Throughout my formative drinking years, I was never much of a chugger. While the other bros were out back shotgunning Keystone cans, I was standing in the corner, ashamed of my inability to binge drink effectively, always blaming it on my deviated septum. So you can imagine how my shame has resurfaced as I watch this video of a girl who can supposedly chug beer through her ear.

As an expert of human language and placing dialect, I can tell that this young lady is not from America. After that, you’re guess is as good as mine as far as whether or not this is humanly possible or if she is just a fake. But why the hell would someone pretend to be someone they’re not on the Internet?

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Justin Smoak popped a fly ball into a fan’s beer during Wednesday’s Mariners game, so the fan did what anyone would — he chugged the beer. Or he poured it all over himself, one or the other. Regardless, those 16 fans at Safeco got a memory they’ll never forget! (via SportsBeat)

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I don’t have a lot of reasons for this to exist, other than March Madness happening and everybody in the world doing a March Madness thing. Here, I’ll let them explain it:

Our officially unofficial video about a month-that-rhymes-with-starch insanity featuring building block men playing games of round hoops. #NoBollocks

That … didn’t help.

Anyway, this is exactly the way to spend a few minutes on a Friday afternoon. Not-especially-well animated Lego guys recreate classic basketball moments, but not really, because the team names and players are all wrong, like they ran the script through a translator and back again, so Christian Laettner becomes “Christina,” UNC becomes the Carolina Dirty Feet, and so on. The best part is either the scathing condemnation of Chris Webber’s life, which is still totally deserved, or the incredibly morose ending, which fits neither a Lego basketball video nor a beer commercial. So … congratulations on making this awesome thing, weirdos.

Some day Lamar Odom is going to have to be honest about his marriage, and thanks to some scientists in the United Kingdom, he just lost his biggest excuse. Smart bros at Durham University – go Bulls! – have released a very important study that may forever stick a dagger in the heart of the Beer Goggles theory.

According to some big words and fancy science talk, chasing 3’s and 4’s at last call can no longer be blamed on blurred vision and tricks of the mind, and instead can all be written off as just plain, old bein’ horny.

Study author psychologist Dr. Amanda Ellison said that alcohol doesn’t make people look more attractive, it just increases their level of lust.

“There is no imagined physical transformation, just more desire,” Allison said, according to MSNnow.com. “Alcohol switches off the rational and decision-making areas of the brain while leaving the areas to do with sexual desire relatively intact.” (Via the HuffPo)

Look, I know I’m gonna catch some crap for this at the next BRO meeting, but I have to interject in this stupid, stupid, STUPID waste of time and money. I mean, there are doctors out there who are doing important things, like curing toddlers of AIDS and making beer with higher alcohol percentages. But these limey quacks? They’re just telling us what we already know and slapping “SCIENCE” on it in big red letters.

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I’m a huge sucker for anything Americana, which is why I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong era, but then I wouldn’t want to live in any decade that didn’t have the Internet or white rappers. That sh*t would be crazy boring, yo. But with the shameful soul of a hipster, I love to look at the past and admire how easy those schmucks had it, you know, aside from the wars and polio and stuff like that. At least people in the 50s only had newspapers, radio and one TV channel to scare the crap out of them. I shiver thinking about FOX News and MSNBC terrorizing us through the Cold War.

So what’s my point, you ask, well it’s that this morning I fell into one of my typical Internet wormholes thanks to the above image of an ad that Budweiser ran to celebrate Miguel Cabrera becoming the first Major League Baseball player to win the Triple Crown since 1967. Being an old soul, I still think that winning the Triple Crown is an amazing achievement, so I like to ignore the new breed of VORPers and WAR mongers when they say that Miggy shouldn’t win the MVP. But that’s another argument for another day.

I started perusing the webs for other vintage beer ads and I came to several conclusions: 1) Beer companies in the 40s and 50s wanted people to die, because they loved suggesting that people drink while doing things like skiing and riding horses; 2) Being an ad exec back then must have been 10-times cooler than Mad Men suggests; 3) White people, am I right?; and 4) I’m thirsty now.

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Nick Symmonds: Bro.

I have a ton of respect for America’s Olympic athletes, from the young ladies of the Fierce 5 to the members of the Men’s Basketball Team (yes, even LeBron James) and even for a stuttering human meatloaf like Ryan Lochte. But it’s time for Lochte to step his game up, because there’s a new, bolder bro in town and his name is Nick Symmonds.

While Lochte’s been off filming stints on 90210 and frolicking with Prince Harry’s ginger B-hole in Las Vegas pools, Symmonds has kept his training going strong beyond the Olympics. Not content with his 5th place finish (a personal best) in the 800m race at the 2012 Summer Games, Symmonds has taken his competitive nature to new heights, as he recently competed for the world record in the legendary Beer Mile.

The point of the beer mile is to chug one beer before running each lap on a ¼ mile track, which sounds awesome because I’m really good at that chugging beer part. Unfortunately, I suck at the running part. Symmonds, on the other hand is awesome at both, and he trained for his recent record attempt in the worst possible fashion.

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