Just like the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Pro Bowl had to tarp sections to avoid a blackout.

The 2012 Pro Bowl took place yesterday, in case you were glued to TNT’s broadcast of the Celebrity Drinking Contest annual SAG Awards, and it was basically everything you would expect, as the AFC defeated the NFC 59-41. The defenses played down, allowing the offensive players to do their things, and that’s why Philip Rivers only had one interception, instead of the standard 7. But I also commend rookie Can Newton for selflessly getting the defense involved by throwing 3 picks as well.

The star of the game, though, was Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who had 6 receptions for 176 yards and a Pro Bowl record 4 touchdowns, as he scored once in each quarter. Of course, the controversial wide receiver’s moment in the figurative sun didn’t last long as he eventually opened his mouth.

“Since Jay Cutler I’ve had a few different quarterbacks and being in the Pro Bowl you have these elite quarterbacks and it’s all them,” he said. “They put [the ball] in the right spots and make it easy for me to make the catch. It’s all the quarterbacks.” (Via the Miami Herald)

While he’s right – in the last two seasons, he’s had four QBs in Matt Moore, Chad Henne, Chad Pennington and Tyler Thigpen – some have misconstrued Marshall’s words as an attack on Moore. That would be true if the Dolphins hadn’t already made it clear that they’re looking to upgrade at QB. But I digress. At least the Pro Bowl gave us something to talk about.

In the meantime, people will continue to question the need for the Pro Bowl, and those people need to shush. The Pro Bowl is great for what it is – a chance for guys who get their asses kicked for 18 weeks to f*ck around and have some fun. The NFL just needs to move it back to after the Super Bowl so the players from the eventual championship team can attend and remind all of the other players how much worse they are. That’s the true NFL spirit.

Now enjoy some of the game’s best moments before everyone goes back to airing David Tyree’s catch over and over for the next 6 days.

(Images via the AP and Reuters; Cheerleader images via the NFL.)

“Hey Rivers, I’m really glad you made it today. You totally deserve it.”

“Dude, I can’t believe Rivers fell for our fake invitation!”

“And the Miami Dolphins chose WHO over you?”

Roger Goodell has really bad handwriting.

If you’re not familiar with the band Hot Chelle Rae, then I admire you. If you are, and “Tonight Tonight” is now stuck in your head, too, I’ll be distributing cyanide capsules momentarily.

Brandon Marshall celebrates with the Jaguars’ lone Pro Bowl participant.

B-Marsh’s biggest moment was an amazing catch that was allowed by two Pro Bowl defenders running into each other. (Video here.)

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE I EXPECTED MY TEAM TO BE!”

Patrick Peterson was immediately fined $50,000 for violating the Pro Bowl’s strict no defense policy.

“All you can eat lobster, brah!”

Does that hand phone dial 911? Because me thinks someone’s wife doesn’t like all those cheerleaders.

Hold on, something just doesn’t seem right about that trophy…

There you go, much better.

We now take a timeout to appreciate the NFL’s true stars.

Pro sports’ best citizen and America’s most desirable neighbor Tim Tebow has it rough; he provides no reasonable middle ground, and the only two ways to take him are as God’s Precious Little Comeback Angel or the least talented human being in modern history. You’d think it’d be easy to understand a guy who wrote an autobiography in his early twenties, but here we are alternately applauding his performances and staring aghast at his self-indulgent comic book.

Thankfully, the NFL’s second most stand-up guy is here with solid advice on remaining moderate in extreme times. He’s also here if Tebow wants to know how to have sex on dates.

But even Big Ben seemed astounded by the constant attention — both good and bad — paid to Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

“It’s got to be tough. Every time you turn it on, you see something about Tebow. I can only imagine what it’s like for his teammates. Just watching today, it’s the Steelers versus Tim Tebow. No, it’s the Steelers versus the Broncos, so I can only imagine what it’s like for him with all the eyes and the attention on him and the pressure. It can’t be fun. I feel for him a little bit.”

