This is the worst reboot of Lolita ever.

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Links

Kate Upton Gloriously Rejects Darren Rovell’s Valentine’s Day Advances On National TV - If you’re sick of reading about Kate Upton on With Leather, now you can read about her everywhere ELSE on UPROXX! Backlash! Now we’re all Ariel Meredith fans! [UPROXX]

This Man Has Tattoos of Every Major League Baseball Mascot - This Man Is Awesome. [Brobible]

Owen Wilson Balls So Hard In ‘Niggas In Midnight In Paris’ - Someone should rap behind clips of every Woody Allen movie. Do you think Big Bear has seen Stardust Memories? [UPROXX]

Important Dating Advice From The Ladies of ‘Jersey Shore’ - “Ladies, expect your man to not be a normal human being! He should be a weird color and have crazy rage issues. You’ll live happily ever after!” [Warming Glow]

Music’s 5 Newest Illuminati Inductees - Can we induct Chris Brown into the “getting shot out of a cannon into the sun”-inati? [Smoking Section]

The Superhero Movie Guilt Calculator — How Badly Did the Comics Industry Screw the Creators Behind 2012′s Superhero Blockbusters? - Not as badly as they screwed the creators of Daredevil by making that Daredevil movie where he throws dudes in front of subway trains. [Gamma Squad]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 2/13/12 Embraces Hate, Melodrama, Wheelchair Violence - Seriously, whether you like wrestling or not, read pages 6 and 7 of this report. Funniest Raw in history. [With Leather]

The Dark Knight Rises Stole Our Food Truck Idea! - If they’re calling Batman’s plane “The Bat”, they should change the name of the Batmobile to “The Man”. [Film Drunk]

30 Surreal Photos Of A Chinese Sex Toy Factory - This is best read pretending some Chinese equivalent of Veruca Salt is up in the foreman’s office yelling I WANT A DIL-DOE ROIT NOW! [Buzzfeed]

What’s Your Sloth Name? - Brandon? I guess? I don’t know. [HuffPost Comedy]

Greg Brady, Danny Partridge, Sherilyn Fenn, Johnny Fever, Alice Cooper, and Bigfoot. Together Finally - I was hoping this was gonna be a reboot of The Stand. Oh well, close enough. [FARK]

Guess How Much Chris Pine Made For ‘This Means War’ - I can’t imagine there’s a single person in the world that says, “oh, Chris Pine is in that movie? I’ll have to go see it!” Five million dollars? You could’ve gotten JGL for like 1/5th of that. [Moviefone]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Whitney Houston - Thing 11: She has nothing, nothing, nothing. If she don’t have you. [Popcrush]

Probably the saddest thing ever covered by 24 hour news. They could’ve just put up a picture of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes and photoshopped his collar popped. The Ebonics in the title are pretty funny too. They should’ve put “ay,” before it.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
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- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Reports: Beyonce Gives Birth, Twitter Reacts - They named the baby Blue Ivy because Jay-Z is gonna buy the Chicago Cubs and move them to Kentucky! Blergh! [Smoking Section]

Axl Rose Is A Hungry Time Traveler - Axl Rose is such a microcosm of life on this planet, going from a Stephanie Seymour-f**king sociopathic rock star beloved by Beavis to being a fat guy in comedy photoshops. Such is life. [UPROXX]

Which Superhero Franchise Has Produced the Worst Video Games? A (Sort of) Scientific Study - This is pretty interesting, but I don’t buy that Spider-Man had 11 good games. The closet a Spider-Man game ever came to being good was marred forever by MY BALLOOONNNN! [Gamma Squad]

Creepy Got Milk? Ads Throughout the Years - Nothin’ creepy about Yasmine Bleeth. WEll, until later, I mean. [Warming Glow]

An Exclusive Gif from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie - So it’s come to this: exclusive gifs. Hopefully one day we’ll hype movies by getting the stars to warn you on AIM. [Film Drunk]

Sh*t Wookiees Say Is The Definitive Sh*t Said By Someone - Gonna put together a Sh*t Bodysnatches Say video where it’s just people pointing at you and screaming. [UPROXX]

54 Beautifully Offensive Desktop Wallpapers - Keep in mind, they get pretty offensive. I want to create the opposite of these, where it’s a picture of lynchings or Nguyen Ngoc Loan murdering a dude with CORGIS in big capital white letters in the background. [Buzzfeed]

7 Ridiculous Workout and Diet Commercials - Fat Jennifer Hudson is such a creep. Why are you wearing that? I know for a fact that your household has higher fashion standards than that. /coffee slurp [The FW]

Jaleel White Wants To Be On Breaking Bad - Accidentally knocks over the meth lab, asks if he did that, requests cheese, gets put in a headlock by one or more Bushwhackers. America’s white 20-somethings go apesh*t. [FARK]

‘The Simpsons’ Tries For Guinness World Record - The Simpsons should try to make a funny episode. [HuffPostTV]

