"AND NOW... FROM HARVARD... BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARACK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOBAM-AAAAAAAA!"

I’m a part-time sports blogger and dick-joke-maker, so of course I hate Bill Simmons. I hate him because he paved the road for all of us to do what we do, and I hate him because he gets paid a fortune to do it. I hate him because he has access to so many athletes and celebrities, and I hate him because he has an army of followers who would mindlessly take bullets for him. I hate him because he gets to be the world’s biggest Boston homer, and I hate him because people can call him on his shit opinions and nobody cares in the long run.

So of course I hate him, too, for getting to interview Barack Obama about sports. Yesterday, Twitter blew up with us sportsy types bitching about Simmons not asking the tough questions, but with all my hate comes a certain level of expectations, and the thing that Sports Guy has built his career on is indifference. He wants to talk about 90210 and his dad, so should we expect him to ask why gas is $4 a gallon? No.

With that, when are the Chicago Bulls gonna win a damn championship, Barry?

“I’m not worried,” Obama said during their conversation from the White House. “If you look at what has been happening with the Bulls, even with [Derrick] Rose out, even with [Luol] Deng out, they’ve still got one of the best records in the league. That is a well-coached team.”

“It hasn’t happened, but it will happen,” Obama said. “Somewhere along the line, my Bulls are going to come through.” (Via HuffPo)

Obama also said that the Bulls are going to win while he’s in office, so I’m going to go with three punchlines here to hopefully please everyone:

For Republicans: “Yeah? Well they better win this year, bud.”

For Democrats: “If they don’t win this year, they’ve still got 4 more seasons.”

For Mayans: “Dudes, we’re serious.”

(Image via the AP.)

David Stern took a break from planning his 2-week vacation that sadly never happened to talk to everyone’s favorite self-anointed basketball expert, Bill Simmons, on his podcast last week. You can bet that The Sports Guy took his gloves off and offered the perfect solution for the lockout that would not only satisfy both the players and the owners, but would also allow for a 17-team deal that would fix every team’s budgets and put Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, and Kevin Love in Boston Celtics uniforms for the next 10 years.

But you’d be wrong. Instead, Stern did what he does best – he said all the right things. Stern even mentioned that he’d be willing to contract some teams, which, as Newsday points out, is remarkable for a commissioner to admit.

“In fact, when you talk about revenue sharing, a number of teams have said that if you have a team that is perpetually going to be a recipient, aren’t you better off with the ability to buy them in? Because between the revenue sharing and the split of international and the TV money, we could almost buy them in with their own money.”

It sounds sincere, until the most obvious candidate for contraction, the struggling New Orleans Hornets franchise, is mentioned. Stern quickly dismisses the notion by saying the Hornets are “going to be an interesting team that I’m not sure is a candidate for contraction.”

Indeed the Hornets are interesting, because they can be moved to another city without any concern for public outcry or backlash. But we’re getting pretty far ahead of ourselves, since, you know, there ISN’T GOING TO BE A SEASON. Sorry, my caps lock got stuck.

As I pointed out last week, the NBA and the players union agreed to have 3 meetings this month. The first took place on August 2 and the next meeting was supposed to be held last week. But then Stern told the media that the players union canceled the meeting, which it didn’t, and the NBA told the players union that Stern was unavailable for two weeks, which he wasn’t.

We know that union leader Bill Hunter tried to contact Stern, but Stern was on vacation. Now Stern’s office told Newsday that Stern was in his office, waiting for the players to call and reschedule. This is getting f*cking ridiculous.

Stern pointed to Labor Day weekend — how fitting — as a key period in the collective bargaining process. The sides haven’t met since Aug. 2 in New York and Stern accused the union of cancelling a meeting last week. The union responded that executive director Billy Hunter was told Stern would not be available for the next two weeks. A union official told me the word was that Stern was taking vacation, but an NBA spokesman said Stern was in his office on Monday and even if he did have a vacation scheduled, he could easily return for a collective bargaining session.

