It’s bad enough that the Big Ten turns out vastly inferior football teams than the SEC; now the SEC is even getting top billing in Playboy’s “Girls of the Big Ten” issue.  Miss October Kelly Carrington (aka Kelly Hemberger), an undergrad at Florida, appears on the cover of this month’s issue, and her spread includes photos of her in a Gators jersey.  So why no Big Ten girl on the cover of the Big Ten issue?

“There weren’t any girls from the Big Ten who were hot enough to be on the cover, so they had to pull someone from the SEC,” she quipped.

Let’s go to the judges… annnnnd… yep, that’s a burn.  Let’s all just sit back and enjoy this a little bit.  Few things in life are as good as a woman who gets naked for money telling other women who got naked for money that they’re not attractive.  Girls are way easier to talk to when their self-confidence is destroyed.

[Deadspin]

The Penn State Nittany Lion, who claims the Big Ten stole his idea for the Big Ten Network, is suing the conference for an alleged breach of agreement.  Actually it's not the mascot, but a businessman who formerly wore the furry plush costume.  But hey, once a mascot, always a mascot.

[Robert] Welsh claims that in 1998 he presented to a group of Big Ten Conference officials and athletic directors his plan to create a Big Ten network… He claims the Big Ten Conference appeared interested in his proposal so he “distributed his business plan on a confidential basis and made a comprehensive and detailed presentation including a specific delineation of the Big Ten Network plan as a satellite/cable television medium.”

But then the Big Ten Conference decided it “did not wish to cede control over such matters to an independent entity” and instead, the suit said, took Mr. Welsh’s idea as its own.

And then the Big Ten Network miraculously debuted last summer.  Eh, whatever.  I'll be honest, this story's pretty dull, and the only reason I brought it up is because I like pictures of mascots in court.  I guess I just like the idea of them arguing their cases in pantomime.

With all this talk of mascots, we need to see a woman get punched by Nicolas Cage in a bear suit (after the jump, natch).

[The Wizard of Odds] 

The Big Ten tournament just got underway a few minutes ago, so now seems like a good time to use this SI on Campus photo of the day from last month.  I can't say I know much about Michigan basketball specifically, but I'm not inclined to question the veracity of the claim made by these MSU students.  I certainly watched more of 2girls1cup than I have any Big Ten game so far this year.

If you're the gambling type, don't sleep on my Northwestern Wildcats — they went 1-17 in-conference this year, so you just know they're due for a run!  I hope they've got their Dancin' shoes shined and ready to go!  ROWR!

[35 Seconds] 

The Wisconsin Badgers travel to the well-lit Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome today to take on the mighty Minnesota Golden Gophers to renew the oldest and most-played rivalry in Division I-A football.  Of course they will play for Paul Bunyan's Ax because these states have nothing redeeming and are forced to compete for imaginary implements.  They used to play for a slab of bacon, but that part of the country is much more health conscious now. If you thought they were just a region of worthless fat fucks, you were wrong.  And the girls – top notch. Why don't they have any other Tall Tale college football trophies? Who wouldn't love to see a game for John Henry's hammer, Sally Hemmings' enchanted petticoat, or Joseph Smith's magic golden tablets? In other Big Ten Trophy action today:

• The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk: Northwestern vs. Illinois – The Fightin' Illini appear to be in line for the win and also appear to enjoy pissing off Indians.
• The Old Oaken Bucket: Purdue vs. Indiana – Interestingly, this  bucket is not referred to as "old" in the state of Indiana. This simple pail represents the height of technological advancement to the Boilermakers and Hoosiers.
• The Land Grant Trophy: Penn State vs. Michigan State – lame.

Oh yeah, Ohio State is playing Michigan for the trophy they compete for nearly every year – the Big Ten Championship trophy. -KD

University of Minnesota Football Coach Tim Brewster suspended three of his players until a criminal sexual assault investigation is completed:

The players were identified by the university as Alex Daniels, listed as a 6-foot-3, 255-pound defensive end who came to the Gophers as a highly touted linebacker from Columbus, Ohio; Keith Massey, a 6-foot-1, 195-pound cornerback from Columbus; and E.J. Jones, a 5-foot-9, 185-pound running back from Edwardsville, Ill.

Rumors that E.J. Jones is funny-looking in a kind of general way, is not circumcised, and is staying with the strapping Shep Proudfoot in the Twin Cities area are unsubstantiated.  Meanwhile at Penn State this week, football players are being questioned in connection with a brawl at an off-campus apartment.  PSU Assistant Vice President Bill Mahon did not appreciate the helpful letter the apartment's residents received from "The Voice of the Penn State Student Body":

Mahon, relaying the contents of the letter, said the author asked "politely that you drop the charges" and added, "Again, I'm sorry about what happened."  "This is deplorable," he said. "Nobody should have taken this upon themselves … We all need to support the victims in every way possible."

Come on, they said they were sorry.  Plus I think the police should look elsewhere for the culprits because that writing is a bit too coherent for a Nittany Lion footballer.  Finally, Purdue Wide Receiver Selwyn Lymon was released from the hospital after being treated for stab wounds to the chest:  

Lymon was stabbed March 30 during a fight at a West Lafayette night club. Police were looking for a young woman in connection with the incident. Lymon was originally listed in critical condition after the stabbing.

Probably an enlightened discussion about the merits of the bubble-screen pass turned south. I'm sure Joe Tiller is culpable somehow. -KD

(Much gratitude to Signal to Noise.)

The supposed two best conferences in college basketball have only advanced one team each into the Sweet Sixteen.  The Big Ten has a 6-5 record in the tournament thus far, and only has Ohio State left to represent it and the Buckeyes should have lost to Xavier.  Because I hail from Chi-town, I must constantly apologize for the Big Ten's low point totals, stilted offenses and poor field goal percentages by asserting their teams play the best defense in the country.  Nope, they're just God awful.

North Carolina is the lone ACC representative still playing, and the so-called best league went 6-6 through the first two rounds of the tourney.  Too bad Billy Packer will have no team left to champion.  However, I can guarantee this extremely overvalued conglomeration of shit will have at least seven teams in next year's dance.  Whoever believes that Eastern bias doesn't exist is an idiot or works for ESPN.

A scan of the updated brackets reveal the SEC advanced three teams, the PAC-10 three, the Big 12 two, and the Big East two.  No double digit seeds progressed to the Regional Semifinals for the first time since 1995, and typing will be very painful next week as the fingers on my left hand will be 'readjusted' because your hopeful Assistant Editor wagered heavily on underdogs.

Enjoy lovely Jennifer, the last redhead of the weekend , and look for further NCAA analysis from the Chief tomorrow. -KD