“I don’t think Tim’s really calling ESPN and asking them to talk about him,” Roethlisberger said. “I would assume his teammates understand it. It’s a tough thing. It’s the position we play.”

Yes, Ben Roethlisberger knows a thing or two about pressure. Denverpost.com could’ve kept things in a reasonable perspective by saying “Roethlisberger is a way better quarterback than Tebow so he knows what he’s talking about”, but no, they had to go full facepalm:

As the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback who has played in three Super Bowls and has also been involved in his share of embarrassing off-field incidents,

has also been involved in his share of embarrassing off-field incidents

embarrassing off-field incidents

I want to get indignant about co-ed sexual abuse being labeled “embarrassing”, but I sat here typing the word “really?” and deleting it once a second for five minutes and I’m pretty sure that’s as far as my brain’s gonna let me go. I’m not totally sure Ben understands how their situations are different. Tebow’s response should be “I appreciate the support, bro, but no”.

[h/t to Mr. Article Writer at Shutdown Corner]

Candlestick Park went blackout dark twice during last night’s Monday Night Football game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and depending on your level of inner demons your brain should go to one of two jokes: “pretty funny that a place called ‘candlestick’ would burn out like that” or “did anybody get shot?” The second one isn’t a joke as much as a concern, but don’t worry, you weren’t the only one thinking it.

From the Associated Press:

Two power outages delayed the Niners’ 20-3 Monday night win over the Pittsburgh Steelers, first just before kickoff and again early in the second quarter after the stadium moved to a backup power source.

NFL security chief Jeff Miller said he witnessed a transformer blow up while he was monitoring a gate outside the stadium, where a shooting during the preseason already put a negative light on this venue.

Eventually the lights came back on and stayed that way, and San Fran rolled to a 20-3 victory. Nobody was injured or murdered (that we know of) and nothing had to be postponed, so the game’s legacy lies in a gallery of videos and images depicting sudden darkness, dogs being led around the stadium by policemen and a sad line of cheerladies who just wanted to put on their Santa Claus dresses and shake a pom pom for our enjoyment. Those are the real victims.

Anyway, please enjoy said gallery, and yes, the Santa dresses are in there.

[pics credit to Getty Images, AP Photo and Reuters Images]

The explanation.

The explanation, in handy gif form.

[gif via Mocksession]

This can’t be safe.

Especially anyone you’re standing beside in Candlestick Park.

The best reason for the power to come back on.

Check out what Troy Polamalu’s up to this season: promoting Head And Shoulders by posing as a wax figure and coming to life Kim Cattrall style to scare people at Madame Tussaud’s in Hollywood. And, uh, losing to the Texans!

Some of the better reactions in the video include a child who doesn’t know what a posing arm implies, an old man who says Troy Polamalu looks “a little” like Troy Polamalu and the girl at the :49 second mark who shoves him in the chest and almost fumbles the ball. I feel pretty jipped by this video, I’ve got to say. I was in Hollywood and walked by Madame Tussaud’s a few weeks ago, and the only living wax creature I saw was a guy in the lobby dressed like Rambo.

I’m not 100% on how this promotes shampoo (I mean previous to this were we supposed to believe he washed his hair with a stone, or what), but it’s pretty awesome, Steelers fan or no. They should do this gag with other players. Have Ben Roethlisberger stand still in the Madame Tussaud’s bathroom with his pants down and see how many people fall for it.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

"Haha, I'm the best."

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan thinks that this year’s team is the one that’s going to win it all. Sure, he felt good about last year’s team and the team before that, because he said those teams were going to win Super Bowls. But as much as we make fun of that feet-loving King Hippo clone, he’s supposed to dish hyperbole. And his latest plate is loaded with love for his QB, Mark Sanchez, whom Ryan says is an elite QB.