By rescheduling these initial meetings into September, the league is risking at least the preseason. Big whoop, right? But young players like Earl Clark have already resigned to the fact that there will be no season, as he signed a 1-year deal with a team in China, and his contract has a no-out clause for the NBA season. More players have upped their contact with Chinese and European teams and will begin signing their contracts soon, too.

But hey, at least we still have the WNBA.

Last month, I introduced you to Celebrity Guest Dugout Week, a week full of Dugouts written by the biggest and brightest names in sports journalism. Well, there ended up only being one, by Bill Simmons of Grantland.com.

I was disappointed in the turnout (Peter Gammons didn’t return my calls, the guy who runs Bleacher Report just snail mailed me a box of crayon drawings and Spiffy Sean Styles of Lethal Entertainment is horrible), so I called Simmons up and asked him to find me another guest writer. After a four hour phone conversation wherein he compared his wife and kids to Kevin McHale, we found our next author — American poet and novelist Charles Bukowski. His unique brand of transgressive fiction and dirty realism is perfect for my webcomic about baseball players cursing, and here we are.

Today’s Dugout follows. People are finally going to start taking us seriously.

[editors note: Today's Dugout is actually guest written by a good friend of mine, Mr. William Hanstock of Progressive Boink and Baseball Feelings fame. Be sure to follow him on Twitter, or at least let him know what you think.]

[secondary editor's note: Today's Dugout about how nobody talks about the Angels was written before the Angels decided to pitch a g.d. no hitter.]

