Bill Walton (R) with UPROXX's own Vince Mancini

Yesterday, Deadspin reported that ESPN’s golden child and father of Grantland, Bill Simmons, had been unusually silent on Twitter for the past two days, and it turned out that the Worldwide Leader has placed a gag order on him after he criticized First Take’s horrible debate segment between Skip Bayless and Seattle Seahawks DB Richard Sherman. Simmons was arguably correct in saying that the whole thing was embarrassing for everyone involved, but that didn’t stop ESPN from laying the hammer of internal justice upon its most celebrated employee.

The reaction was interesting, in that a lot of people who haven’t liked Simmons for years were all like, “Oh snap, original Sports Guy back???” But I’m going to try to put the basic thought process into terms that Simmons fans might better understand. You know when your best friend starts dating a really hot girl but there’s more than meets the eye to her – like when Valerie Malone showed up on 90210 and started dating, well, everyone, right? – and when there’s finally a struggle between the two, you hope that your friend is going to see the light and dump her sorry ass. But then even when she leaves, he replaces her with Gina Kincaid and you’re like, “This guy just won’t ever learn.”

That’s what I took away from the bulk of reaction to Simmons’ hush-hush yesterday. But you want to know how Bill Walton took it? He took it as, “F*ck it, bros, I’mma say whatever the f*ck I want!”

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Athletes with gigantic personalities should have public catfights way more often.  When Bill Walton basically called Shaquille O'Neal a goldbricker for riding the bench in Miami ("I've seen a lot of spinals, dude"), I didn't think it could get any better than Walton saying, "Shaq's arrogance is an insult to people who think."

But, as we may or may not learn when Shaq takes the court with the Suns, it's best not to count the Big Aristotle out of any contest.  His retort isn't necessarily spirited or even rational, but I certainly enjoy his citation of Big Man Pecking Order Code Ordinance 2257.   Not to be confused with Ordinance 2258, which rules that Ralph Sampson may not sleep with a woman until Wilt Chamberlain has turned her down or had sex with her.

[FanHaus] 

Just to make sure I haven't unfairly libeled Luke Walton as a diseased slummer, I should point out that he's denying any involvement with Little Miss Trainwreck:

Walton stressed that he has never even spoken to [freakshow Britney] Spears, who has attended several Lakers games this season.

"The rumors aren't true," Walton said. "I'm sure Britney is a great person, but I don't even know her. I have a girlfriend. I'm very happy with my relationship.

Has his famous father, Bill, called to ask about the rumors?

"No," Walton said, "my dad probably thinks it's true."

But that's what a couple decades of psychedelic drug use can do to you: anything seems possible… Well, except for that defensive effort by Robert Horry, which was terrible! He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score!