever. Maybe. [Cagewriter]

Athletic Supporter: Little League Dad - Punte said it best: “Grand total of f**ks given here about the Little League World Series: 0.00″. [Tauntr]

With Leather

Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Mark Sanchez - Rex Ryan says Mark Sanchez is an elite NFL quarterback. In a related story, Clint Hurdle says Andy Marte is still one of the best prospects in baseball. And he thinks his GQ spread was hot as sh**, no homo. [With Leather]

The World’s Fattest Lady Wants To Be Fatter - Of course she does. Click here to find out what happens when Kaneda can’t stop her transformation in time. [With Leather]

Headlocks Are False Imprisonment - If putting your sister in a headlock can land you in jail, I’m happy the cops never found out about that time I put my friend’s girlfriend in the Liontamer on a diving board. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Part 2 will be arriving shortly, so treat this like a REAL Final Destination movie: you have to see the first one or none of it will make sense. Just kidding, a blind kitten could explain the plot of Final Destination 4 in about twenty seconds. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Best Wishes, Tara Reid: Celebrating Hollywood’s All-Time Shortest Marriages - Losing Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Connelly to waifish adulthood was sad, losing busty teen redhead Lindsay Lohan to drugs was worse, but losing Josie and The Pussycats-era Tara Reid to whatever happened to Tara Reid is the worst. She was SO CUTE, ARGH. [UPROXX]

Armond White’s 30 Minutes or Less Review Is a Masterpiece - Every lame nerd you’ve argued with on the internet should aspire to be Armond White. New professional goal: use the term “bourgeois” in a baseball recap. [Film Drunk]

TV Chefs Be Fightin’ - Hopefully this leads to Giada de Laurentiis killing Bobby Flay with a javelin, or any kind of large spear. I’m weird, I just want to see Giada in her own Conan The Barbarian thing. [Warming Glow]

What’s the most unfortunately-named band you could possibly think of to play a 9/11 concert? - I was gonna go with …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, but this is pretty good too. [FARK]