Good morning. This is a drawing I made.

Hi! Danger Guerrero from Warming Glow here. It’s Brandon’s birthday, so Burnsy and I are running the show today. GET PUMPED UP STAY PUMPED UP. One important With Leather-related question before I get started: wtf is a CM Punk? Is it a music store? Like a Sam Goody that only sells Blink 182 CDs? I bet that’s it.

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Links

Lana Del Rey Was Impossibly Awful On SNL Last Night – I want to be nice here. I do. So instead of saying something mean like “Lana Del Rey’s performance was like a trainwreck where the train fell off a bridge and into the water and it later caused a shipwreck and everyone on the train and ship drowned and went to hell and a puppy saw it happen and cried,” I’ll just wish her better luck in the future. Keep your head up, kid. [UPROXX]

Tebowie Throws From Station To Station – Tim Tebow? Never heard of him. [With Leather]

Armond White Gets Asked About FilmDrunk – In which Armond White calls Vince “a little mole.” OO OO, DO ME NEXT! [Film Drunk]

Lollipop Chainsaw Has A Predictably Emo Villain, Cheerleader Upskirts – I thought really hard about clicking on this link to find out what in the holy hell “Lollipop Chainsaw” is, but I was pretty sure whatever it was would be a letdown. I mean, how could it not be? LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW. I think this is what they mean by “ignorance is bliss.” [Gamma Squad]

Best Guy Ever Alert – If I could grow facial hair like the guy in the picture at right, I would throw all my shaving supplies in the ocean. [@MichaelDavSmith]

Most Important Breaking News: Telemundo Still Awesome – If you only watch one video today where an attractive Telemundo weatherlady is the victim of a green screen prank so it looks like her head is attached to a dancing fat guy in a Speedo, make it this one, won’t you? [Warming Glow]

Kobe Bryant Unveils The #KobeSystem: Success For The Successful – The following things are true: 1) Kobe is a creep. 2) He almost definitely did badtimesex with that lady in Colorado. 3) This commercial is pretty cool. It’s what I would call “a low-level Michael Jackson situation.” [Smoking Section]

Drinking 3 Beers With No Hands In 37 Seconds – Cool. Now drink them with your hands at a normal pace like a goddamn adult. [Buzzfeed]

Victoria’s Secret’s ‘Angel Island’ Seems Like a Nice Place to Spend the Winter – Concur. [Brobible]

The 10 Least Successful Spin-Offs In TV History – I will never understand what Matt LeBlanc was thinking when he signed up for “Joey.” He was a multi-multi-millionaire by age 40 after “Friends.” I’d have been on Angel Island drinking boat drinks in the sun. Work is for the birds and poor people. [The FW]

Tila Tequila is converting to Judaism – Makes sense. She always struck me as someone who was really into the Old Testament. [FARK]

Five Ways “Star Trek” And Star Wars Are Better Than Each Other – I’m sure this particular link may appeal to many of you, and I wish you nothing but the best with your beakers and quadratic formulas and other assorted geekery. Please do not hack me. [Pajiba]

A Jawdropping Gallery of Fairytale Fantasies – What is this? Nerd day? I’m posting a Slayer song after the jump. [Unreality]

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Sports

LOLNFL: Preseason 2011 Week 1 - The reasonable adult approach to professional sports is to wait for the pictures to go up and put a bunch of block letter words over them. It helps you cope with things like “collusion” and “being a Dolphins fan”. I had to make a fake AIM chatroom about baseball before I could handle it again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

With Leather

Miley Cyrus: Bowling Legend - The next morning I’m wishing I’d gone with the headline BOWLING PARTY IN THE USA. Burnsy has started a Tumblr account to make things come out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina, so click this and see where it all began. I’m going to make a Tumblr about things going INTO Miley’s vagina. Wait, E! already does that. |With Leather]

The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

The Best of the First Annual Los Angeles Beard and Mustache Championships - They should give a supplementary award to the “Most Likely To Be A Member Of Kings Of Leon”. [With Leather]

You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing - Amanda Seyfried with black hair is one small step toward the perfect woman. Justin Timberlake holding a gun and showing up in every movie is a giant leap backwards. I guess we have to put up with these things until he figures out another way to sing “ooh baby”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Friend Zone Fiona Is Someone We All Know and Love - Hilarious and spot-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected and had to sit through an hour-long explanation as to why I’m such a great and awesome friend. [UPROXX]

Marvel’s Sexy Pajamas Turn Real Women into Fantasies - I will buy these for my girlfriend on two conditions. One, they stop putting dumb phrases on the thigh. Two, they make one for Dazzler. [Gamma Squad]

WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

Just because we’ve previously covered the incredibly prestigious World Beard and Mustache Championships, we’re not opposed to covering facial hair contests on the regional circuit, especially when it’s for the betterment of the U.S. of A. On Sunday, the city of Los Angeles played host to its own inaugural Beard and Mustache Championships, and with it came a parade of hipster glory.

More than 100 competitors showed up to the Federal Bar in North Hollywood to display their flavor savers, but only 25 of them would walk away with honors. Unimpressed? The ladies sure weren’t.

The lip spinach wasn’t all that was in abundance in the crowd that organizers estimated climbed to nearly 300 over the course of the day — roughly half were females — assorted spouses, gal pals and a fair number of what appeared to be beard and mustache groupies, some sporting stick-on ‘staches, others with knit beards or temporary tonsorial tattoos or T-shirts that combined a heart-and-handlebar design. (L.A. Times)

Awards were given in the categories of Business Beard, Partial Beard, Mustache, Freestyle, and Full Beard, but I can’t focus on the winners until I point out a travesty. In the Partial Beard category, Robert Broski, a name that Jay Cutler would kill for, was awarded third place despite being an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. The only defense I could accept is that his presence was too unfair to the other competitors. Because in my America, Honest Abe never loses.

Enjoy the best of L.A.’s 1st Annual Beard and Mustache Championships after the jump.

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As a grown man who can only grow random small patches of hair on his face, I’ve admired Pittsburgh Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel and his beard for quite some time. And now he’s throwing his inane ability to grow massive amounts of facial hair in my face, as he will shave it off next Thursday to benefit Children’s Hospital, as well as to symbolize a new beginning of luck and fortune for the Pittsburgh Steelers, since he will be growing a new awesome beard.

Well aren’t you cool, Mr. I Can Grow Facial Hair Whenever I Want?

Keisel will be shaved by celebrity barbers beginning at 7 p.m at the Diesel Club Lounge, 1601 East Carson St.

Doors will open at 6 p.m.. Food and door prizes will be included. Tickets are available for a $25 donation to Children’s Hospital and can be ordered by visiting http://www.showclix.com/event/shearthebeard. (Via Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)

Brett, who was named to the Pro Bowl this year as a replacement for Dwight Freeney (I assume because his beard is terrible), became famous over this past season for this beard that he is so carelessly throwing away, with Twitter and Facebook accounts created to honor its awesomeness. But no, let’s forget that this beard carried the Pittsburgh Steelers to the Super Bowl and became the most important collection of facial hair of the 21st Century. I guess some kids who need money for medicine and treatments are more important.

When are we going to stop coddling our children, America?