The Dugout

	SportsGuy33:Hello, Grantlandians!1 I’m more excited than Teen Wolf’s best friend Styles when he found out that Teen Wolf wasn’t a homo! I’m more nervous than Johnny in the Karate Kid when he was asked to sweep the leg!	1. I’ve been toying around with a cool, inclusionary nickname for all our faithful readers. Something that would look real neat on the back of a satin jacket. Keep an eye peeled for the Grantland ShopZone, opening soon.
	SportsGuy33: As you all know, we here at Grantland are dedicated to presenting the finest in contemporary literature. That’s why we staff the finest and most lauded authors of our generation, like the guy who investigates pop statistics, or the guy who likes ladies and music!
	SportsGuy33: So today, we’re pleased as Michael Keaton punching Martin Mull at the end of “Mr. Mom” to bring you one of the greatest authors of ANY generation! He’s one of my greatest inpirations as a writer2, and I couldn’t be prouder to present to you, Grantland’s newest guest author, the incomparable Charles Bukowski!	2. I feel like his influence in my work can be felt most strongly in my articles “The Top 10 Wrestling Entrances of All Time” and “How Hockey is Not as Cool as Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”
	**Online Host** RhymesWithPuke has entered the chatroom.
	RhymesWithPuke: Me and Carol went to see the Angels play back in the old days when they used to play at Wrigley Field. we came all the way out from San Pedro. And we were drinking that stuff, boy. that good old stuff and stepping around the puke and the hot dog wrappers. I thought, if Carol wasn’t here I’d be down at Santa Anita placing bets. relying on good, strong intuition. I felt more sure the superfecta in a late race than I did about the Angels being able to swing a summer day game. too much left to chance.
	**Online Host** The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have entered the chatroom.
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: Is…is someone writing about the Angels?
	DiscreetCharmoftheBourjos: Oh, wow! And on a big-time national website thing, too!
	GreasersAndScoscia: We haven’t seen pub like this since we choked all those times in the playoffs!
	BobbyFish: Holy moly! Is this really happening, Mister Coach Scoscia?
	GreasersAndScoscia: Shhhh, pay attention, kid. This is one of America’s greatest voices…and he’s talking about us!
	BobbyFish: Golly!
	RhymesWithPuke: I took in a spring training game years later with those same rotten Angels playing up at Chavez Ravine. a blistering afternoon spent in the company of a pair of cold beers
	DiscreetCharmoftheBourjos: What prose!
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: Nothing like fine, literary musings on ours, the most beautiful of sports.
	BobbyFish: /awestruck
	RhymesWithPuke: I was only able to catch the first inning before the sickness overwhelmed me. my guts clenched up tight and I ran to the bathroom. “God o mighty!” I shoved slow-moving businessmen out of my way. I dropped to my knees in the first empty stall and unloaded my guts. “Jesus, what a mess!” I wiped my brow and had maybe thirty seconds of peace before my guts clenched back up in a different but familiar way and the whiskey sh*ts set in.
	GreasersAndScoscia: Uh…
	DiscreetCharmoftheBourjos: Well, that was…hm.
	BobbyFish: Wow! Real poetry! What’s a “whiskey sh*ts” Mister Wells?
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: That’s a bad word, Michael, and I don’t want to hear you using it around the clubhouse.
	BobbyFish: /claps hands to mouth
	RhymesWithPuke: watching baseball on the tube while some old lady jaws in my ear. “You’re good for nothing! I can’t even use what you’ve got after you’ve had a few drinks in you!” Listen, baby. I’m not trying to hear about that all I care about is the score of the game. trying to figure out if the Angels beat the Yanks. But here she comes again, yelling and hollering. so I shove her out of bed and she lands on the floor on her fat ass. and just my luck, it gets her all riled up. and here she comes again for this big thing I’ve got so I give it to her just so she’ll shut up and leave me alone
	GreasersAndScoscia: /gasps /covers BobbyFish’s ears
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: Can’t believe you, skip. Exposing the boy to all this smut.
	GreasersAndScoscia: Hey, I…I didn’t…
	LoveHerandWeaver: LOL this dude’s f**ken crazy. Reminds me of my great-uncle from San Bernardino. Give us some more of that poetry sh*t bro. /lights cigarette /revs El Camino
	RhymesWithPuke: baseball and women have a lot in common.
	LoveHerandWeaver: haha yeah okay I’m listening
	RhymesWithPuke: you enjoy yourself more with each drink. but the only thing they care about is whether your d*ck can get hard.
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: Terrible.
	DiscreetCharmoftheBourjos: how is that even an analogy
	LoveHerandWeaver: WOOOOOOOO this guy knows what I’m talking about /hoists bottle of Corona
	BobbyFish: /bursts into tears
	DiscreetCharmoftheBourjos: Maybe…maybe we should go, skip.
	BobbyFish: He used the bad word for tallywhacker! /sniffles
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: I’m ashamed of you, coach. You oughta know better
	GreasersAndScoscia: B-b-b-but I…
	WhatchuTalkinBoutWells: /shakes head
	**Online Host** The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have left the chatroom.
	RhymesWithPuke: I put my head down next to the typer. my guts are rotten with booze. I close my eyes and think about the green grass of a baseball field, endless afternoons of my childhood. when the sound of the bat on the ball was heaven on earth.
	RhymesWithPuke: I wake up at ten o’clock and take a satisfying beer sh*t. Jane will be here soon and she’ll want me to give it to her.
	LoveHerandWeaver: haha man chuck klosterman has gotten a lot better

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

“meh, she’s just alright” – The Internet

Sports

Kate Upton is Good At Commercials - I’m pretty happy that the hottest woman ever’s first real moment of celebrity was posing in Sports Illustrated, which has a big SPORTS on the cover, which means I can post her here all I want and it counts as sports. Extra points for SoBe’s callous use of “Teach Me How To Dougie” in a post-M-Bone world. [Warming Glow]

Bill Simmons is God of Hollywood - KSK gives the Sport’s Guy’s recent manifesto about Ryan Reynolds the Fire Joe Morgan treatment, which essentially makes it the longest thing ever written on the Internet. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Here’s a Picture of Derek Jeter’s Balls - I’m happy we made it through over 100 years of baseball before the Internet showed up and made that “balls = testicles” joke so omnipresent. Trufax: I don’t want to look at either interpretation of Jeter’s balls. [Smoking Section]

Bo. Source: Bo. - Two consecutive days of Bo coverage! Tomorrow is a statistical breakdown of how and why Ronnie Lott was the MVP of Tecmo Bowl and not Bo. [SBN]

