The Hornets fell to loathsome Spurs 91-82 in Game 7 of the Western Conference semis in New Orleans last night, setting up a San Antonio-LA conference finals showdown that forces anyone with a soul to partake in the unenviable chore of cheering for the same team as Jack Nicholson.

Chris Paul (18 points, 14 assists, 8 rebounds, 5 steals) and the Bugs mounted a fourth-quarter comeback to whittle a 17-point lead down to three in the final minutes, but the Spurs' playoff experience, three-point shooting, and ability to act like complete bitches were simply too much for the young home team. 

Balding puddle of feces Manu Ginobili led all scorers with 26 points on a blistering 6-19 shooting performance, while all-world bore Tim Duncan chipped in 16 and 14 boards.  Stubblecunt Tony Parker added 17 and a Gallic look of being near the brink of tears, while the thrill-a-minute Spurs busted loose for two fast break points.  Whoa, someone slow the game down!

In conclusion, the Riverwalk is just a sewage ditch.  Fuck San Antonio in the pants.

NBA — Spurs-Hornets isn't so much a series than a succession of home-court blowouts with the sheen of import. Game 6 was in San Antonio so… (consults playground folding paper fortune teller device) YES! I will live in a mansion when I grow up! Also, Spurs win. (Now about that mansion…) Manu Ginobili hit six 3-pointers en route to 25 points and finds he's much more likable when he doesn't emphasize the flopping aspect of his flopketball skills. David West jacked up his back again, making things even more interesting for Game 7 in New Orleans. Of course, Game 7 is three days away, because the NBA Playoffs must last at least five months.

NHL — The Flyers, like the Stars, stubbornly refuse to be swept. They caught the Pens thinking they had the whole thing wrapped up, surprising Pittsburgh with three goals in the 1st period on the way to a 4-2 win in Game 4. It must be because it's the 33-year anniversary of the Islanders coming back 3-0 against the Penguins! Because the number three equals jinxed and two threes? Yo, that straight plaguish, son. The Penguins leave Sid Crosby in in the waning moments to get beat up and analysts lose their shit. He's gotta earn that pout, you know.

MLB — Jason Bay, inspirer of bad covers of "Yesterday," was the latest to tee off on Jason Isringhausen, who picked up his 5th loss with three earned in a 1/3 inning, with a homer to touch off a 7-run rally by the Pirates in the 8th and 9th to win 11-5…Brandon Webb starts 9-0 for the season with a 7-plus innings, eight strikeout performance in a 8-5 win over the Rockies…Cole Hamels gets a complete game four-hit shutout over the Bravos, and loogit, Ryan Howard did good…"Big Puma" Lance Berkman hits his league leading 15th homer in the 9th to down the Giants 8-7...The Nats' Willie Harris comes up with an insane grab in the 9th, included after the jump, to preserve a 1-0 win over the Nigh Mets. 

If you want Tony Parker to miss a free throw, throw away that beard Longoria and get a cardboard cutout of me from my calendar shoot.  I like the one where I'm in a firefighter's helmet with a coiled fire hose thrown over my shoulder.  The double entendre kinda says, "Loins burning?  I'll douse you, baby."  Or maybe that's too much.  No one wants to see Parker masturbate at the free throw line.

(Full pic here, h/t to Hot Clicks)

NBA — The mother of the San Antonio Coyote was obviously a single mother, as the stress of of raising her flopping spawn has ravaged her with age and disappointment and a bad weave. It's a good thing Detroit bothered to win Saturday afternoon, otherwise the hopes of road teams in these playoffs can be parked with the team plane on the runway. The Spurs and the Jazz knotted up series that looked bleak the middle of last week. The Spurs ran away with Game 4 in dominating fashion 100-80, at one point being up 27, led by Tim Duncan's 22 points and 15 rebounds. Chris Paul could be counted on a solid performance with 23 points on 10-of-16 shooting, but the team on the whole shot only 40 percent. Carlos Boozer followed his awaited arrival to the Lakers-Jazz series in Game 3 with a weak first half yesterday, before combining with Mehmet Okur to spur Utah coming out in the 2nd half. Pau Gasol redoubled his whining and improved at least some of his play from Game 3, but ultimately deferred with the rest of the team to a banged-up Kobe in overtime. Beats trying to do things yourself.

