After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.

‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.

So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.

As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

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One of the Internet’s greatest time-wasters, aside from YouTube black holes and Reddit threads, is the Sports Illustrated photo vault. Forget, for a brief second, that you can browse almost every Swimsuit Issue photo ever taken, because while that’s certainly something that I can appreciate, it takes away from the awesomeness of the other images, like Drew Brees presumably telling Peter King that his face isn’t made of chocolate or Barry Sanders hanging out with Josef the lion.

The other day, SI.com released a new gallery of famous athletes and sports personalities in their little league baseball days, and it might be my favorite thing yet. Between Eric Chavez and his baseball jeans and Doug Flutie’s awesome participation trophy, this gallery is spectacular. But my absolute favorite is that image of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick above, because it is the most Little Rascals thing I’ve seen since The Little Rascals.

As a recommendation, I think the SI Vault should also include a collection of sports bloggers’ tee ball and little league photos. They can start with mine after the jump…

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via UnathleticMag.

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NBA Laboratory: Can LeBron Do It All By Himself? - More entertaining and thematically accurate than anything LeBron has done in real life. Robert Awful would be proud. [SB Nation]

Summer Roberts Will Rock Your Pap Smear - I don’t care how pretty Rachel Bilson is (and she’s extremely pretty), being Zach Braff’s worst movie girlfriend and spending 15 years on White People Problems The Show isn’t a cool way to convince me you’re good at things. You’d have less haters if anything you did was good, ever. [Warming Glow]

The Awesome Terminator And Transformers Cosplay Of Peter Kokis - This guy’s thought process is great. “Oh wow, cool, giant robots. I need to DRESS LIKE THEM.” [Gamma Squad]

My 5 Favorite Rapper Cameos On “Chappelle’s Show” - Mos Def is the best rapper cameo on anything, but that could be my undying love for Def Poetry showing. [Smoking Section]

Frotcast 83: Wahlberg-gate, Carnage, & Theater Stories with Comedian Matt Louv - Hey Mark Wahlberg, I wouldn’t masturbate either if I got to meat-kiss teenage Reese Witherspoon in the 90s. Put your life into perspective. COME ON COME ON. [Film Drunk]

Valentine’s Day Advisory: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag - I need to start using that dismissive wank gif. Just all the time, post stories about the Kardashians or Bieber dunking on Shaq or Baron Davis or almost anyone that brings page traffic and it’s nothing but the wanking gif. [KSK]

35 Unforgivable Facebook Statuses - Some of these took my breath away. I didn’t know a Facebook status could make you facepalm in real life. [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest Twitter Reactions To Rick Perry’s Exit - The best reaction to Rick Perry’s exit is smiling and loving yourself, because you aren’t the kind of person who supports Rick Perry and live in a world where he doesn’t get to be President. Eat a dick, Rick Perry. [HuffPost Comedy]

7 Eerily Accurate Rob Lowe Tweets - He is, literally, God here. [The FW]

Ever Wonder What Snooki Would Look Like Without Makeup? - I think she looks way, way better. Huge upgrade. She looks her age, and doesn’t look like something from Ghoulies. [FARK]

Enjoy the Awesome Introduction Video for the O’Neill Girls 2012 Surf Team - I will! [Brobible]

Former Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle and 11-season NFL veteran Orlando “Zeus” Brown was found dead in his Baltimore home today at the age of 40, and nobody is quite sure why. Via CBS News:

Fire spokesman Battalion Chief Kevin Cartwright said firefighters were called about 11 a.m. Friday because Brown was unresponsive at his home near the Inner Harbor. Cartwright said Brown was dead when firefighters arrived. Police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said firefighters called police, routine procedure in such cases. He said there were no signs of trauma or suspicious activity.

The Ravens learned of Brown’s death during practice.

“We send our condolences to the family of Orlando Brown,” Ravens coach John Harbaugh said. “Everybody knew what he meant to this organization. We’re forever grateful for what he did for the present team. We can’t express enough sorrow for his loss.”

Brown has a lot of interesting notes about his NFL career — he’s one of only two players to have played for both the pre- and post-Baltimore Ravens versions of the Cleveland Browns and is most famous for accidentally hit in the eye by a penalty marker weighted with BBs thrown by referee Jeff Triplette during a game in 1999 and having to sit for three seasons because of it. He settled with the NFL for a reported amount of $25 million and started up the first Fatburger franchise in Maryland. The fact that I can keep going with this should tell you how interesting of a guy he was, and how shocked his friends and family are that he’s suddenly gone.

Bill Belichick, the man who signed Brown, coached him for three seasons in Cleveland and probably thought dressing as a rollerskating pirate as the only thing he was going to do on the Internet today, released a statement through the Patriots moments ago.

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If you missed the last five minutes of last night’s game between the Colts and Patriots–which is not a rivalry but a fine matchup nonetheless–you saw Bill Belichick instantly shed the label of “coaching genius” when he sent his offense back out onto the field for a 4th and 2 play from his own 28 yard line. With a six-point lead, Tom Brady threw a screen pass to Kevin Faulk, who bobbled the ball in front of the chains, completed the catch, and was knocked backwards by the Colts’ defense. The ball was spotted short of the first down just before the 2-minute warning, and the Patriots, having used two timeouts on their very short drive, could not challenge the call. Peyton drives the Colts down the short field for a Reggie Wayne TD catch, and the extra point seals a 35-34 Colts win.

There’s only so many ways to say “insane.” Belichick didn’t seem confident after the failed 3rd and 2 pass that he was planning to go for it all along. Who throws it when (a) you need two plays for two yards, and (b) you’re trying to kill the clock, even if Tom Brady is your quarterback?

Was Belichick so immersed in his own excellence that he just assumed he could get the two yards? Or was he so convinced that Peyton Manning was going to beat him anyway? Of course, if Belichick gets his two yards, we’re not having this discussion, but that still doesn’t mean it wasn’t the dumbest call ever.

I’ve spent all day trying to come up with a SpyGate joke for Bill Belichick inexplicably on stage singing Dead or Alive with Bon Jovi at some benefit in this undated video. And I got nuthin’. Charlie Weis, on the other hand…he’s no Ruben Studdard, that much is clear. I love how they do the White People’s “Let’s Go” Clap to try and get the audience into it. I keep waiting for a pickup truck to roll onto the stage with some voiceover about how long-lasting that brand of truck is. Wait, that was John Melloncamp. Wasn’t it? Anyway, if you manage to finish this entire video, pour yourself a pint because you probably need it.

|Fan IQ|

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