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Feminist Jay-Z Is In A Respectful State Of Mind - I appreciate what Jay is trying to do and don’t think we should make fun of it, but Sweet Cooch Brown having the “bombest personality in town” is really funny. P.S. why didn’t you start respecting women when you met your wife? [UPROXX]

NBA Laboratory: Can LeBron Do It All By Himself? - More entertaining and thematically accurate than anything LeBron has done in real life. Robert Awful would be proud. [SB Nation]

Summer Roberts Will Rock Your Pap Smear - I don’t care how pretty Rachel Bilson is (and she’s extremely pretty), being Zach Braff’s worst movie girlfriend and spending 15 years on White People Problems The Show isn’t a cool way to convince me you’re good at things. You’d have less haters if anything you did was good, ever. [Warming Glow]

The Awesome Terminator And Transformers Cosplay Of Peter Kokis - This guy’s thought process is great. “Oh wow, cool, giant robots. I need to DRESS LIKE THEM.” [Gamma Squad]

My 5 Favorite Rapper Cameos On “Chappelle’s Show” - Mos Def is the best rapper cameo on anything, but that could be my undying love for Def Poetry showing. [Smoking Section]

Frotcast 83: Wahlberg-gate, Carnage, & Theater Stories with Comedian Matt Louv - Hey Mark Wahlberg, I wouldn’t masturbate either if I got to meat-kiss teenage Reese Witherspoon in the 90s. Put your life into perspective. COME ON COME ON. [Film Drunk]

Valentine’s Day Advisory: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag - I need to start using that dismissive wank gif. Just all the time, post stories about the Kardashians or Bieber dunking on Shaq or Baron Davis or almost anyone that brings page traffic and it’s nothing but the wanking gif. [KSK]

35 Unforgivable Facebook Statuses - Some of these took my breath away. I didn’t know a Facebook status could make you facepalm in real life. [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest Twitter Reactions To Rick Perry’s Exit - The best reaction to Rick Perry’s exit is smiling and loving yourself, because you aren’t the kind of person who supports Rick Perry and live in a world where he doesn’t get to be President. Eat a dick, Rick Perry. [HuffPost Comedy]

7 Eerily Accurate Rob Lowe Tweets - He is, literally, God here. [The FW]

Ever Wonder What Snooki Would Look Like Without Makeup? - I think she looks way, way better. Huge upgrade. She looks her age, and doesn’t look like something from Ghoulies. [FARK]

Enjoy the Awesome Introduction Video for the O’Neill Girls 2012 Surf Team - I will! [Brobible]

Former Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle and 11-season NFL veteran Orlando “Zeus” Brown was found dead in his Baltimore home today at the age of 40, and nobody is quite sure why. Via CBS News:

Fire spokesman Battalion Chief Kevin Cartwright said firefighters were called about 11 a.m. Friday because Brown was unresponsive at his home near the Inner Harbor. Cartwright said Brown was dead when firefighters arrived. Police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said firefighters called police, routine procedure in such cases. He said there were no signs of trauma or suspicious activity.

The Ravens learned of Brown’s death during practice.

“We send our condolences to the family of Orlando Brown,” Ravens coach John Harbaugh said. “Everybody knew what he meant to this organization. We’re forever grateful for what he did for the present team. We can’t express enough sorrow for his loss.”

Brown has a lot of interesting notes about his NFL career — he’s one of only two players to have played for both the pre- and post-Baltimore Ravens versions of the Cleveland Browns and is most famous for accidentally hit in the eye by a penalty marker weighted with BBs thrown by referee Jeff Triplette during a game in 1999 and having to sit for three seasons because of it. He settled with the NFL for a reported amount of $25 million and started up the first Fatburger franchise in Maryland. The fact that I can keep going with this should tell you how interesting of a guy he was, and how shocked his friends and family are that he’s suddenly gone.

Bill Belichick, the man who signed Brown, coached him for three seasons in Cleveland and probably thought dressing as a rollerskating pirate as the only thing he was going to do on the Internet today, released a statement through the Patriots moments ago.