NHL –  Mike Richards picked off an Evgeni Malkin blue line pass and streaked down the ice to beat Marc-Andre Fleury to even Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals at 2 at the end of the second. But fourth-line forward put one home midway through the third and the Pens added an emptynetter to seal a 4-2 win, proving it's not just in Game 1s that the Flyers have the losing touch. How will they look the defaced Rocky statue in the face before Game 3 Tuesday?

MLB — The Dodgers' Hiroki Kuroda takes a no-hitter into the seventh, and L.A.'s bullpen turns around and takes a 8-run, 10-hitter into the 9th to lose to the Astros 8-5…Big bitchy Mother Nature rains out half the games on the eastern seaboard. We knew it was Mother's Day, attention whore…Daryle Ward gets a pinch-hit two-run double in the 8th pushing the Cubs over the Dbacks…Okay, Marlins, we get it: You're besting expectations, but isn't seven straight a bit much?…All it takes is to get Richie Sexson out of the lineup and the Mariners take off, getting 13 hits in beating the White Sox 6-3.

NBA – The forces of bland consistency won't go down without a technically well-executed fight. Yeah, at least it's not the unwatchable mess that is the Celtics and the Cavs. CP3 and TP3x3 had quite the showdown, with Chris Paul leading scoring with 35 points to go with nine assists, while Tony Parker countered with 31 points to share the team high with Manu Ginobili. A lot was made of the fact that the Hornets had handed the Spurs their worst regular season loss at home, but San Antonio was able to pull away late in the 3rd to extend its home playoff win streak to 10 and avoid going down 3-0 in the series.

In Boston, Bron-Bron might have gotten Clevelanders cheap pizza yesterday, but he might want to start making some shots at some point in this series. James went 6-of-24 to go with another seven turnovers and Ben Wallace staggered off the court with a dizzy spell four minutes into the game and didn't return.  But, yeah, the Celtics seemed so vulnerable a few days ago.

NHL — The top-seed Red Wings got three power play goals to blow past the Stars 4-1 in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals in Detroit. Brenden Morrow, who came up huge with two overtime goals in the previous round, netted the Stars' only goal.  The Red Wings have never lost a playoff series to the Stars, so I guess we can stop writing about this one, huh?  

MLB – D-back's Brandon Webb throws his 13th career complete game in a 8-3 win over the Phillies to improve to 8-0. Brett Myers allowed six earned in five innings, sooo ya might want to sleep at your sister's house tonight, Mrs. Myers…The Yankees got homers mostly from guys hitting under .200 to avoid a sweep in Cleveland.  So all's gravy, now, huh?…Pirates wrap up three-game sweep of the Giants. Might as well bag it in Buccos.  All downhill from here.  Great success!…Richie Sexson charges the mound in a futile attempt to make Rangers 5-0 win over Mariners interesting.

NBA — The Spurs find themselves down 2-0 in a playoff series for the first time since 2001 as the Hornets blew past them in the second half of Game 2, a quick 10-0 run helping to expand a 1-point halftime deficit to a 102-84 win. Chris Paul and Peja Stojakovic led the way with 30 and 25 points respectively. Tony Parker was emasculated by someone other than his wife for once, as he was limited to 11 points and blocked twice by Tyson Chandler. Things got momentarily heated when David West clapped in Fabricio Oberto's face after the big man got called on a reach-in. Argentines just don't understand our boisterous ways. 

The Pistons also jumped to a 2-0 lead over the Magic, not without a whiff of controversy as the Pistons took the lead at the end of the 3rd quarter on a Chauncey Billups 3-pointer that took longer to get off than the 5.1 seconds remaining on the clock. Dwight Howard bounced back with 22 and 18 after a unimpressive showing in Game 1, but ultimately just missed the put back that would've tied the game in the final minute.

MLB –  The Orioles collapse is in full swing (what took so long?), as they drop their fifth in the last six games in 10 innings to Oakland… Ervin Santana is off to an okay start, tossing a four-hit complete game shutout over the Royals to improve to 6-0… Looks like Johnny Cueto is good again. The rookie struck out eight in six innings to earn his second win… Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer uses old age and treachery, not to mention 11 runs of support, to top the hard-throwing Diamondbacks youngster Max Scherzer.