Like most guys, I’m obsessed with gadgets and tech crap, and I’ll look for just about any reason in the world to buy something that’s new and has all the cool kids raving. I spent about 30 minutes reading up on the GoPro camera recently, trying to figure out if I had any reason in the world to buy one. I had no reason at all, it turns out.
I’m not active enough, unless people are dying to see me swim five laps in my pool or suck at golf, so it would just sit on my shelf and collect dust like my Harvard diplomas. And after watching the above video, I’m pretty sure that I’d be killed by a bear just by owning one.
Normally, if you had told me that you had a video of a bear and monkey racing on bicycles, I’d hug you and call you my new best friend. But when said video ends in absolute horror, like with the bear mauling the monkey, then I do not believe I would be as happy. In fact, I’d be downright upset. Probably upset enough that I’d invoke the assistance of PETA.
A video of such a monkey and bear bicycle race was posted to Live Leak on Sunday, and if you are easily upset by a bear attacking a monkey, I’d suggest not looking at this. But I know my audience, so here you go.
There are a lot of great reasons to run; it improves your cardiovascular health, prevents muscle and bone loss, improves coordination and can help you both lose weight and gain confidence. On the other hand, there are negative aspects to running, such as BEARS FINDING YOU AND ATTACKING YOU AND KILLING YOU.
While this story isn’t that severe, it’s a great cautionary tale about how you should never run unless you’re running from something. Two cross-country teams from Camas High School in Washington had their meets delayed due to bear sightings, including an amazingly dramatic event on Tuesday that ended when an adult runner who’d been jogging ahead of the pack came back to warn everyone that (and allow me to italicize this) a group of unsuspecting teens were charging into a bear attack.
A local news report of the sightings with video and photo of the bear in question (who doesn’t look particularly ferocious, but in a fight between cross-country teens and a bear, I’m picking the f**king bear) is below.
The 10 Freakiest Commercials of 2011 - That ‘Dead Island’ announcement trailer really is fantastic, and I wish any part of the actual game was as good as it. Also, I want somebody to make a Skyrim trailer like this with a guy taking an arrow in the knee in reverse, ending with him as an adventurer like me. [Warming Glow]
The Robert Downey Jr. Acting Venn Diagram - I feel like Chaplin should be in here somewhere. [UPROXX]
This Week in Posters: Battleships, Ghost Riders, & Spider-Men - The funniest thing I’m going to see all week is another goddamn Spider-Man origin story advertised as “untold”. Starving kids in Africa know Spider-Man’s origin, just shut up and make him fight Electro. [Film Drunk]
Four Theories on Why the Internet Has Such a Massive Almost Unexplainable Crush on Alison Brie - Nice science, Pajiba. She’s a gorgeous woman who seems nice and she has big boobs, end of experiment. [Pajiba]
Observe The Phanatic In Its Natural Habitat - I didn’t want this to get bumped completely off the page yet, because it’s one of the best things I’m ever going to share with you. [With Leather]
Before Hollywood Ruins Them: 15 Sci-Fi and Supernatural Scripts On The 2011 Black List - Somebody throw Seven Hill City on there, I’ve almost convinced people to just come film it guerrilla style in Austin. [Gamma Squad]
Waka Flocka On Wiz Khalifa’s Success: “All Hype” - Also, payola. [Smoking Section]
Christina Hendricks Is Johnnie Walker’s New Internet Sales Rep - hey christina, your boobs would look a lot better if you didn’t smash them against your chest and throttle yourself with them [UPROXX]
Stop Whatever You’re Doing And Watch This Video Of Dogs Hanging Out Of Car Windows - Seriously, do that. [UPROXX]
The 45 Best Mugshots Of 2011 - The 100 Best Buzzfeed Lists Of Things That Happened In 2011 2011. [Buzzfeed]
OCD Dog Hates When Kitchen Cabinets Are Left Open - I need this dog, I’ve got some Sixth Sense shit happening in my house. [The FW]
7 Things to Watch for From the Golden Globe and SAG Nominations - #1: whether or not anybody actually watched Hugo, because it is better than anything being nominated. [Moviefone]
A Gallery of Classic 8-Bit Mashups from Drew Wise - He’s the guy that designed the potato chips bags! [Unreality]
Direct Messaging For UPROXX Commenters Is Here! - I’m still not 100% on why this is necessary, but hey, new feature! [UPROXX]
The Best Of #Troy And Abed - Cool. Cool cool cool. [UPROXX]
Re-Take: 25 Celebs Playboy Should Have Spent A Million Bucks On - Some of these are great, but come on, Christina Hendricks? She’s pretty, but the Playboy Photoshoppers would break their hands. [Smoking Section]
If Your 5 Favorite Memes Offered Online Degrees - None of these are as funny as the Education Connection Girl. “I WENT on the inter-NET!” Fantasy threesome: me, Flo from Progressive, the Education Connection lady. [Gamma Squad]
James Franco Reviewed Twilight - So did I. “Twilight is terrible, everybody knows that, right? Okay, the end.” [Film Drunk]
Game of Thrones Teaser Trailer: Needs More Tyrion Bitch-Slapping Joffrey - I was going to watch season one of ‘Game Of Thrones’, but then I took an arrow in the knee. [Warming Glow]
This Jim Henson Tribute Art Show Rainbow Connects With Our Hearts - Argh, my heart. Seriously, even pictures of Jim Henson make me want to burst into tears now. [UPROXX]
The Best And Horrifically Worst Of The 2011 Air Sex World Championships - In case you missed it yesterday, here are a few of the bravest people in Texas making love to ghosts. [With Leather]
Plastic Bag Turns Boring TV Interview Into Must-See TV - This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. [The FW]
Friendly Waving Bear Is Friendly, Waving - I don’t know if Reddit knows it or not, but YouTube is FULL of videos of bears waving. I’m surprised this isn’t a thing already. [High Definite]
Game Over: The Greatest Video Game Maneuver Ever Accomplished - Like every story you’ve heard someone tell a cashier at Gamestop come to life. Let’s get the Mythbusters or whoever to see if somebody could do this in real life. [Unreality]
25 Things You Didn’t Know About Three Amigos - haha I didn’t know there were 25 THINGS about Three Amigos. [Moviefone]
The 10 Most Bad Ass Movie Posters of 2011 - Somehow “Harry Potter looking at Voldemort” got called “bad ass”. We have weird standards. [Pajiba]
If you’re familiar with our A Guide to Recognizing Your Mascots series (specifically the Northwest League edition) you’re familiar with Eugene Emeralds mascot “Sluggo”, a chatty, lime-green bear with abandonment and voyeurism issues. It should come as no surprise to you that Sluggo has now made National News™ by instructing a child to kick a tree in the gonads because he lost a game of musical chairs.
The moment happened during the Emeralds’ “Blue Balls Night” promotion last month and marred the event, Eugene’s second most popular promotion behind “Cockblock Saturdays”. Two ball boys engage in a game of musical chairs with secondary mascot “Douglas Fir”. Douglas cheats to win, shoving one of the little boys out of the seat at the last minute, and because we’re a part of a weird society that rewards horrible behavior in young people, Sluggo blatantly instructs the kid to boot DF between the roots. The announcers even call it “karma”. Shaking my damn head, Eugene Emeralds.
I think true karma would be for Douglas Fir to die and for those kids eventually suffocate to death because they chopped him down and f**ked their own air supply.