“I am extremely shocked and saddened to hear the news about Orlando Brown. Orlando improved as a player as much as anyone I have ever seen, as he went from being a defensive lineman at South Carolina State to becoming one of the game’s top offensive tackles, when he sustained his unfortunate eye injury. Orlando was a true throwback player who loved football and was as tough as they come. Without question, Orlando was an integral part of the Browns turnaround during the mid ’90s and he will be missed. I offer my deepest condolences to the Brown family.”

If you missed the last five minutes of last night’s game between the Colts and Patriots–which is not a rivalry but a fine matchup nonetheless–you saw Bill Belichick instantly shed the label of “coaching genius” when he sent his offense back out onto the field for a 4th and 2 play from his own 28 yard line. With a six-point lead, Tom Brady threw a screen pass to Kevin Faulk, who bobbled the ball in front of the chains, completed the catch, and was knocked backwards by the Colts’ defense. The ball was spotted short of the first down just before the 2-minute warning, and the Patriots, having used two timeouts on their very short drive, could not challenge the call. Peyton drives the Colts down the short field for a Reggie Wayne TD catch, and the extra point seals a 35-34 Colts win.

There’s only so many ways to say “insane.” Belichick didn’t seem confident after the failed 3rd and 2 pass that he was planning to go for it all along. Who throws it when (a) you need two plays for two yards, and (b) you’re trying to kill the clock, even if Tom Brady is your quarterback?

Was Belichick so immersed in his own excellence that he just assumed he could get the two yards? Or was he so convinced that Peyton Manning was going to beat him anyway? Of course, if Belichick gets his two yards, we’re not having this discussion, but that still doesn’t mean it wasn’t the dumbest call ever.

I’ve spent all day trying to come up with a SpyGate joke for Bill Belichick inexplicably on stage singing Dead or Alive with Bon Jovi at some benefit in this undated video. And I got nuthin’. Charlie Weis, on the other hand…he’s no Ruben Studdard, that much is clear. I love how they do the White People’s “Let’s Go” Clap to try and get the audience into it. I keep waiting for a pickup truck to roll onto the stage with some voiceover about how long-lasting that brand of truck is. Wait, that was John Melloncamp. Wasn’t it? Anyway, if you manage to finish this entire video, pour yourself a pint because you probably need it.

|Fan IQ|

7. Matures/Elder Porn

Literal Meaning: Sex with a signifcantly older person. Yeah, it’s kinda gross.

Wiki Says: Nothing. And that’s probably a good thing.

Popular Advocates: Ashton Kutcher, Guy Ritchie.

10. POV

Literal Meaning: Porn shot with a camera technique to simulate the point of view of one of the participants. Fellatio is a common plot point in POV porn.

Wiki Says:

In a POV porn the man or woman receiving sexual gratification holds the camera himself/herself and aims it down at his/her genitals and the partner(s) who is/are pleasuring him/her. This is in contrast to having a separate camera crew filming the action

Popular Advocates: Tommy Lee, Jeff Gillooly, that guy with the night vision lens that banged Paris Hilton.

Jeopardy owns.  Bill Belichick definitely gave off a super-pissed, I’m-gonna-kill-someone vibe when he left the field early during last year’s Super Bowl loss, which people either called “poor sportsmanship” or “to be expected from such a competitor,” depending on whom you were rooting for.  In an awesome turn of events, Alex Trebek & Co. refined that to call it a “hissy fit.”  And even though it wasn’t really a hissy fit at all, I like where Trebek’s head is at.  If something is a clue on Jeopardy, it becomes instant history.  And so it shall ever be: Bill Belichick is a little bitch who throws hissy fits.

[Jets Blog via Simon on Sports]

…he stopped mid-sentence and said: “Going back to Manning for a second, if I’m not mistaken he hasn’t been on the injury report all year, other than maybe one day right at the beginning of the season. I’m not really sure what injuries you’re talking about. He hasn’t been listed on the report all year, so I’m assuming he’s not hurt.”

Using my trusty Belichick mumble translator, I have decoded that statement so that it reads more accurately.

