… or, “seven minutes in Texas”.

By way of my Facebook friendship with With Leather legend Josh Zerkle comes the story of a Texas family’s attempts to jump a small ramp on bikes that I can say without hyperbole is worth every second of its 6-minute, 58-seconds run-time.

Listing off the funniest parts of the video is like trying to explain the plot of Duck Soup. Hot Rod Lincoln and the Keystone Cowboy. Keystone Cowboy wearing a “reggalah oh oven mitt” because he couldn’t find his other glove. The fact that it’s “Daredevils take two“. “Aw lawd Hot Rod Lincoln”. Hot Rod lying on the ground hurt for like a minute and a half while his Mom taunts him, only to making lurid jacking-off motions to her. The dog who threatens to take a sh*t in the middle of the proceedings. Keystone Cowboy’s aborted backflip. Hot Rod only being able to communicate via WWE hand gestures. “Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK”. “Speedy” being quiet the entire video and riding his bike over the ramp like it was nothing. At some point I expected Chico to wander onscreen in a Texas Longhorns shirt to make it even more absurd.

I probably live down the street from these guys.

[h/t to Chloe Alexander Reuland]

While the 2011 British Universities and College Sports mountain biking championships took place last weekend, it takes our British agency (Wiff Leavuh) a little longer to relay the info, and even then I actually have to research it so our readers across the pond don’t castrate me. For instance, did you know they call a bicycle a car?

Anywho, a video of the BUCS mountain biking championships has been making the rounds, namely because it features phenomenal wrecking and general spillage. It certainly lacks in the nut shot department, but Britain’s always had a more refined humor than us blokes in the States. Emyr Davies of the University of Wales Institute, Carniff and Tom Bell of Leeds University took home the biking gold, while… what’s that? You don’t give a crap and you just want me to get to the chaos?

You only have to tell me once.

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The instances of disregard for one’s own body keep on coming. Here’s a happy couple that decided to jump off a ramp while riding together on a bike. Bad move, kids. Even the safety instructions on the bike would tell you that’s a bad idea. Unfortunately for you, they would have told you in English. Thanks, BC and Don Chavez.

Sure, last night we got Danny Way clipping his ankle on the ramp, but it doesn't hold up to someone doing a 46-foot freefall after losing control of their board like last year. Therefore the X-Games are thus far a miserable failure bereft of needed schadenfreude. We got you covered, those out there with a thirst for blood or, failing that, painful looking plummets.

Damn, guy, didn't you learn anything from The Simpsons Movie? That should never to pay to see in theatres what you can watch online at home for free? No, the other lesson. The one where you have to speed up as you're hitting the top of the loop.