That’s it, folks. Shut down the news for the rest of the year. We’ve got the most incredible, most scandalous news that is going to rock the very foundation of journalism itself this morning – despite the fact that it has already been reported elsewhere. However, when we pick a story up, things happen. Outrage grows. Fists are shaken in rage. So first, Leatherheads, the backdrop for this intense scandal…

Last Friday, 15 women vied for the title of 2012 Miss Bum Bum Brasil, which if you remember from earlier this year, is the world’s foremost competitive pageant for determining which Brazilian woman has the nicest backside. Of the women in this year’s contest, 25-year old Carine Felizardo (middle above) was declared the winner. Andressa Urach finished in second, while Camila Vernaglia took home 3rd place. In our book, though, they’re all champions.

As for her new title, Felizardo was incredibly humble and grateful for this supreme posterior honor.

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Controversial Statement of the Day: Brazilian women are awesome. Stop it. Stop arguing with me. You cannot change my mind, no matter how hard you try. Why am I being so arrogant in my opinion? Because I discovered the Miss Bum Bum Brasil competition this week, and the way I look at competitions that feature very attractive women will forever be altered.

Now, my Portuguese is a little rusty, in that I don’t know any, so I had to depend on Google’s translation of the Bum Bum Brasil website to know what this contest is all about. So I’ll let the organization’s leaders explain:

In its second edition in Brazil, Miss Bottom 2012 will present the 27 candidates who will represent their states to choose the country’s most beautiful bottom. I wonder who gets this title?

Each year the competition gets more space in the media, in 2011 the model Rosana Ferreira took the title , second place with this presenter Graciella Carvalho who recently signed a contract with Multishow and “bronze medal” with this actress Mariana Freitas.

I think I get it so far. What else?

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Everything is coming up Germany as the newest Miss Germany was crowned, and while this has nothing to do with actual sports, it does involve competition, those crazy krauts in Germany, and a cow pageant. That’s right, Miss Germany is a cow, and not in the sense of “Hey bro, did you see the cow that D-Bone came home with the other night?” She’s a big old bovine beauty, and last week Krista the cow not only one this year’s title, but she also became a back-to-back champion.

To get her in top form for the competition, Krista’s owner sent her to a special training camp, where she was washed and brushed daily, in addition to being acclimated to the noise and stress that are part of each pageant. But it wasn’t exactly a supermodel-style weight-loss program. The cow from the town of Grossenkneten in Lower Saxony was actually encouraged to beef up with hay to achieve a round belly and firm, buxom udder.

For the owners, the beauty pageant is just for fun. But there is some pride that comes with helping a contestant make it to the top. Krista’s breeder, Jörg Seeger, was photographed giving the cow a happy kiss after her big win. (Spiegel Online)

Well of course he kissed her after he witnessed that firm, buxom udder. I’m getting so hot just thinking about it right now. But I’ll be honest, this all seems a bit tame for Germany, and I look forward to finding out that Krista is now a techno music superstar with a goat bondage porn addiction.

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El Perro de la Langosta dice, "Caramba! Ese un hombre con la muneta!"

In news that’s a few weeks old and should have never happened, grown men from across Venezuela gathered in the country’s capital city, Caracas, on December 11 to compete for the title of Miss Barbie Venezuela. Adult males primped and preened the classic Barbie dolls by styling their hair and creating custom dresses, then they gave their dolls extensive backgrounds – careers, educations, philanthropic work, etc. – and shared them with the audience as if they were actually beauty pageant contestants. And can you believe it, not once did they make their Barbie dolls have sex with a Stretch Armstrong.

The winner of this year’s Venezuela title was someone who does not deserve the effort of a Google search, and he can proudly go on to compete at the 2011 Miss Barbie Universe pageant, which will take place in the 7th circle of hell.

Anyway, video of the Miss Barbie Venezuela pageant surfaced over the weekend, and if you think your life sucks, well, don‘t go dropping a toaster in your bubble bath just yet. There she is, Miss Barbie Venezuela, after the jump…

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While a beauty pageant is hardly a sport, it is indeed a competition and every so often a pageant comes along that deserves some extra attention. For instance, Angela Scognamiglio bested a field of portly princesses on Saturday to become the new Miss Chubby. Angela weighed in for the contest at 170 kg, which translates to approximately 340 pounds if my international Tons-of-Funometer is correct. When hearing of her conquest, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offered Angela a six-year deal.

The 20-year old pageant program has one qualifying rule – women must weigh more than 200 pounds. Coincidentally, I shared this same rule for one very shameful semester of college. Angela said she felt like she “won the lottery” by being crowned Miss Chubby, while her proud father declared, “You see-a my bambina? You-a want-a to marry her-a now, yes? Please?”

Breathe heavily while trying to tell us the story, Associated Foreign Press:

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