Not Sports

The Craziest (and Coolest) Celebrity Items Ever Listed and Purchased at Auctions - Including a tissue snotted into by Scarlett Johansson, which replaces “Traci Brooks’ Ring-Worn Bra” as things I would probably buy but won’t, and won’t tell anyone about. [Uproxx]

The First Two Minutes of Bioshock Infinite’s E3 Demo - As cool as this looks, I feel like nothing’s going to ever be as great as that first time you play through the first Bioshock. I don’t want weapons upgrades, I want references to wordy-ass literature! [Gamma Squad]

Three Countries Hate Captain America - I also would’ve accepted the headline “several countries including America hate Chris Evans”. Seriously, why do they keep casting handsome Hollywood comic relief guys as my gritty Golden Age superheroes? The Dark Knight Returns, starring Bradley Cooper as Batman! [Film Drunk]

Casey Anthony Party Photos - Girls who look like Kristen Wiig and probably murdered a baby #cangetit [EgoTV]

Today on With Leather: I wanted to call it “Celebrity Dugout Week!” or “Guest Dugout Week!” but I’m always swamped on Mondays, and I’m not sure how many readers would buy Wednesday to Tuesday as a legitimate theme week. Anyway, welcome to Celebrity Guest Dugout Week!

Today’s comic is by “That Sports Guy!” Bill Simmons, of ESPN and Grantland.com fame. Simmons is an incredible talent and the only person in the history of sports journalism to have seen movies or watched TV shows. Can you imagine Peter Gammons dropping “I Love Lucy” references into his columns? “Vlad Guerrero hacked at the ball like Ethel Mertz desperately stuffing chocolates into her mouth to keep the chocolate factory from firing her.” It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for anybody else!

Enjoy the strip, which we hope to be the first of many. The first of many, or the first part of one really, really long one.

