By way of Prep Rally comes the least consequential moment of fastball-on-bird violence in baseball history.

Watch in squinting wonder as Springfield Sacred Heart-Griffin High School pitcher Ryne Elvers tries to shut down City Series rivals Springfield Southeast High at Lanphier Park with a fastball so fierce that were it to ever hypothetically strike an animal mid-flight, it would shred and splatter the poor thing in a pillow fight explosion like so much Randy Johnson. It would not have any reasonable chance of hitting a bird and having the bird just kinda keep going and be fine.

Cough.

Sophomore Ryne Elvers pitched 5 2/3 innings to get his third win in four decisions. Elvers also pulled a Randy Johnson when, while delivering an 0-1 pitch to Robbie Cooper in the fifth inning, Elvers plucked a bird in flight. The bird managed to fly off, minus some feathers.

“OOH! HIT DA BIRD” – concerned onlooker

Thank God he didn’t throw a change-up, it would’ve just landed on the bird’s back and flown away.

I believe these are African-American Greys.

America may have the best all-around animals in the world – Keyboard Cat, Lobster Dog, Birthday Dog, American Squirrel, and my dog Lilah, among others – but today we are featuring a pet from Spain that may give every animal in the world a run for the title of Coolest Pet Ever.

Meet Berritsu, a simple African Grey upon first glance, but he possesses perhaps every sports fan’s greatest wish – you know, aside from a live-in, large-breasted, bisexual, super model waitress. Berritsu can not only sing the fight song for his owner’s favorite football club, Athletic Club Bilbao, but he also cheers when players score and the team wins.

I actually had an African Grey when I was growing up and I trained it to celebrate every time the Miami Dolphins won a playoff game. Easiest trick ever.

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