Batman Gets Seuss-ified - The best part is that Joel Schumacher already made the modern day Grinch/Cat In The Hat-style Seuss Batman movie, where he’s just sarcastic the whole time and makes adult jokes. It’s called Batman & Robin. [Unreality]

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Photoshop Challenge: Come At Bane, Bro - That pose still makes me think people should be photoshopping him into Moonwalker. I really don’t want Zoidberg-face Bane to be the Venom of the Batman movie franchise. [UPROXX]

Louis C.K.’s Advice To Young People - The world would be a lot better if we listened to him more, and listened less to Jim Gaffigan. [UPROXX]

7 New and Returning January Shows You Should Seek Out and 7 You Should Avoid - Avoid: basically everything debuting in January. Seek out: Venture Bros. DVDs. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Buy a PS Vita - #6. Portable gaming is for babies and yeah, Patapon is pretty awesome when you’re in line at Walgreens but so is talking to strangers. [Gamma Squad]

Meet The New GamePad Controller For iOS Devices - Like I said. If you’re gonna use a controller bigger than the screen, you should probably just be playing at home. Or at an arcade, if one still exists near you. This doesn’t make Angry Birds any more fun to play on the toilet. [Smoking Section]

Man Misses Mouse And Shoots Roommate, Revealing Child Rapist - I love that Vince got the best story of the year out of the way early. I feel like “making a girl hide in a closet for any reason other than hide-and-seek or hilarious stakeouts” should be Instant Death Penalty. [Film Drunk]

Who Gets To Continue To Be Awful At Their Job And Who Does Not? - Anything with a Flintstones header gets love from me. If I had it my way, With Leather would be a Flintstones fan site and I’d be doing slideshows about The Twitch. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

20 People Who Don’t Know What A New Year’s Resolution Is - My new year’s revolution: 360 degrees. [Buzzfeed]

12 New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 Moviegoers - Mine are “see more movies at Alamo Drafthouse, where people get kicked in the ass for texting” and “make somebody release a Criterion Collection edition of City Lights“. [Moviefone]

5 Actors Who Got Their Start on ‘Punk’d’ - I like knowing that Whitney used to look like even more of a plastic surgery monster. They should make an “actors who got their end on Punk’d” and put Brandy on it. [The FW]

Five Shows That Started Off Slow (and Have Since Hit Their Stride) - I am going to strangle the next person who tells me ‘Happy Endings’ is good. Kim Bauer making Scrubs face about Scrubs-level jokes is not my idea of a good show. [Unreality]

Hero: Jessica Alba had a baby in August and looks like this in a bikini now - Welp. [FARK]

The 10 Best Movies You Didn’t See in 2011 - I never got around to seeing Thor, does that count? [Pajiba]

As a kid who grew up fearing the pink aisle because of what it said about me, I’m happy kids like this are starting to exist.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I spent Christmas Eve facepalming in Cowboys Stadium and I don’t even like the Cowboys. If you got gifts and want to let strangers know about them, tell us what you got in the comments section below. We’ve got staggered, “thread” style commenting enabled now, so people can troll you directly.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

On A Christmas Story, Its Lessons For Hip-Hop & Biggie Smalls - “Rich and chocolate like Ovaltine!” – Ludacris, probably [Smoking Section]

New And Improved And Watchable Jingle All The Way - This makes me want to spend all day watching Commando. [UPROXX]

The 100 Greatest Christmas Shows - My pal Mike Westfall’s list from 2004, which sadly cannot include Annie Edison putting baby Jesus in the tree. Still a pretty definitive list. [Progressive Boink]

All I Want For Christmas Is A ‘Game Of Thrones’ Teaser And A Fresh Prince Reunion - My weirdest and most Abed-like career goal is to buy (or recreate) the set from The Fresh Prince, live there, and occasionally have James Avery stop by and hang out with me. Getting him to say WHAT THE BLAZES would be a bonus. [Warming Glow]

20 Screaming Santa Visits - I feel like kids who cry on Santa’s lap are fundamentally wrong, and this should be an indicator that what you’re doing isn’t working. A child should not be terrified of someone who wants to give them tons of gifts and already has their parents’ permission. They’re going to suck when they get older. [Buzzfeed]

The Colts Choked When They Tried To Suck - That gif is just the greatest thing in the world. And yes, the Texans blowing that game was a Christmas present to Indianapolis and/or St. Louis, you can’t convince me otherwise. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hey Zelda Fans – The Timeline Exists, And Here It Is - I can’t believe I’m actually looking at this thing. It’s like I’ve found my way to El Dorado. [Gamma Squad]

Every Batman Suit Ever - Also, a great reminder that everything ever said by Batman not written for The Animated Series or the Justice League cartoon is f**king stupid sounding. [Film Drunk]

The 25 Greatest MMA Photos Of 2011 - MMA would be 100% better if they didn’t do that forced staredown thing every single time. Also, pro wrestling would be better if they didn’t try to do the MMA staredown for their video packages every week. [Cage Potato]

Lindsey Vonn Says She Isn’t Dating Tim Tebow - … but isn’t “opposed” to dating him. Well, hopefully that changed after this weekend. [Sportress Of Blogitude]

ACW: Delusions Of Our Childish Days 2011 - The Dirty Dirty Sheets review of the latest Anarchy show in Austin. Still not 100% on why I’m not their correspondent for these things, but hey. Rachel Summerlyn in a Santa suit. [DirtyDirtySheets]

Yes, my parents were awesome. (Also, confirmation that my hairline has always been right there.)

