It’s time to flush the good will and fan song benefit-of-the-doubt earned by Ashkon’s “Niners In Paris” down the toilet, because the worst kind of guy who does things on the Internet (the bald, bearded guy wearing sunglasses on his webcam) has created “The Gronk Song – An Original for Rob Gronkowski”. It … basically destroys fan songs forever. And possibly rap music. And possibly white people. And uh, possibly people.

In a greater context, sure, there have been worse fan songs on YouTube and fat kids doing Ke$ha covers about hockey is objectively worse, but there’s something special about this video’s unique mix of bad rhyming, New England rabbel-rousing and full-on virgin-or-close-to-it perspectives on women.

Example:

Shopping for him must be hard to do,
’cause he wears a massive size-16 shoe.
He went to college in Arizona,
calls Bibi Jones when he gets a Gronk boner!

…but I guess if you like the Patriots and enjoy America’s constant attempts at being the next Free Credit Report Dot Com Band, you’ll like this. Just don’t let anyone hear you listening to it (or do, and tell them it’s a terrible new They Might Be Giants CD).

[h/t The Big Leadq]

By all accounts, the Denver Broncos’ victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers yesterday was a lot of things for NFL fans – entertaining, agonizing, frustrating and exciting to name a few – but for sports writers across the country, it was a second Christmas. Tebow earned his first NFL playoff victory by decimating an injury-riddled Steelers defense, posting the second best passer rating of his young career (125.6) and setting a NFL playoff record by averaging 31.6 yards per completion. And it’s that number, 31.6, or rather the 316 yards that he passed for, that has allowed the media’s loudest voices to shout down their biblical comparisons from the Internet heavens.

316, of course, reminds us of John 3:16, the Bible passage that reads: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” But instead of talking about how Demaryius Thomas humiliated Ike Taylor on the 80-yard touchdown that both opened and closed overtime, or how underrated and increasingly dangerous the Broncos defense is, we’re talking about Tebow’s religion. Again.

Read the rest of this entry »

The other day we celebrated New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski for his shameless use of Twitter as a way to hit on ridiculously attractive women, like our beloved Kate Upton. In fact, Gronk’s Twitter use led him straight into the arms of adult film actress Bibi Jones last weekend, while the Patriots were enjoying their bye week. Jones claims that nothing happened between the two, that Gronk always carries his jersey with him so he can take pictures of girls wearing nothing but it, and that all they did was watch her movies together… with 5 other guys. I know, it’s a little too much for me to put together in my head this morning, too.

But the national media has, without any surprise in the world, blown this story up into something way beyond how cool Gronk is. Most of the old school reporters and columnists see this as deplorable behavior and have brought down their hammers of Murrow with rage upon the single 22-year old eventual millionaire. Sadly, they won, because after meeting with Patriots owner Robert Kraft, Gronk has issued an apology.

Read the rest of this entry »

Or perhaps that title should read: “Rob Gronkowski knows how to spend a bye week.” Either way, if you’re not familiar with the New England Patriots’ tight end’s Twitter account, let me give you a super brief synopsis – he likes to hit on hot girls. For example, Gronk has famously tried to spark a blood rivalry with me by hitting on Kate Upton via the Tweets. He also hit on Rihanna, but she just spent $2,000 in a sex shop, and quite frankly I imagine it’s like throwing a Tic Tac into the Holland Tunnel.

Lately, though, Gronk has a new Tweety lady in adult film star Bibi Jones, whom he paid a visit to over the weekend, leading to her posting the above photo. She also posted a photo of her with Gronk shirtless (after the jump) which leads to my math problem of the day:

(Horny NFL star – shirt) + (porn actress – shorts) x (porn actress wearing NFL star’s jersey + any man’s fantasy of a girl wearing only a jersey)^2 = They did it

Alas, Ms. Jones says that my math is faulty.

Read the rest of this entry »