If you’re familiar with our A Guide to Recognizing Your Mascots series (specifically the Northwest League edition) you’re familiar with Eugene Emeralds mascot “Sluggo”, a chatty, lime-green bear with abandonment and voyeurism issues. It should come as no surprise to you that Sluggo has now made National News™ by instructing a child to kick a tree in the gonads because he lost a game of musical chairs.

The moment happened during the Emeralds’ “Blue Balls Night” promotion last month and marred the event, Eugene’s second most popular promotion behind “Cockblock Saturdays”. Two ball boys engage in a game of musical chairs with secondary mascot “Douglas Fir”. Douglas cheats to win, shoving one of the little boys out of the seat at the last minute, and because we’re a part of a weird society that rewards horrible behavior in young people, Sluggo blatantly instructs the kid to boot DF between the roots. The announcers even call it “karma”. Shaking my damn head, Eugene Emeralds.

I think true karma would be for Douglas Fir to die and for those kids eventually suffocate to death because they chopped him down and f**ked their own air supply.

[h/t Off the Bench]

Well, that's not fair. You Tube won't let me me post videos where I handle my junk for 2 minutes. Who am I kidding – I'm done after 30 seconds. I have a medical condition. Anyway, this video is further evidence that Congress needs to re-institute the draft. Our young men should be devising ways to hurt our enemies' testicles! -KD  

According to the San Diego Union Tribune, the Atlanta Falcons are trying to get their third choice for a new head coach, Marty Schottenheimer, and his former cohort in San Diego, current Chargers' Assistant GM Buddy Nix. 

San Diego GM A.J. Smith talked to the Union-Tribune about the speculation, saying, "I have not heard about Buddy Nix, but I have heard the Coach Schottenheimer rumors. "If true, I believe a Buddy Nix-Marty Schottenheimer team in Atlanta would be a perfect fit. … Buddy got along well with Coach Schottenheimer. They socialized together, went out to dinner, golfed together, sat together on the plane, talked football all the time."

They sat together on the plane? (Cue the sitcom audience: "Ooohh.") Conversely, SI is reporting that Schottenheimer is happy being retired. Having your team coached by Marty is a lot like getting several lap dances. At first, your expectations are low and it seems a little awkward. Then, it starts to feel good and then you get very excited only to have the bouncer kick out because you wanted to touch the . . . er, um . . . Lombardi trophies trophy. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, you can either get fleeced in the champagne room or get a lovely Russian lady who'll take you to the promised land. -KD