Louis C.K’s New, New Testament: 20 Commandments to Live By - “When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” [Warming Glow]
ROFLMNBAO: Kobe’s Black Mask, 2012-2012 - If you missed yesterday’s feature, you missed out on Kobe as the Hamburglar. That’s not a thing you should be missing. [With Leather]
Topher Grace (Yes, That Topher Grace) Just Vastly Improved The Star Wars Prequels - The best part of this is knowing that no matter how complex a nerd might be, he’s still got the guy with glasses in this video to make him look bad. [Gamma Squad]
Dear David Stern, Stare Downs Aren’t Worth Techs - They should start giving technical fouls for “being excited” and make everyone play with their arms down to their sides. [Smoking Section]
What The Hell Is All This ‘#Kony2012′ Crap About? - It’s a viral ad campaign to get my teenage cousin super into defending the planet against monsters, at least until next week when she forgets she learned about it. [UPROXX]
Elderly Viral Phenom Completely Flummoxed By Her Sudden Internet Fame - I read about this lady. Columns were made available to suit my pleasure. It enjoyed them. They were great and nice. [UPROXX]
‘Lone Ranger’ First Look: Johnny Depp Is Wearing A Birdhat - Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in some kind of contest to see which one can be declared a minority first, aren’t they? [Film Drunk]
Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - If you read part one, THIS one actually features me. My match features wardrobe malfunctions, but not the ones you’re imagining. [DirtyDirtySheets]
Coors Is Going To Start Making Iced Tea Flavored Beer - Great, another disgusting thing for me to not drink! [Buzzfeed]
Rush Limbaugh vs. Inspirational Feminist Quotes - The next time anyone (“right” or “left”) says something inflammatory to get publicity, we should say, “whatever, you’re paid by people to be inflammatory and get publicity, we’re ignoring you”, put them in a box, ship them to Siberia and move the hell on. [HuffPost Comedy]
10 Weirdest ‘Animals Eating Themselves’ Pictures Ever - Nothing makes that pork chop taste better than imagining the pig happily slaughtering itself! [The FW]
Ten Actors We Wish Were More Talented Than They Are - This list really does begin and end with Alexis Bledel. I’d also put Aly Michalka on here, because ‘Phil of the Future’ was great. [Pajiba]
Our 10 Favorite Adam Sandler Leading Ladies in Movies - #1-10: Jill. #11, whoever was in Little Nicky. [Unreality]
He does a fine job of unhooking a line of womens’ bras (while they’re wearing bunny masks, which makes me think this whole thing’s being orchestrated by Sander Cohen) and at the end he rides away on a three-wheeler while “Born To Be Wild” plays. I think a good litmus test for personal worth is to watch the video and note any instances of you thinking, “wow, this is cool!” The only way I can think to explain it is as the gender equivalent of Brock Lesnar murdering prairie dogs with machine guns.
Every now and then a pro wrestling-related clip nobody should’ve seen pops up on the Internet and decides to go viral. Today’s clip, courtesy of our friends at Buzzfeed, is quite possibly the most masculine thing ever recorded and a living interpretation of every Chuck Norris joke you’ve heard as performed by monster trucks, electric guitar and Sgt. Slaughter. To catch you up to speed:
Following his third tour of duty in Vietnam, Sgt. Slaughter retired from service to pursue his life long dream of wrestling. After gaining the world championship belt and super stardom, the Sgt then moved onto rock star, monster truck tug of war champion and GI JOE. They just don’t make them like they used to.
Highlights of the video include the finest of 1980s girls in Bud trucker hats, the tape wearing out at the part where a lady starts jacking off an exhaust pipe, Sarge’s “battle battalion” not looking too different from the Village People and a bunch of monster truck and funny car drivers calmly lip syncing parts they should be screaming. In case you were wondering, Sgt. Slaughter did all those things in the blockquote but the guy who played him didn’t — he actually started off as a flamboyant character in the mid-70s, and if you need confirmation of military time not served, listen to Jesse “The Body” Ventura (Navy UDT veteran and former Navy SEAL) talk about it.
Regardless, the fictional version of the army guy had a pretty amazing life up until the Gulf War, when he decided to side with Iraq. Man, Sgt. Slaughter was always kind of a lying jerk, wasn’t he? Those Joe PSAs are meaningless now. I’m gonna go put my fingers in the light sockets no matter what Flint tells me. Ah well, at least you can’t take “monster truck tug of war champion” away from him.
“Pregaming” was a big part of watching college football for me when I was in school, as I’m sure it was (or is, or will be) for you. If a nice, happy buzz for a noon kickoff is your thing, you’ve got to get your drink on by 8 or 9 in the morning. West Virginia University thinks that’s too much drinking for one morning, and instead would like you to pound your brews at the stadium itself, according to a proposal submitted to the school.
“We rely on our public safety folks to advise us, and they believe that there are two periods of binge drinking at our tailgates — one is pregame, when people quote-unquote get their buzz on, and then at halftime,” says [WVU athletic director Oliver] Luck, who admits his beer sales proposal may seem counterintuitive. “We can take care of halftime; we can’t really take care of pregame. And so we think that controlled sales will lead to folks feeling as though they don’t have to consume as much alcohol as possible” before entering the stadium.
The plan does permit students of age to drink, provided that they are not sitting in designated student sections. This actually makes some degree of sense if the beer sales are affordable and closely monitored, and it sounds like the Mountaineers are planning to satisfy both of those. Selling alcohol at the stadium itself also ensures that employees are trained to identify and deal with drunken behavior, as required by law pretty much everywhere. Naturally, not everyone is terribly impressed with this plan:
West Virginia’s alcohol sales fate could be sealed June 3, when the Board of Governors is likely to decide whether to rewrite established policy prohibiting alcohol sales in any WVU athletic venues. The logic of Luck’s proposal has been questioned in countless small-town newspaper editorials, yet it is supported by WVU’s president…
If you’re a 21-year-old and you have the chance to buy beer legally at the stadium, would you do that instead of trying to cram all of your drinking in beforehand, or trying to smuggle a flask in your back pocket? I think you would.