The Dugout

	SportsGuy33: derek jeter is exactly like the los angeles lakers, because
	SportsGuy33: /deletes everything, starts over
	SportsGuy33: Watching Derek Jeter lumber toward 3,000 hits is like watching Rocky Balboa being punched in the streets by Tommy Gunn, head bleeding, the ghosts (were they ghosts?) of Ivan Drago and Mickey telling him "[he] ain’t heard no bell".
	SportsGuy33: /deletes everything, starts over1	1.I didn’t really delete everything and start over, it’s a joke, The column hasn’t gone full "Sports Guy is the Baltimore Orioles" yet.
	SportsGuy33: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was Derek Jeter’s first hit in the Major Leagues. It was May 30, 1995, in Seattle. I was 38 years old. I’d gotten tickets to the Kingdome from my good friend Scooter, who still holds a grudge against me to this day. "Ted DiBiase should’ve won the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania 42!" he’d say. "You’re right," I’d retort, in my usual way. "Ted DiBiase wrestled Macho Man Randy Savage for the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania 4." He’d steam, then walk away. I wish I’d walked away, too.	2.Of the 14 "grapplers" in the Wrestlemania 4 tournament, only 9 are still alive. This has almost nothing to do with it happening 25 years ago.
	SportsGuy33: There were only 10,709 fans in the Kingdome that day, 10,710 if you count me twice. Or, if you count my body as one as my head as another. "I’m anxious to see the way he handles himself in the clubhouse up here," said Buck Showalter, who I hate almost as much as Eddie Kasko. Jeter handled himself. There’s a joke in that sentence, and if I can fit 20,000 words into this chatroom window I will explain it. Jeter stepped into the batting box, his uniform looser than normal, summer still eating away at him like he was a turnbuckle and George "The Animal" Steele (wrestler) was the summer — he had no idea how many babes he’d nail in the years to come. Alex Rodriguez wasn’t even born. He roped a fifth-inning single against Mariners starter Tim Belcher (who’d already lived for 35 years with the indignity of the name "Belcher"3 … as if he was the only man alive who could stomach the burden of Jeter’s encroaching, dignified indignity).	3.He was better than the alternative: Bob Farter!
	SportsGuy33: I remember Larry Bird’s first shot as a Boston Celtic more than I remember Jeter’s first hit, although I’ve talked about it here at length. Now that I’ve mentioned Larry Bird — who skipped the Pinky Higginses and Johnny Peskys of basketball and went straight to being Terry Francona-
	**Online Host** KlosterPhobic has entered the chatroom.
	KlosterPhobic: Lol hey man what’s up
	SportsGuy33: Hey man not much, just bein’ the everyman, hanging out with my wife and kid have I ever mentioned to you that I have a wife and a kid
	KlosterPhobic: look hey sorry to interrupt your Sincere Internet Literature™, but do you remember the ninja turtles
	SportsGuy33: I’m not sure?4	4.Of course I do.
	KlosterPhobic: who do you think would win in a fight, the Ninja Turtles or the Trix Rabbit, would you rather watch the Ninja Turtles fight the Trix Rabbit or be stuck on a deserted island with them all
	SportsGuy33: heh!
	KlosterPhobic: ok, gotta go
	**Online Host** KlosterPhobic has left the chatroom. 5	5.People think I got these footnotes from David Foster Wallace, but I actually stole them from Dave Barry.
	SportsGuy33: Okay, so, where was I?
	JetersNeverProsper6: You were trying to say I’m about to get 3,000 hits, but you were taking forever to say it.	6.Derek Jeter’s first appearance in a regular Dugout strip was in October 2004′s Welcome to Singles Chat. In it, writer Nick Dallamora suggested Jeter was gay. Why? We may never know.
	SportsGuy33: that doesn’t sound like me.
	JetersNeverProsper: Why don’t you just say "Derek Jeter is about to get 3,000 hits" and add a little good natured levity to it, it’s not that important, you don’t have to say a lot
	SportsGuy33: So I talked this Dugout over with some of the guys at ESPN2, and this is what we’ve got: a. Derek Jeter getting the Stone Cold Stunner from Hulk Hogan at Wrestling Mania, in front of a capacity crowd, and I’m there to see it
	JetersNeverProsper: argh, no
	SportsGuy33: b. Derek Jeter stands too close to whatever the baseball sideline reporter equivalent is to Erin Andrews and goes on the DL; calls up his roommate Bill Simmons, who gives up his Clippers season tickets to put on Jeter’s jersey and fills in for a game, or several.
	JetersNeverProsper: aren’t you a Red Sox fan?
	SportsGuy33: Sure, but in this scenario you’re in first place, so I like you more
	SportsGuy33: C. Have you ever seen Karate Kid
	JetersNeverProsper: is that really its own letter
	JetersNeverProsper: yes?
	SportsGuy33: Johnny Lawrence shows no mercy and sweeps Derek Jeter’s leg (quotes from the film) just before he gets to 3,000 hits. I compare it to Roberto Clemente, but only a little, because it is actually more like the Karate Kid
	JetersNeverProsper: just try saying "derek jeter is close to 3,000 hits"
	SportsGuy33: what, why, who would want to read that, I’m the lovechild of Toni Morrison and Chris Berman, if I don’t write longform who will mistake me for Wordsworth Longfellow
	JetersNeverProsper: just try
	SportsGuy33: uh, well, okay /clears throat, doesn’t make voice any deeper
	SportsGuy33: "Derek Jeter is getting close to 3,000 hits7."	7.It was a dark and stormy night at Yankee Stadium. The Red Sox were in first place — I made sure to check ESPN.go.com/mlb/standings before accepting front row seats. I remember my Dad watching Jeter swing the bat earlier this season. "He just doesn’t have it this year." We changed it back over to the hockey game, which we watched, unless hockey season is over now. I sat in the front row, beside my wife and Koko B. Ware, wondering if even Steve Urkel would’ve requested the cheese from Yankee Stadium nachos, and that’s when it happened: Jeter swung his arms around, bending at the elbows, following through, falling toward first base, wearing shoes, and the ball blooped into the outfield. It was a hit. It was his 3,000th hit. I decided to write up a column about it, thinking to myself "Jeter is a new player. Who IS this guy?" I asked Chuck Klosterman what kind of angle I should take, and he suggested me asking people to consider hypothetically if Derek Jeter’s single had been literal magic, and if this was better or worse than breaking your soulmate’s collarbone every four hours. I couldn’t decide. I asked my wife and kid. They didn’t know. With a tear in my eye, I called up my Dad. "Jeter’s a new man," I said. "I like the Boston Red Sox, but he’s so good, I might have to like him too." My Dad chuckled. "The Red Sox are gonna lose every game this season." They won every game in 2011. My Dad died that afternoon.
	JetersNeverProsper: see, that wasn’t so bad, was it
	SportsGuy33: No, that was awesome.

