I’ve prepared separate intro blurbs, depending on who you are. Find the one that is most appropriate for you!

I Don’t Watch Glee: I know, I know. Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV, featuring the first show I’ve ever watched specifically for the benefit of the column, FOX’s ‘Glee’. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show your niece probably watched two or three years ago about a glee club at a Lima, Ohio, high school who interpret their feelings via reality-warping musical numbers. If you’ve never seen it and know what it is, yeah, it’s not great. However, if you’re a regular reader of the column, you’ll hopefully have a little faith in my writing/ability to write aggressively about stuff that sucks, so take a look through this one anyway. You’ll find a lot of funny jokes, a few pictures of hot girls and at least one video of zombie football players. That’s something, right?

I Watch Glee, And I Love It: Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV column, wherein I rag on that show you like because it’s not aimed at my intelligence level or demographic. Please read through the moments I’ve selected, tear apart any inaccuracies in my analysis, and show it to all of your friends so they can do the same. Make it really virally popular so nobody who likes ‘Glee’ will ever come here again!

I Watch Glee (Or Have Watched Glee) And Do Not Like It: You’re probably going to love this.

So please click through and enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Glee’. *unnecessary bell ringing sound*

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The summer of unnecessary goddamn sports-related Carly Rae Jepsen ‘Call Me Maybe’ covers continues. First it was eight million views for a Harvard Crimson baseball team lip sync video, then it was literally everyone else on the planet, from the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders (good) to local Oklahoma bands who are excited about the NBA Finals (not so good).

You’d think that would’ve died down by now, but nope, between every update about whether or not Dwight Howard has heard of the Indiana Pacers (he hasn’t) there’s a ‘Call Me Maybe’ parody. Today’s effort, relevant to my interests, is from the Big Ten conference mascots. Highlights include Sparty chasing tail, Brutus Buckeye’s arbitrary hip-hop dancing and Herbie Husker hanging out with the four attractive women in Nebraska. At no point does Carly Rae Jepsen stop being the most grating f**king thing of all time.

Don’t let that dissuade you from watching, though. Full video (with a hat tip to Kegs n Eggs) is below.

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You know it’s going to be a great post when I start out with a dick joke in the headline! That’s the only way I’ll get you to read something about how poorly the Big Ten’s done in bowl games. What’s that? You love Big Ten ineptitude? Well, I guess we all found something we can agree on.

The Big Ten conference had an auspicious start in the postseason, with Iowa taking down No. 12 Missouri and Illinois killing Baylor. Big Ten fans got excited. “If this is an indicator of our bowl success for the future,” they said, “then I’m so pumped up!” (Disclaimer: they may or may not have said this.)

Then, it was January 1, 2011, and reality set in simultaneously while their metaphorical shit got ruined.
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"This logo is the gayest thing I've ever seen..."

It’s official: I’m done apologizing for the Big Ten. Because this new logo for the NCAA’s Big Ten conference is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. If that logo was my newborn child, I would drown it in the bathtub and not even bother to make it look like an accident, because no jury would convict me for ridding the earth of something so irredeemable. And since the design came from a firm known as Pentagram, it’s clearly the work of Satan.

“The new Big Ten logo provides a contemporary identifying mark unifying 12 outstanding institutions,” said [ Big Ten Commissioner Jim] Delany. “It conveys some elements from the past while simultaneously introducing new features. We think the new logo is fun and has something for everyone.”

–BTN., via Midwest Sports Fans.

You are wrong. That logo is not fun. It is sad. It will scare children. It will cause political unrest in many sub-Saharan African nations. It makes me want to abandon hope for our world. These are all just nice ways of saying that I really, really hate it.

Oh, and the league as also named their new divisions. Leaders and Legends?! Someone please kill me.

After the Big Ten conference announced the two divisions of their new 12-team conference, they made sure to indicate that Ohio State and Michigan, the two most dominant football powers in that league, would continue their rivalry without interference or interruption, meeting in the last game of the regular season as they have done since 1935.

“I’m very pleased that we came out of this with protected rivalries that will go on permanently with Ohio State and Michigan State,” Michigan athletic director Dave Brandon told The Associated Press. “We’ll play Ohio State in the last game of the regular season, following a tradition that has lasted for decades. And if we both earn the right, we can play the Buckeyes again in the Big Ten championship game.”

There was speculation the Michigan-Ohio State game could be pushed out of its end-of-season spot, maybe even into October. It sent some fans into an outrage and Delany said that was a factor in the final decision.

“We heard the fans, there’s no doubt [that] their voices mattered,” Delany said. –Y! Sports.

While some will be upset about the facts that (a) Michigan and Ohio State could theoretically play each other in back-to-back games, and (b) that The Game is no longer the de facto Big Ten title game that it once was, this arrangement is really the best scenario for both teams. I’ve said before that the rivalry wasn’t so much about tradition for its own sake but rather a natural crescendo for the campaigns of each team. If you took the Statue of Liberty scene from Planet Of The Apes and put it in the middle of the movie, that’s what moving the Ohio State-Michigan game would have felt like. Congrats to the “Big Ten-ish” for not screwing it up.

Nebraska is set to join what is still being called the Big Ten conference in 2011, and the powers that be running that league have announced that they will play a championship game at the end of that season, according to reports coming out of the Big Ten’s media day.

Even with the pursuit of additional schools on hold, integrating a 12th team is a multi-pronged issue. The most urgent matter is deciding how to divide teams into divisions to allow for a championship game, which Delany expects to be played starting in 2011.

With league powers Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State among the eastern-most schools, a geography-based setup would be problematic.

“Geography is important,” Delany said. “It’s going to be a consideration, but it’s not the first consideration. Our athletic directors, many of whom coached and some of whom played, want competitive equality as best they can get it.” –Columbus Dispatch.

Oh, and never mind Nebraska, who brings its own sort of geographic issues. You know that they’ve done scientific testing to show that Nebraska literally is flatter than a pancake. Oh wait, that was Kansas. Whatever. You know what they say about those plain states. They all look alike.