Like most guys, I’m obsessed with gadgets and tech crap, and I’ll look for just about any reason in the world to buy something that’s new and has all the cool kids raving. I spent about 30 minutes reading up on the GoPro camera recently, trying to figure out if I had any reason in the world to buy one. I had no reason at all, it turns out.

I’m not active enough, unless people are dying to see me swim five laps in my pool or suck at golf, so it would just sit on my shelf and collect dust like my Harvard diplomas. And after watching the above video, I’m pretty sure that I’d be killed by a bear just by owning one.

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I hate the term “posterized”. Like “awesome” for good things and “ginger” for anyone with red hair, it’s become an easy catch-all term to describe every single dunk that happens. So Bismack Biyombo dunked. So what? Dude’s like 6-9, I don’t think the Costacos Brothers are rushing to put dress him like the German Kriegsmarine for a SINKING OF THE BISMACK poster. If the NBA printed a poster for every posterization we’d be living in the world of the Lorax.

What I’m getting at is that Tim Duncan didn’t “posterize” the Birdman during Sunday’s Nuggets/Spurs game … he novelized him. It starts with exposition (“this is a basketball game, Chris Andersen is trying to play defense on contextual grandpa Tim Duncan), continues on through to the rising action (“Tim Duncan hits Birdman in the face with a basketball”) toward a logical climax (“lol, he just got hit in the face with a ball AND dunked on”). The falling action could literally be Duncan coming down after the dunk, and the resolution is that the entire Internet can laugh about how pathetic he made a guy look.

The moment has been captured in glorious animated gif form below, courtesy of SBN by way of CJZero.com.

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EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND READ THIS EXCHANGE FROM A SLAM MAGAZINE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS “BIRDMAN” ANDERSEN:

SLAM: A lot of NBA guys have been playing in streetball games this summer. Not you. Why? What have you been up to instead?

CHRIS ANDERSEN: I’m actually from the woods down in Texas. I’ve been training and whatnot about basketball, but also I’m trying to start a hunting show right now. So I’m out in the woods with Converse.

SLAM: A hunting show?

CHRIS ANDERSEN: It’s gonna be called “Willie B and the Good Ole Boys.” Basically with all my friends I grew up with down in Texas, and it’s going to be celebrity rednecks that do crazy, dumb stuff…hopefully I get sponsored by Converse.

I can’t even BEGIN to explain to you how much I want to watch this show. I don’t know if the people at Converse are big With Leather readers, but on the off chance they are, allow me to make this plea: You do this, Converse. You do this NOW. You greenlight five seasons, at minimum. We have the opportunity to see a 7-foot-tall professional basketball player slash crazy person — who once missed like a dozen consecutive dunks at the Slam Dunk Contest — hunting in the woods with (and I quote) “celebrity rednecks.” Do you know what my favorite part of that last sentence is? EVERY SINGLE WORD IN IT. The only way it could have been improved is if I had somehow been able to work in the phrase “with his sidekick Rafer Alston.” Yes, you make this show immediately and you ship screeners directly to me via first class mail.

After the jump, a three-minute highlight video of Birdman blocking shots set to “Butterfly” by Crazytown, which is the perfect accompaniment in its own little terrible way.

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