As we’ve already discussed, the week of Super Bowl XLVI has already started off with the standard, lazy storylines of guarantees and misconstrued words, with Tom Brady and Antrel Rolle providing the cannon fodder for the media thus far. Of course, we’ve also been treated to the rematch hype and David Tyree’s catch, as expected, but I’ve really been hoping that we could really stretch the limit of what is qualified as sports news this week.

Oh thank God, Tiquan Underwood got a haircut.

As a backup who has only three receptions this season, Underwood doesn’t get much notice, even with his skyscraper hairstyle.

But now that he’s going to the Super Bowl maybe he can attract some attention on Media Day with the artistry that has been added to his coiffure. (Via USA Today)

I get the idea that a wide receiver who was drafted in the 7th round and spent time being bounced between teams and practice squads might relish a little attention this week, seeing as he was released by his current team back in November and re-signed because of lack of depth.

But when I Googled “Super Bowl media day”, the Top 5 results were about things don’t matter worth a poop. Everything is about the goofy people (more on them just a little later), Ochocinco reveling in his first Media Day (that he worked so hard for), Peyton Manning’s future and Underwood’s hair. So if I were running News Corp, what kind of story would I want to see?

THIS!!! Ever since Giants linebacker Mark Herzlich, who was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma in 2009, Tweeted this reminder of his success, I would be cramming this down your throats like crazy. 35,000+ Retweets, too. Suck on that, Kardashian church visit. Instead we’re stuck with Pick Boy and this jackass with his stupid hat. Reporters should be attacking Herzlich like Peter King at a carrot farm.

(Images via Getty and Reuters.)

It’s Cyber Monday, everybody, and you know what that means! /unzips pants

Links

International Object Podcast S2E2: Brandon Stroud - I can’t stop casting pods! Listen to me talk excitedly for nearly two hours, because I don’t get enough of a chance to do this sort of thing. A great conversation about terrible things. [International Object]

NBA Lockout Laboratory: Is Being Tall The Only Thing That Matters In Basketball? - Hilarious. Jon on a video blog is the best, but he should be dressed like he’s going to work at Radio Shack at all times. [SB Nation]

Women Be Tramplin’: The Most Insane Black Friday Moments You Will Ever See - You know how I spent my Black Friday? Hanging out at home, not being trampled to death, then going out at 9 at night and buying two seasons of ‘Roseanne’ from Target for 4 dollars. [UPROXX]

Ten Skits That Prove ‘The Muppet Show’ Was For Adults More Than Kids - Alternate title, “ten skits that prove ‘The Muppet Show’ was better than most other shows”. Johnny Cash/Rowlf and Time In A Bottle are two of my very favorites. [Warming Glow]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay: November 25th - With a title like this I’d hoped they’d be cosplaying as pilgrims and Indians, but whatever. Discussion point: cosplay stops being cool or sexy when you get professionally taken photos of it. [Gamma Squad]

“Streets Of Music” – Review Of 9th Wonder’s The Wonder Years - Not what I thought it was going to be. [Smoking Section]

Alternate Posters for the Expendables - Internet jokes aside, Chuck Norris makes me feel really uncomfortable. The way he says WHAT’S YOUR GAME?? in the Warcraft commercial like I’m a goddamn terrorist and he’s still Firewalker is the worst. [Film Drunk]

10 Awesome Vintage Tattoo Parlors From Around The World - Very cool. Maybe I should go to one of these to get my Ultros from Final Fantasy VI tattoo. [Buzzfeed]

The 10 Worst Rock Tattoos - Awwww, Starland Vocal Band? They suck! [The FW]

The Biggest And Most Ridiculous Celebrity Hair Of The 80s. What Were They Thinking? - Uh, that having your hair like this in the 80s is a great way to get ladies to sleep with you in the 80s? [FARK]

25 Things You Didn’t Know About ‘Network’ - If Moviefone wants to turn IMDB trivia pages into articles they need to get cracking, there’s a great thing about Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones just DYING to be common knowledge. [Moviefone]

The Jon Hamm Problem: You Can’t Be Handsome And Funny. Pick One. - At first I was like, “well, at least now I know why I’m not handsome”. Then I wondered, “what if I AM? Oh god I’m not funny” and then I jumped out of a window. [Pajiba]

CagePotato Tribute: The Failure To Intimidate - I’m going to parody this and talk about the failure to Elimidate. Worth it for the Gina Carano On The Scales photo. [Cage Potato]

Troy Polamau might have a second career as a hockey table. As a promotion for a shampoo brand, somebody decided to make an air hockey table…out of human hair. Gross. via Copyranter.

As you may have heard, America is not doing all too well financially. Thankfully, NBA players still have plenty of money to throw around on nonsensical wagers. The Orlando Magic’s resident Frenchmen Mickael Pietrus was the subject of such a wager; he was challenged to go a whole season without cutting his hair. The prize for staying out of Supercuts? $17,000.

This $17,000 was put up by teammates Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, and Jameer Nelson, and it was reported by Yahoo! Sports that they were in for “widely different sums…” –Blacksportsonline

Now, I’m certainly no full on rapist however, there are certainly better things you could do with 17,000 dollars. You could feed an African village for a year, or something else that make Bono get a Bono-er. That being said, it is their money, and they have the right to do whatever they want with it. Like make wagers with me, for example. I would do a lot more than grow out my hair for 17 grand. Hell, I’m growing a Barry Melrose mullet for $200. I could do something really awesome; like punch a homeless man in the face, or moon the president.

The incomparable Unsilent Majority unearthed this pic for Deadspin earlier today. That birth canal you find yourself staring into belongs to our possibly-future vice president. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be practicing a little “gun control” before my boss gets back. They don’t call me The Time-Traveling Masturbator for nothing.

UPDATE: Whoops. Palin is actually No. 22 on the Wasilla Team. Eww. Good thing I already busted my load.