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

Bill Simmons is the Editor in Chief of Grantland and the author of the recent New York Times No. 1 best-seller The Book of Basketball, now out in paperback with new material and a revised Hall of Fame Pyramid. He did not actually write any of this. This is all in fun, and he is more beloved and successful than I will ever be. Follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/sportsguy33 and check out his new home on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/billsimmons.

In case you haven’t read about it, that Tweet above has Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall in a little hot water this week. Of course it doesn’t help that there is no other NFL news to discuss right now, but most people generally see the death of Osama Bin Laden as an accomplishment and closed book for the United States, particularly for the families of American soldiers and the victims of 9/11.

People were naturally going to have dissenting views about Bin Laden’s death, so this is less than surprising. What is surprising is that Mendenhall continued to defend himself on his Twitter, egging on the responses of rage, scowls from the media and even the shame of his team’s owner. Mendenhall maintains his point that he is an American and is protected by freedom of speech. His critics say he could have just kept his mouth shut. Either way, he finally deleted the controversial Tweets.

There’s a reason that we haven’t mentioned this story until now – why bother? A lot of other people just want to embrace the idea that something great happened. So I threw together this collection of Tweets from professional athletes and some of the more famous talking heads in sports with their thoughts and feelings about the death of one of the greatest villains the world has ever known.

While it’s not nearly as enticing as adult film starlets responding to this historic event, I still appreciate when our athletes and talking heads prove that they’re not entirely robotic.

Another controversial Tweet, but it has received far less attention that Mendenhall’s.

Here’s the link to the picture he was Tweeting about.

Referring to this article about Navy SEALS.

Referring to his Facebook status for elaboration.

Not sure why he Tweeted at himself.

Make sure you square up and get a big hunk of boob, soldiers.

I feel it’s only fair that Andy have his wife, Brooklyn Decker, match Erin’s offer.

That’s a speculative claim, of course. I was surprised I didn’t find any athletes Tweeting that fake Martin Luther King, Jr. quote. That’s not to say it didn’t happen, though.

Deal!

He also said that Obama DID THE DAMN THING, but I liked this Tweet, too.

He also knew before we did because he’s the Scorpion King Tooth Fairy.

Exactly how I would have imagined a Peter King Tweet about Osama’s death.

Not at all how I would have imagined a Tweet from Ozzie Guillen.

I think this is referring to Osama’s death. He may just love Miley Cyrus.

I did not see a response Tweet from Grant Hill.

Just kidding!

And I couldn’t pick just one.

The Sacramento Kings must be nervous about the emotional maturity of their first round draft pick, DeMarcus Cousins, because there’s no other reason the franchise would hire Cousins’ high school coach, Otis Hughley. Cousins, the fifth overall pick in this year’s draft, is like a 10 year old in a giant 10 year old’s body, so hiring someone to serve as an authority figure is a good idea. Better to be safe than sorry, and in this case, sorry is having the second coming of Eddy Curry.

Cousins was the No. 1 pick by the Kings and Hughley coached him at Mobile (Ala.) LeFlore High.

“Otis has a wealth of experience working with young players and is ready to jump to the NBA,” said coach Paul Westphal. –USA Today

The Kings are hoping that Hughley can be the Bizzaro Don King. Here’s a tip, Sacramento management, when DeMarcus starts dressing like JaMarcus Russell cut him. At which point, you should hire me to run the team, because I know everything about basketball. I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you I was Bill Simmons.