Despite putting up regular season numbers that rival Chad Henne, Sanchez is the Jets’ all-time postseason leader in wins (4) and he’s tied with Len Dawson, Jake Delhomme, Joe Flacco, and Roger Staubach for most postseason victories on the road. And as CBS Sports points out, only Sanchez and Ben Roethlisberger have taken their squads to the AFC championship game in their first two seasons as QB. Of course, Roethlisberger has a different record in those games, but Ryan doesn’t care about that.

“This guy has won four playoff games in two years, all on the road,” Ryan said Thursday. “When you talk about elite quarterbacks, I think he’s an elite quarterback because he wins the big games and he’s a winner.”

“That’s all I want him to do, just win,” Ryan said. “Don’t worry about anything else. The stats will take care of themselves. Let’s just go out and win.”

One could argue that the Jets’ defense is more responsible for those wins than Sanchez and his oft-errant passes, but people will just invoke Trent Dilfer and the 2000-01 Baltimore Ravens, because the QB has to be responsible for wins and losses. It can’t possibly fall on anyone else. So I guess it’s settled – Sanchez is up there with Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, right?

“No, not those two,” Ryan said. “Those two have won Super Bowls. Peyton Manning’s won a Super Bowl and he’s won a zillion games and, in my opinion, is the best quarterback in football. And you have Tom Brady, who has only won three Super Bowls, been the MVP of the league three times.

“We’re a ways from there. There’s no doubt.”

Oh, OK. Those guys are above elite. They’re Super Elite. So Sanchez ranks right behind them then, right?

“I certainly understand where Eli’s coming from,” Ryan said. “He’s been there and done it. He’s won a Super Bowl. He’s a great quarterback. Now, is he Tom Brady and Peyton? Probably not, but he’s pretty darn good. And, I think Mark Sanchez is pretty darn good.”

Ah, that’s right – Eli Manning thinks he’s elite, too. And he has a Super Bowl, but Sanchez has those playoff wins, so that makes them even, according to Ryan. I guess that makes Ryan’s list look like this:

1) Tom Brady (3 Super Bowl wins)
2) Peyton Manning (1 Super Bowl win)
3) Mark Sanchez
4) Eli Manning (1 Super Bowl win)

Then it’s a considerable drop off to:

5) Ben Roethlisberger (2 Super Bowl wins)
6) Aaron Rodgers (1 Super Bowl win)
7) Drew Brees (1 Super Bowl win)

And then all of those other losers. To be fair to ol’ loudmouth, Sanchez currently has his best offense since becoming the starting QB of the Jets, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to perform at an elite level this season. If he can’t put up better numbers than a 75 passer rating or 17 TDs and 13 INTs with Santonio Holmes, Plaxico Burress, and Derrick Mason, then Ryan should have to swallow him whole.

Now that the NFL is back in full swing, Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison has, as expected, increased his PR efforts in regard to his recent interview with Men’s Journal, a magazine that I once had in my bathroom because I received four free issues.

In the interview, Harrison called Goodell “stupid” and a “devil” among other things, regarding Harrison being fined more for his brutal hits last season than other hard-hitting defenders. And despite the fact that those words were printed in a magazine and all over the Internet, Harrison still expects us to believe that he didn’t mean them like that. Now he’s apologizing to Goodell, despite not actually talking to Goodell in person, and we should believe that he’s sorry, because why not? Oh I know why – because he’s full of sh*t.

“The interview that I did and the comments that I made about Roger Goodell were inappropriate, at the least,” Harrison said. “They were way out of line, and I was speaking out of anger and frustration at the time. Any comments that I made that offended anyone, I apologize.” (Via ESPN)

Hold on, I have Goodell’s response right here: *fart noise*

As for the comments he made about Ben Roethlisberger not being as good as Peyton Manning for what he’s paid, and Rashard Mendenhall being a fumble machine, those were taken out of context.