See? The Colts also lie on their injury reports too! And if they aren’t lying, then Manning is just a huge pussy! Now let’s go bore a hole in a woman’s bathroom and see if we can spot some girl’s steel wool.”

You need a damn PhD in passive aggression to decipher that man, I tell you.

Bad MS Paint courtesy of Ape at KSK.

Tom Casale is a former writer for Patriots Football Weekly who recently left in order to blog for Pregame.com, a gambling website.  Posting as "Tommy Rider," he spilled his guts on the Pats organization.  Please note: guts may include a lot of shit.

–Tedy Bruschi is much more popular with the fans than he is with his teammates. He isn't the team leader people think he is. Actually, Bruschi rarely talks to any of his teammates… Bruschi is just an unlikable person in general and I think his teammates know what's what and get sick of his act. He created an image that he presents to the public but his teammates know better…

–Corey Dillon is about the most miserable piece of shit you would ever want to encounter.

To be fair, Casale also praises the organization and several players, but nothing comes close to this doozy: the notion of a Bill Belichick sex tape.

I heard from someone who is close to the case that there is a sex tape of Bill Belichick banging the married woman he had an affair with. I shit you not. The husband who is suing that woman for being unfaithful to him has a tape of his wife and Belichick screwing while the two of them were still married.

RAWR!  Hell yes Bill Belichick has tape of himself having sex.  How else is he supposed to study his tendencies and eliminate weaknesses?  He just has to be the best fucking coach ever. 

Note: I strongly recommend reading the comments on Casale's post.  Judging by most people's reactions, he's one of the more vile, underhanded people to ever walk the earth.

MLB — Alex Rodriguez hit a home run in his return from the DL, but it wasn't enough to staunch the first-inning seven-run hemorrhage that Mike Mussina allowed as the Orioles cruised to a 12-2 victory.  The Yankees have now lost four in a row and six of seven.  Tee-hee! … John Lackey returned to the Angels' rotation and threw seven innings of one-run ball to get his first win since last September, a 3-1 decision over the Blue Jays… Pinch-hitter extraordinaire Greg Dobbs came through with a bloop RBI single in the ninth to help the Phillies edge the Nats 1-0.  Cole Hamels struck out 11 over seven innings in the no-decision… Jorge Campillo and Tom Glavine pitched gems as the Braves swept the Mets in a doubleheader.  Really?  Two games of baseball in a single day?  Just thinking about it makes me tired.

So, here's a story that's not very interesting but is still making the rounds because a lot of sports fans hate the Patriots and also hate gays, or they are gay and like the Patriots, or they aren't necessarily homophobic but still call things like the Patriots "gay." 

Anyway, a photo of Bill Belichick was placed on the cover of Boston Spirit magazine, and it was somehow relevant because the mag had a discussion about the possibility of an athlete coming out of the closet.  I'll let MJD explain:

In fact, the article inside, about whether or not the city of Boston is ready to accept a gay athlete, has little to do with Belichick at all. They put Belichick on the cover, because, according to publisher David Zimmerman, "He is currently the most recognizable coach in the New England area."

Right, got it.  Out: rainbows, pink triangles.  In: recognizable coaches.  And if a recognizable coach comes out, then coaches are even more in!  I think.  I'm not really in step with gay culture.  Although Jersey Boys?  Simply FABULOUS!

We're well into Day Five of Patriots Imperfection, and the haterade is still flowing freely.  KSK has taken a shot at the protest petition by Pats fans of the final 1:40 of the Super Bowl, and SportsPickle's excellent take on the New England loss claims it was merely the most diabolical Belichick plan yet.

And this video is just kinda awesome because the guy does a solid Belichick impression, and I like the idea of Mutter McPursylips losing his mind at a press conference. (Fun fact: the actor is Whit Hertford, and you may remember him from Jurassic Park as the whiny kid who looks at the velociraptor skeleton and says, "That's not very scary. More like a six-foot turkey."  Now try to imagine Belichick saying that line.  Awesome, right?)