Links

A Golden Treasury Of Awkward/Weird/Awesome Family Holiday Photos - This would be even funnier if it didn’t remind me of a box of photos in my parents’ basement. I don’t think it’s possible to take a family photo without some level of weird/awesome. [UPROXX]

The 10 Funniest TV Episodes of 2011 - One day like 8 years from now I’m going to turn to someone and say, “hey, you know what’s an awesome show? Happy Endings.” And they’re gonna go I WAS JUST THINKING THAT. Unfortunately that means 7 more years of me thinking Happy Endings blows. [Warming Glow]

American Psycho Updated for 2011 - Incredible and appropriate. They should use this post to write the new script. [Film Drunk]

No, Robin Is Not In The Dark Knight Rises, But Here’s A Better Easter Egg - People thinking Hines Ward’s last name is a reference to Robin is lame, but that pearl necklace thing is pretty outstanding. Can’t wait to see this, no matter how critical I am/have been. [Gamma Squad]

“Mmmphgh Abiryrt Mphdgjkdhd” said Bane. “Fark” said Warners - “Get a grip” says Brandon and anyone who doesn’t need to have their hand held while watching movies. [FARK]

“X-Men With Googly Eyes” Greatly Improves Bad Covers - This is maybe the best idea a person has ever had, and I’m sad I didn’t start doing it 20 years ago. I want to be the googly eyes magnate :( [Gamma Squad]

25 Wikipedia Personal Appeal Juxtapositions That Bring The Lulz - 25 Wikipedia Personal Appeal Juxtapositions put lulz in a basket and made sure to bring it to this thing we’re at. It has been brought! [UPROXX]

Common Confirms Drake Diss, Pusha T Adds Fuel To The Fire - Drake just got dissed. Negaduck. [Smoking Section]

The Best Fails Of 2011 - Is “best fails” one of those Wikipedia juxtapositions? [Buzzfeed]

Best Movie Dogs of 2011: From Uggie to Skeletor, the Top 11 Canine Co-Stars of ’11 - Karate Dog better be on here somewhere. Don’t lie to me, that movie was made in 2011. [Moviefone]

The 10 Best SNL Sketches of 2011 - #1 Gilly goes to the supermarket, #2 Gilly spends eight minutes talking about the time she went to the supermarket, #3 Ladies and gentlemen, Jessie J. [Pajiba]

Seven Movie Trailers for 2012 That Look Promising - Real talk: I don’t like Lord of the Rings but the The Hobbit trailer got me amped as f**k. [Unreality]

It ain’t gon’ be nothin after that.

Links

UFC 140 Aftermath Part I: Jon Jones Puts Doubts, And Machida, To Rest - But honestly, what do you expect? You can’t get the nickname “Bones” by being passive. Unless you’re Leonard McCoy. [Cage Potato]

The 10 Stupidest Characters in Street Fighter History - These all come from later games, as if “T. Hawk” wasn’t f**king stupid. [Gamma Squad]

New Dark Knight Rises Poster: ‘The Legend Ends’ - Batman Begins was as iffy to me as The Dark Knight was good, so there’s a 50/50 chance this movie will make me sad. I need Bane yelling I WILL CRUSH YOU and trying to run at me repeatedly, dammit. [Film Drunk]

A Collection of ‘Community’ Christmas GIFs - Won’t you be my daddy? I’m a silly Christmas baby! [Warming Glow]

Apple Store Opens In Grand Central, Thousands Of Apple Slavish New Yorkers Lose Their Minds - You know the drill. There are no funny Apple jokes or observations left. It’s the airplane food of commerce. [UPROXX]

My Weekend With The Black Keys’ “El Camino” - If you listen to the radio in Austin, every weekend is your weekend with The Black Keys. And Foster The goddamn People. [Smoking Section]

Yee Haw My Family Is Traumatized - How about those people on the football team known as the Cowboys?? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The 40 Best Protest Signs Of 2011 - And the sign says you got to have a membership card to get inside. HUH! [Buzzfeed]

The Ten Most Inappropriate Christmas Songs Ever Rrecorded - “Santa Baby” is the worst and least appropriate, especially when sung by Taylor Swift, which is what makes that Annie scene from last week’s ‘Community’ so amazing. [FARK]

A Broken Soul Stares from a Pair of Watering Eyes: The Most Intriguingly Odd Television Characters of 2011 - Update: Claire Danes is still not interesting. [Pajiba]

Five of the Worst Movies by Otherwise Great Directors - Lists like these always devolve into commenters agreeing about how much they hate the Coen Brothers, which is the worst conversation a person can have. [Unreality]