“That’s all behind us,” he said Friday. “Those comments [toward teammates] were taken out of context with a long conversation. It’s not anything I haven’t talked to those guys about or my teammates about.”

Remember? The author of the article told Harrison to just say they were taken out of context, even though they weren’t. That’s how journalism works these days – you agree to sit down for a day and give me a candid interview, I write every single word that you spoke to me verbatim, and once it pisses people off, I’ll take the bullet so you can say the interview was taken out of context. Because we’re friends now, right?

According to Drew Brees, the NFL Lockout is almost over. According to Chad Ochocinco, it’s far from over. Either way, while the NFLPA* and team owners met into the late hours last night, James Harrison’s big mouth continues to be the top NFL news because that’s all we’ve got. Well, except for Hines Ward’s DUI, and he must be absolutely loving Harrison right now.

Harrison recently sat down for an interview with Paul Solotaroff of Men’s Journal, which I once read on an airplane, and he sounded off about everything from his hatred of Roger Goodell to his problems with his own teammates. And if you haven’t already read the article, Harrison really sounded off. Most notably, he called out Ben Roethlisberger for some mistakes in the Super Bowl and pointed out that he’s not Peyton Manning, he labeled Rashard Mendenhall as a “fumble machine”, he said that Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing is “juiced out of his mind”, and he called Roger Goodell many things, including (allegedly) a f*ggot. Harrison also defended his reputation, most notably as a thug, but… hey, did I mention that banner pic is the lead image from the article?

And with all of that on paper, published and available on magazine racks, Harrison claims he was misquoted and Solotaroff, the guy who says he has notebooks full of other quotes and hours of digital interviews, agrees.

“We talked about 11 o’clock yesterday morning,” Solotaroff said on Thursday. “Look, James is the guy who’s got to live with Ben for the next three years. . . . So as I told James, ‘Listen, whatever you’ve got to say to mend fences is perfectly fine with me.’” (Via Pro Football Talk)

That’s the quote that really should stop the story. Solotaroff is an admittedly big fan of Harrison, which moves this article from “insightful interview” to “sloppy knob polish” and renders it irrelevant, as far as journalistic integrity. Essentially, Solotaroff told Harrison that he can say whatever he wants and he’ll manipulate and fix it after the fact. As I learned in one of the few journalism classes I stayed awake during, that’s not kosher.

But what is relevant is that Harrison has a big mouth and he said a bunch of things that he can’t take back. Cushing has since said he would pray for Harrison, whatever that means, and it has been reported that Roethlisberger and Mendenhall will take Harrison at his word (translated: they’ll share some “What the f*ck”s in private). Goodell, though, is a different story. While he has his hands full trying to make sure that Harrison and the rest of the players have a job this season, I can’t imagine that he’s going to look to favorably upon a guy that he has never looked favorably upon.

Solotaroff on Harrison’s nasty hit on Cleveland Browns wide receiver Mohammed Massaquoi, for which Harrison was fined $75,000:

“Massaquoi is coming across the middle and only an idiot kid quarterback is going to lead his receiver — lead his receiver! — into a zone knowing that James Harrison is lurking back there.”

Take heed, NFL quarterbacks! Throw not toward James Harrison, lest ye be labeled a buffoon and wear the crown of shame!

On Goodell’s alleged targeting of Harrison:

“I was furious at the way James got done by Goodell last year. I thought making him the poster boy for this abrupt and arbitrary rule change . . . was about the most wrongheaded thing you could do, particularly since Goodell seemed bent on singling James out.”

Except there was no arbitrary rule change. Harrison was penalized more harshly than any previous player, but helmet-to-helmet and leading with the helmet were still already rules. Harrison argues that these rules don’t compensate for reaction time by the defender, which is a good point, but you don’t appeal something or change a rule by telling a reporter that you wouldn’t piss the NFL commissioner out if he were on fire. Basically, Solotaroff is Harrison’s cheerleader so he’s viewing it with gunmetal glasses on. Did Goodell target Harrison to set an example? Probably. That $75,000 fine was $25K more than the $50K fines that Dunta Robinson and Brandon Merriweather received the same day. But what does writing a “Let us know how you really feel” piece actually accomplish? I guess we’ll find out eventually.