Syracuse won that game, by the way

“First pitch got me right in the rib area,” Vitale told Fox Sports’ Todd Kalas. “(It was the) first time I’ve ever had a line drive in 11 years come into this box since I’ve been here. And I’m going to tell you, man, it came like a bullet, and I was really worried. But fortunately, I feel fine.” –USAToday

Video of said shellacking after the jump.

A nice example of Dickey V showing some know how and elbow grease. No bitching about the refs, and good fundamentals. He could have played for Coach K, his career was just like Christian Laettner’s. Pretty good in college, terrible in the pros. Joe Madden and Rocco Baldelli thought he showed some chutzpah, so they gave Vitale a metaphorical ass slap for good hustle.

Tampa Bay lost, 3-2, but that didn’t keep Rays skipper Joe Maddon from joking around with one of his team’s biggest fans.

“We offered to send over a glove,” said Maddon. “That was obviously a little too late.”

The Rays did, however, give Vitale something to put on his mantel. According to the St. Petersburg Times, Maddon and coach Rocco Baldelli signed a ball for him. It reads “Dick, keep your eyes on the field. Ha. You’re always our favorite. All the best.” –NYDailyNews

Some asshat programming director at ESPN better not think to put Dick Vitale in the boradcast booth for one of Stephen Strasburg’s starts. The over-under for times he’d refer to Strasburg a “PTP-er,” or “awesome with a capital A, baby” would have to be at least 50.5. Bill Simmons would be torn between that and The Real World Road Rules Challenge, or whatever the hell they call that show now. What am I saying? The man must be a millionaire if he owns Clippers season tickets. He probably watches them at the same time on 3D TVs.

Corolla’s podcast, which was spawned after his nationwide radio talk show was canceled, might be Numero Uno on the internet, iTunes, and anywhere else. So you can imagine his surprise when he was told that ESPN would not allow its staple web writer, Bill Simmons, to make an appearance on Corolla’s show.

CAROLLA: Let me just say a little something to the retards who call themselves bosses over there, because we live in a f`cking time where everyone does that, “good call, good call, good call.” You’re running a f`cking business. This is one of the most popular podcasts on the Internet. Your two clients — Bill Simmons does a podcast, popular, probably not as a popular as this podcast but very popular, and Dave Dameshek does a podcast as well, not nearly as popular as Bill Simmons’, but he still does a podcast. Now, you guys generate income via those podcasts. We share the same audience, essentially. White guys who don’t have delicate sensibilities who are in their 30s and like to play fantasy football.

TERESA: There’s no white guy in his 30s who does not read Bill Simmons.

STOP. I don’t know who “Teresa” is, but there are PLENTY of people that either don’t care about Simmons or have given up on his Boston-centric sports ramblings. Because Simmons, whose writing DID admittedly pave the way for other media outlets like this one, has shut himself off from the outside world. Some people still read him all the time. Great. But he is not this all-encompassing figure in sportswriting. Dude peaked. Bill Simmons is too busy being Bill Simmons now, and while that’s not a bad place to be, Teresa Strasser, Carolla, and their circle o’friends need to wake up and realize that, yeah, we don’t really care.

Turns out Simmons wasn’t banned from the show after all. Either way, Craggs transcribed the Corolla rant in full, which is worth reading for the “retard chicken p`ssy coward” alone. That’s amazing, really, because that’s exactly what I had planned for dinner tonight. Maybe the podcasts are catching on…

Satisfying the demands of at least one person, a game of H-O-R-S-E has been added to the NBA’s All-Star Weekend in Phoenix.

TNT today announced the addition of the popular basketball shot-making game H-O-R-S-E to its programming lineup during its four days of NBA All-Star 2009 coverage… The H-O-R-S-E game will air live during TNT’s two-hour Inside the NBA (5 – 7 p.m. ET) on Saturday, February 14.

Honestly, this news would barely register with me if I hadn’t read Bill Simmons’s constant demands for such a game over the years.  I’m sure he’ll approach this triumph with modesty and deflect any and all attention away from himself.  Except, um, the exact opposite of that.