I’ve been to a lot of boring baseball games, and I’ve seen fans soldier through the lulls in action by reading books, playing video games and pretty much anything else besides “watching baseball”. Now, thanks to this clip from Deadspin, I’ve seen a guy pass the time by making blowjob faces.

It happened during Tuesday night’s weather-delayed game between the Chicago Cubs and the Pittsburgh Pirates. During the ninth inning, this gent goes full Pornhub with every blowjob pantomime variation he can muster, including the straight-up gag and double-dong swordfight. It’s at least as interesting as a 3-0 Cubs loss.

Security eventually wises up to his show, but not before he makes Comcast’s slow-motion replay and becomes an Internet superstar. You’re the next Michelle Jenneke, guy! Thanks for making “Chicago Cubs blowjob” a viable search option, I guess.

If you’re reading this, Chicago Cubs Blowjob Guy, I recommend spending your next 9th inning going full Annie Edison:

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Back in June, we introduced you to Angelina Castro and Sara Jay, two adult film actresses who also happen to be the world’s biggest Miami Heat fans. Well, they made a promise to their several hundred thousand Twitter followers that if the Heat won the NBA Finals, they’d perform oral sex on all of their followers who showed up to a specific location on August 2. That day has since passed, and a few readers asked me, “Hey Burnsy, we know you only date Perfect 10 models, but did this event actually happen?”

You bet your Adult Friend Finder membership it did.

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We’re less than a month away from the most important basketball event of the summer, and it appears that the NBA is trying to ruin the fun for everyone. I’m not talking about the 2012 Summer Olympics, because I’m an American who lives with the foregone conclusion that Team USA will destroy every other basketball team, so the importance of such an event is lost on me.

No, I’m talking about two diehard Miami Heat fans who simply want to show the world how much they love their team by orally pleasing any man who wants to stand in a line and watch every guy in front of them get a beej. I believe that’s called the American dream. But the NBA doesn’t share that dream, because apparently the new league slogan is “Where hummers don’t happen”.

At least that’s what this statement from the league’s lawyers is telling Sara Jay and Angelina Castro.

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Last week, we brought you the heartwarming Disney story of Sara Jay and Angelina Castro, the two adult film starlets who promised to suck off all of their Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the NBA Finals. Well, the Heat won, so it’s time to start those Hoovers up, ladies. But if you had Sara and Angelina pegged as liars, guess what? You’re hella wrong, son.

On August 2, at a yet-to-be-decided location, Sara and Angelina are going to strap on the knee pads and go from suck to blow and back. So if you’re one of their followers and you want to stand in line to get a beej, stay tuned to their Twitters. Oh, before you get all bonered up, let’s discuss a few rules first.

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Before the NBA Finals began, there was some talk about two adult film actresses who had pledged to perform oral sex on all of their combined Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the championship. I didn’t bother looking to see who the two starlets were, because I knew that they weren’t Kayden Kross or Andy San Dimas, so it didn’t matter to me. I mean, I was at church and I don’t know who those girls are or… whatever, it’s Friday.

The actual ladies in question are Angelina Castro and Sara Jay (semi-NSFW) – pictured above in their own crudely photoshopped tribute to the Heat – and according to their Tweets from last night, drop yo pants, fellas. And bring some Purell.

Ew. Everything about this. Just, ew.

I’d love to see the guys who show up to this, though. Real winners in that crowd, I’d expect. Probably wearing Mike Miller jerseys.

But I’m not one to crap on honest-to-goodness sports fans, so congrats, Sara Jay and Angelina Castro! Congrats, Miami Heat fans! Congrats, LeBron James and Chris Bosh! And congrats Centers for Disease Control!

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Baseball starts tomorrow, and one of the challenges of every–yes, seriously. Opening Day is tomorrow. Anyway, the guys at The Apple satirized the New York Mets’ quest to promote a special section of the ballpark for discounted family tickets. The results were quite humorous.

Late last week, BJ’s Wholesale Club signed on to sponsor the section. In an effort to incorporate the sponsor into the promotion the Mets came up with Mr. Mets BJ Club [sic].[..]

Needless to say the phones at Citi Field began to ring off the hook. Half of the calls were from angry parents while the other half were from men desperate to get tickets in the new section.

–The [Faker Than Sh:t] Apple.

So now it’s “BJ’s Clubhouse,” which is still kinda dirty, though not as dirty as “Mr. Met’s Rest Stop At Mile 25″ or “Mr. Met’s Exotic Double-Wide Trailer Of Secrets.” It’s all about the families, because why would you overprice one fan when you can do it to four at the same time?

UPDATE: Fake. Damn. I’m gonna catch hell for this at the Mile 25 rest stop.