Excerpts of Harrison on Goodell:

That is why he still boils over losing to Green Bay in last year’s Super Bowl: He wanted so badly to mount the postgame podium, snatch the trophy from Roger Goodell, and tell him to his face, on national TV, exactly where to stick those fines. “I’d have whispered in his ear, ‘Why don’t you quit and do something else, like start your own league in flag football?’ ”

“They take 10 plays out of 4,000 snaps and want to know my thought process on each,” he says. “What I tried to explain to Goodell, but he was too stupid to understand, is that dudes crouch when you go to hit them. With Massaquoi, my target area was his waist and chest, but he lowered himself at the last possible second and I couldn’t adjust to his adjustment. But Goodell, who’s a devil, ain’t hearing that. Where’s the damn discretion, the common sense?”

“My rep is James Harrison, mean son of a bitch who loves hitting the hell out of people,” he says. “But up until last year, there was no word of me being dirty — till Roger Goodell, who’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league. If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”

“I should have another ring. We were the best team in football in 2004, but the Patriots, who we beat during the regular season, stole our signals and picked up 90 percent of our blitzes [in the AFC title game]. They got busted for it later, but, hey, they’re Goodell’s boys, so he slapped ‘em $500,000 and burned the tapes. Was he going to rescind their Super Bowls? Man, hell no!”

On Roethlisberger:

“Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again. Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning. You ain’t that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does.”

A few months back, I scoured the depths of Deviant Art and a few other sites to dig up some of the most beautiful athlete fan art that we’ve ever seen, but a few days ago I realized that I left out another great resource – Etsy. An online marketplace for independent artists, jewelers, and general retailers, Etsy is apparently also a haven for people who love to make unique sports merchandise and memorabilia. Some friends and I have a little game we like to play, as we try to find more obscure and interesting (read: borderline absurd) items to send each other as birthday gifts. After all, why celebrate your friend’s team for him when you can induce shame just as easily?

Etsy turned out to be a treasure trove of paintings, knick knacks and clothing, so I did my best to limit the catalog today. But I’m pretty sure with this little collection, including that fantastic painting above, you’ll get the general idea of what you’ll find if you ever pull on your cyber galoshes and wade through the Etsy waters.

(Banner image via)

To put a little perspective to this one, the seller also has “Annoying Coworker” and Osama Bin Laden pinatas available. Act fast before Nike pulls them and launches the Hater Pinata line.

(Via)

Keep in mind, this purse might be taken back in two years.

(Via)

Perfect for people who love to throw babies.

(Via)

What better way to celebrate Big Ben’s wedding in July than by hanging this over your toilet?

(Via)

For the female Cleveland Browns fan that just can’t let go.

(Via)

I own 6.

(Via)

This is going to be worth a fortune when he retires soon. It feels like only 8 years ago he was a rookie. Damn, time flies.

(Via)

Some people think it’s one of the 10 best light bulbs ever.

(Via)

I expected this to be made for a black light.

(Via)

This is sure to wow at the L’il Miss Vicki Volunteer Pageant this year.

(Via)

Just keep the Manischewitz away from Miguel Cabrera.

(Via)

I won’t lie. I kinda want one of these.

(Via)

Clearly for the sport’s true enthusiasts.

(Via)

Perfect for college seniors to wear to whatever event they attend instead of the draft next year.

(Via)

At $750, it’s a bargain for your favorite sports memory.

(Via)

I enjoy this painting because Keith was a well-known smoker. It just makes me disappointed in the next painting.

(Via)

WHERE’S THE COCAINE??? That should also be the name of a sitcom starring them.

