Back when I was in college, I used to go to the campus police bicycle auction each semester, partly because I thought it was really f*cked up that they just took random bikes that belonged to random people who may have vanished from the face of the Earth for all we know, and partly because I needed a bike. But the problem was that these bikes were all really ugly and I was poor, so I never wasted my $5 on any of them, and I just walked everywhere like Caine from Kung Fu.

I never actually wondered if those bikes were ever purchased or what eventually became of them, but for the sake of this post making sense – cycling is also a sport – I lost many nights of sleep over the years wondering if those bikes ever found homes. And now, I’m hoping that they were purchased by Israeli artist Nirit Levav, who originally focused her creativity on fashion design but eventually chose to sculpt from raw materials.

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Today’s A.M. edition of Hot Clicks featured a bike race crash video with an hilariously enthusiastic description (“F2: Main Race, part one! Awesome fish hook crash! XR100 Racing. Glad that you are OK!!”) and a lesson for Brandon Stroud: do not ever go near bike races.

If you’ve ever played Road Rash for the Sega Genesis (or driven a Sanchez in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas), you’ll be right at home watching this poor guy fall off his bike, get caught under the helmet by another rider until the apology reflex reaches said dude’s brain. Things work themselves out in the end — I would not share an actual beheading with you, and UPROXX doesn’t have a Faces Of Death channel — but it’s not any less scary.

You can check out the video below.

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No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

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… or, “seven minutes in Texas”.

By way of my Facebook friendship with With Leather legend Josh Zerkle comes the story of a Texas family’s attempts to jump a small ramp on bikes that I can say without hyperbole is worth every second of its 6-minute, 58-seconds run-time.

Listing off the funniest parts of the video is like trying to explain the plot of Duck Soup. Hot Rod Lincoln and the Keystone Cowboy. Keystone Cowboy wearing a “reggalah oh oven mitt” because he couldn’t find his other glove. The fact that it’s “Daredevils take two“. “Aw lawd Hot Rod Lincoln”. Hot Rod lying on the ground hurt for like a minute and a half while his Mom taunts him, only to making lurid jacking-off motions to her. The dog who threatens to take a sh*t in the middle of the proceedings. Keystone Cowboy’s aborted backflip. Hot Rod only being able to communicate via WWE hand gestures. “Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK”. “Speedy” being quiet the entire video and riding his bike over the ramp like it was nothing. At some point I expected Chico to wander onscreen in a Texas Longhorns shirt to make it even more absurd.

I probably live down the street from these guys.

[h/t to Chloe Alexander Reuland]

While the 2011 British Universities and College Sports mountain biking championships took place last weekend, it takes our British agency (Wiff Leavuh) a little longer to relay the info, and even then I actually have to research it so our readers across the pond don’t castrate me. For instance, did you know they call a bicycle a car?

Anywho, a video of the BUCS mountain biking championships has been making the rounds, namely because it features phenomenal wrecking and general spillage. It certainly lacks in the nut shot department, but Britain’s always had a more refined humor than us blokes in the States. Emyr Davies of the University of Wales Institute, Carniff and Tom Bell of Leeds University took home the biking gold, while… what’s that? You don’t give a crap and you just want me to get to the chaos?

You only have to tell me once.

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The instances of disregard for one’s own body keep on coming. Here’s a happy couple that decided to jump off a ramp while riding together on a bike. Bad move, kids. Even the safety instructions on the bike would tell you that’s a bad idea. Unfortunately for you, they would have told you in English. Thanks, BC and Don Chavez.