Not the bees! AHHHHHHH Ahgarbulagabah my eyes! my eyes! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHhhhurgh!

Coors Field and the Colorado Rockies were overrun by a swarm of bees during Thursday afternoon’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, and because DenverPost.com used “Coors Field was buzzing” and “bee-lieve it” puns in the first two sentences of their report, I’ll let them handle the recap:

In the fifth inning, a swarm of bees staked claim to a post in a camera well near the Rockies’ dugout. The sudden invasion by the winged creatures sent Rockies players scurrying to the opposite end of the dugout.

The game was halted briefly when Diamondbacks first-base coach Eric Young Sr. was forced away from his position, and photographers and TV cameramen fled the bees. The players never left the diamond.

Here’s the video, if you’re into plague footage:

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"Viva la revolucion!"

On Sunday, Chinese sports fans from around the country flocked to Shaoyang City for what I assume is the country’s national pastime – Bee-bearding. Two men registered for the event. Two. Out of the infinity-plus-a-billion population of China, only two people had the gāowáns to stand around and let thousands of bees hang out on their skin. I totally would have flown to China and competed but I also had my pushups-while-fighting-sharks competition training this weekend, so it was a scheduling conflict.

The competitors were 42-year old Wang Dalin and 20-year old Lc Kongjiang, making this a true battle of the ages. It’s like Nolan Ryan pitching against Tim Lincecum, except if they were Chinese and covered in bees. Each competitor was fitted with a type of necklace that held a queen bee in a tiny cage, which in turn attracted all of the bees to the men. They had one hour to attract as many bees as possible as they stood on a scale, which measured their weight before and after. I’m not fully versed on the rules, but I assume there is a clause for soiled drawers.

In the end, the elder bee-beard proved champion, as he accumulated 26 kilograms of live bees, while Kongjiang was only able not scream like a woman while 22.9 kg of bees tap danced on his flesh. That means that the world record of American Mark Biancaniello (350,000 bees!) is still safe. So at least we didn’t lose to all of Asia this weekend.

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We sometimes receive video and picture tips that are rather vague, and they’re not always easy for our crack research team (read: two homeless guys addicted to meth) to figure out. For instance, Croatian bodybuilder Robopanda sent me a clip of a soccer match this morning, and while I know that I can call Las Carretas for catering services, I don’t know much else about this game, nor do I need to. Because there’s not a chance in hell that I would ever go to a soccer field that is also home to a billion bees.

During this soccer match of unknown origins, bees swarmed the field and attacked the players, and while I’m no beeologist, I do know that if you’re being attacked by a bee, let alone thousands of bees, you need to get the F out of Dodge. You are not supposed to lie down and stay perfectly still and/or swing your arms wildly as if fending off a rapist. Additionally, I think it’s safe to say that you shouldn’t drape a large piece of cloth over someone being attacked by bees to trap them in with his face. But maybe these soccer players knew something I don’t.

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