(Via)

People call this a great portrait, but the reality is that he was just surrounded with more talented paintings.

(Via)

So many different jokes rolled through my head. I’ll just say it’s a nice skirt.

(Via)

Perfect for the person who likes to mail it in.

(Via)

Rumor has it LaLa Anthony kept one in her purse.

(Via)

When you remove it, you shout, “Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooole!”

(Via)

They don’t make these for Kentucky because nothing clean is associated with John Calipari.

(Via)

This is perfect for your front porch stone goose or your actual pet goose.

(Via)

This is even better if you’re looking to start an entire football team of cats.

(Via)

Etsy seller JangoArts has created this series of animals imagined as classic baseball players and I want all of them. This is Kid Squirreley.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and former Milledgeville-area ladies’ man Ben Roethlisberger is revealing details of his engagement to Ashley Harlan. The couple is set to marry in July–a week before the Steelers open camp–amid heightened scrutiny from the media. I wonder why anyone in Pittsburgh would care about their quarterback’s engagement plans.

Among the highlights of Roethlisberger’s chat with Ed Bouchette: Ben is asking for donations to his foundation in lieu of wedding gifts, and that he and Harlan had dated “kind of on and off for five years.”

Ms. Harlan, a physician’s assistant who turns 27 in July, lives at home with her parents. Mr. Roethlisberger cited the couple’s religious faith and beliefs as the reasons for not living together until marriage. He also hopes she can continue to live her life out of the spotlight.

“I try to protect her as much as I can. People have gone to her parents’ house and have been doing some things,” Mr. Roethlisberger said of the media. “That bothers me a little bit because it’s what I do for a living, I have to deal with it, but her parents and her, that’s not what they have to do.”

–Pittsburgh P-G.

I wonder if he’ll have private security outside of his honeymoon suite to keep all of her friends at bay. I’m still amazed at how a guy like Ben can put on a new public facade and everyone beams, “Oh look how he’s changed.” Maybe he has, but this wasn’t personal growth achieved through striving for self-improvement. He got caught fooling around in a bar stall and it threatened his livelihood.

But yeah, religious beliefs now. Let’s see how that works out.

"Hooray, stemware!"

Update: We had a scheduling issue with this post yesterday, so in case you missed it, we’re bumping it to the top of the page. –JZ

Ben Roethlisberger may have turned 29 yesterday, but the bigger news is that his wedding is only 142 days away. And while we thought that Mr. Lack-of-Commitment would never find the right girl to hold tie him down, we were all proven wrong by Ashley Harlan, whose parents gave her a boy’s name, I might add. The couple will tie the knot in Pennsylvania on July 23, which means that your time to buy the happy couple a wedding gift is quickly running out.

So what exactly do you get for the man who takes whatever he wants has everything? Thankfully, the team of “journalists” at TMZ took time away from giving us in-depth coverage of Gaddafi’s threat to release Libya’s weapons cache to the masses to take on anyone who supports his removal to search retail web sites and dig up Big Ben’s wedding registry. What kinds of terrible things does this controversial NFL quarterback and alleged sexual deviant demand of his friends and family for his most blessed union?

Find out after the jump, and be warned that you’re about to become quite ill.

Price: $4.95
Amount Requested: 2

Our Verdict: This is a classic rich person wedding move. Weed out your cheap bastard friends by whoever purchases you the cheapest gift on the registry. Of course the bamboo chopsticks don’t match anything else on the registry, so clearly Ben is trying to set a trap for Hines Ward so the Steelers have a reason to cut him to sign someone younger and less Asian.

Price: $1,199
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: This is the perfect gift idea for the friend or family member who doesn’t mind looking like a total jerk when he arrives at the wedding. I mean, I’d feel pretty comfortable buying a set of plates or a margarita maker, but then here comes Maurkice Pouncey with this fancy ass chaise that he purchased with his Pro Bowl bonus. Hey Maurkice, kiss a little more ass, why don’t you?

