"To answer your question, yes, we have decided to stop being human."

Brothers B.J. and Justin Upton have always been good players. The trick, I guess, was for a club to figure out that they should play on the same team. That unlocks some sort of weird National Treasure scenario where the Uptons decipher a bunch of clues and become DEATH-BRINGING MONSTERS OF BASEBALL. Well, Justin, at least. But B.J. is getting there!

Case in point: The Upton brothers hit back-to-back home runs in last night’s game against the Colorado Rockies, bringing the Atlanta Braves to 15-5 on the season and causing a deluge of statistical footnotes, including

1. Justin Upton now leads the Major Leagues with 11 home runs.
2. Justin Upton has hit 11 home runs in April, setting a new Braves team record.
3. The Upton brothers are the first brother tandem to hit back-to-back homers in the Majors since Lloyd and Paul Waner did it for the Pirates back in 1938.
4. Justin Upton will not high-five you.

For more information on that last one, here are the clips. Back-to-back, natch.

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Jim Thome is now a Baltimore Oriole, and “Jim Thome trades” are between “Phillie Phanatic got injured” and “Kate Upton uploaded naked pictures of herself” on the list of important stories for me to cover. It’s just what I do.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, we’ve set up our first ever cross-site Dugout promotion. For part one of this Dugout, you’ll want to head over to Progressive Boink, the strip’s original home.

Like that, leave a comment, then head back over to read part two, which has fewer curse words but more overt references to The Wire. It’s fun for all, and I love my friends at P-Boi, so stick around over there and read some dumb stuff.

Anyway, Dugout, Thome, Orioles. After the jump.

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Baseball season is officially upon us, and that means only one thing — the return of The Dugout, the Internet’s longest running and most critically acclaimed webcomic about baseball players with pun screen names pretending to curse at each other over AIM. Yes, this is still a thing.

And to celebrate Major League Baseball splitting Opening Day up into like 40 smaller, less important games over the span of a month and at least one ceremony meant to humiliate Muhammad Ali, the normal Spring Training event we like to do has been replaced by Opening Days, a Dugout maxi-series that will span all 25 teams and let you find out what your favorite players are up to in 2012.

There are still only 25 teams, right? Well, 25 important ones. Or was that 5 important ones?

Anyway, whether it takes me a month or I’m still writing Opening Days segments into 2013, here’s episode one: The Tampa Bay Rays.

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BJ Upton did his best Scrappy Doo impression after teammate Evan Longoria got all up in his grill. Longoria felt that Upton didn’t give 110% when going after center field drive in yesterday’s 2-1 loss to the Diamondbacks. I haven’t seen an argument so heated since me and my buddy debated whether Wendy’s or McDonald’s had the better dollar menu. Obviously, it’s Wendy’s.

Rays center fielder B.J. Upton and All-Star third baseman Evan Longoria nearly came to blows in the dugout today after Longoria took Upton to task for pursuing a ball in what Longoria felt was a cavalier fashion.

After Arizona’s Rusty Ryal hit a ball into the gap between left and center field in the top of the fifth inning, Upton appeared to pursue it at less than full speed. Ryal motored to third for a triple, a key base to attain with just one out. Gerardo Parra rendered that somewhat moot by following with a two-run home run to provide the winning margin.

Between innings, Longoria approached Upton about the play and the two had several verbal exchanges. Teammates had to restrain Upton after Longoria walked away. –USAToday

Rays manager Joe Maddon said that Longoria’s actions represented a feeling that was shared with his teammates. The two must have had a pretty serious heart to heart, as both have said that beef has been squashed. The Rays HR department had Dick Vitale arbitrate the conflict resolution. “You guys are both awesome with a capital A! Let’s all be PTP-ers and have a calm discussion where we talk about our feelings! Evan, how did BJ’s play make you feel?” They should send Dickey V to the West Bank to find a peaceful resolution to that crisis. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »