Yesterday, the word on the street was that Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen had done the physically improbable and shaved a grizzly bear into the back of his head. He wanted his initiation into the Hair Bair Bunch to be a surprise, so no pictures were provided. Well, a day has passed, and pictures were provided.

To your right is a picture of what it looks like when you get a reverse bear face, and somehow it is completely awesome. I especially like the grizzly’s sparkling eyes, as well as how the whole thing looks like it was outlined in chalk. Maybe the grizzly is emerging from snow with a mouthful of Milk of Magnesia. The good news for Memphis is that the sight of a scary bear has rendered the San Antonio Spurs completely helpless.

More players should follow Allen’s lead and shave logos into the backs of their heads. Even the white players. Especially the white players. Logos, catchphrases, whatever. Kobe Bryant can shave a snake into his hair on one side and Vlade Divac on the other. I want Dirk Nowitzki to recreate his horrible WELCOME TO DALLAS, DIRK AT WORK road signs and basketballs t-shirt somewhere on his skull. Give him glitter eyes and chalk mouth.

[via Chris Vernon]

It’s pretty common knowledge that Jared Allen is an awesome individual. The Vikings defensive end maintained his badassitude over the offseason, by traveling all over the country to kill as many things as possible. His favorite game to hunt? Bear, of course. Take notes, effeminate males everywhere.

“Oh yeah, I got black bear up in Idaho, I got a pure David deer down in Florida. I think that’s about all. Let’s see. Some coyotes and stuff like that down in Texas. But probably the thing I was most excited about was the black bear I got up there in Idaho.” –Game On

Unlike Oregon Trail, however, Jared couldn’t just leave what he killed lying around to rot. Brett Favre requires that him to use every part of the bear to thank its spirit for the bounty. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to John for the tip on this: An ice skating bear in Russia (not pictured) killed one of its trainers and wounded another during a circus rehearsal in Kyrgyzstan. This is why it kicks ass to be a bear. When you reach middle age as a human, all you can do is buy a more expensive car. But if you’re a bear, you can eat people!

Workers had to drag the bear away during the attack, according to the director of the arena, Kurmangazy Isanayev.

The exits were closed off as staff waited for the emergency services.

Police shot the bear dead at the scene. –Fox News.

Sky News reports that over 3,000 animals work in Russian circuses. Leave it to a former communist regime to eradicate animal unemployment within 20 years. If they ever teach those bears how to shoot guns, the fall of the Western world will be eminent. Let’s hope they learn how to roll joints and illegally download music first.

Don’t even TRY to tell me that this is digitally manipulated or somehow fake.  I don’t want to live in a world where bears don’t play hockey.

A Montana teacher suffered some cuts and bruises but was otherwise okay after he struck a bear while riding his bicycle to school.

Jim Litz said he was traveling about 25 mph Monday morning when he came upon a rise and spotted a black bear about 10 feet in front of him. He didn’t have time to stop and T-boned the bruin.

He tumbled over the handlebars, his helmet hit the bear’s back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

The bear rolled over Litz’s head, cracking his helmet, and scratched his back before scampering up a hill above the road.

A funnier thing would have been if the bear had been riding the bicycle.  I saw that at the circus when I was young.  Mom and Dad cleaned the elephant cage, and I sold tickets.

(Photo: AP/Michael Gallacher, “Ouch my spleen”)

As print magazines die a slow death and blogs like this one lessen the impact of long-form sports journalism (sorry about that, Pat Jordan), Sports Illustrated keeps trying to re-package itself as a "brand" with an "online presence" and other corporate buzzwords.

What they need to do is just highlight all the stuff they used to write about.  -Women: Should They Be Allowed on Golf Courses?  -Are Negros the Future of Basketball? And of course the beauty pictured here, -Holy Fuck!  Fucking Bears!  Kill Them!  Killlllll Themmmmm!