Price: $14.95
Amount Requested: 2

Our Verdict: Another trap gift. Get him these glass refrigerator containers and see how quickly you receive a thank you card or especially an invite to Ben’s next poker night. You’ll be lucky to receive an invite to clean his indoor pool. But if I might add – TWO glass refrigerator containers? Ooh la la, your majesty.

Price: $19.95
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: Just a despicable message that Ben is sending to his guests here. A WHITE mixing bowl, Ben? I’ll bet this isn’t even a black tie affair. Let me guess – Mike Wallace was invited to the bachelor party but not the wedding. Class act, Roethlisberger.

Price: $8.95
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: For a guy who makes an average of $12.75 million per season, and was the highest paid player in the NFL in 2008 with a $27.7 million salary, Ben sure is asking for some cheap gifts. But if you are the guest who breaks the bank to pick up this working bowl with lid, here’s a helpful Burnsy wedding gift tip: wrap the bowl and lid separately so it looks like you’re giving two gifts. That’ll show Pouncey.

Price: $50 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4

Our Verdict: Now we’re talking scandal! This is just the angle that TMZ was digging for. Eight champagne glasses, Ben? Looks like someone has a little drinking problem. And at $50 a set, it seems like an expensive problem.

Price: $50 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4

Our Verdict: More wine, Mr. Roethlisberger? Then again, doctors say a glass of wine with your meal is good for the heart, but Ben has like 10 different styles of drinking glasses on his registry. If he’s not willing to admit it’s a problem, then maybe the people who are enabling him should.

Price: $24.99 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4

Our Verdict: I suppose we should envy the man who has more than one type of wine in his house. I know a little something about being fancy, too. I currently have two bottles of Boone’s Farm in the fridge and a half a bottle of Arbor Mist in my trunk. We’re a lot alike, Ben.

Price: $49.99 (Sale!)
Amount Requested: 20 (!)

Our Verdict: Finally. I was beginning to think that Ben was strictly on a liquid diet. Take it from me, Ben, we’re not in college anymore. Our bodies can’t take nonstop excessive drinking. I mean, sure you work out and exercise routinely, and I once claimed “gyms” as an allergy on my medical insurance, but it’s still essentially the same idea.

Price: $200
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: $200. For something that will hold Tostitos and salsa and/or queso. I don’t want to seem condescending toward a two-time Super Bowl champion or anything, but I had chips and queso the other night and I used a paper plate and the queso jar. It ain’t rocket science. If you want to feel fancy, maybe wear a monocle while you eat.

Price: $24.99 (Sale!) (set of four)
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: I have this coffee table that always shows glass and can rings, whether they’re dripping or not. So I was at a bar and noticed they had all these coasters and I took some and brought them home. I could totally snag some for you next time, Ben.

Price: $200
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: It really makes sense to have such an expensive serving tray that you probably won’t use that often, but when you do it will most likely be to present STAGG beef chunk chili to Brett Keisel when he comes over to watch Viking porn.

Price: $39.99 (Sale!)
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: Why go for the $200 serving bowl and the $40 serving tray, especially when they don’t even match? What is this, amateur hour? If I’m at Ben’s house and he tries to serve me Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Bagel Bites on a tray that doesn’t match the bowl holding the TGI Friday’s microwavable spinach dip, I am going to spit in his face.

Price: $125
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: Because when you’re serving booze to your guests, you want them to know the bagged ice you just bought from 7-11 is being poured into only the finest of wood/metal ice buckets. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill Georgia highway Motel 8 ice bucket, this is Nambe, mother f*cker.

Price: $25.00
Amount Requested: 1

Our Verdict: I suppose if you’re going to be traveling for 6-7 months of the year, you’re going to want to make sure that your $75 salad bowls are protected from luggage thieves. Gotta look out for the important things in life, bro.