The Left-Wing Elitist Media Whatever Guide To Jason Collins Coming Out

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.29.13

Jason Collins gay

NBA center Jason Collins came out today via magazine cover (the best way to come out, I think, if you have that luxury), and I encourage you to read everything you can about it. Here’s a snippet from the Sports Illustrated story:

I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.

I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I’m happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn’t the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, “I’m different.” If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I’m raising my hand. (via SI.com)

You’re going to read a lot of unnecessary commentary about it today, so I’m not going to beat you over the head with another LIBERAL BALLYHOO thing about the importance of a gay athlete in pro sports in the 2010s. I will, however, help you deal with some of the shit you’re gonna read in advance, because it’s almost cripplingly obvious.

Here’s your field guide:

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Sweet Tat, Rick Pitino

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.26.13

Ladies man and the reigning best college basketball coach in the state of Kentucky and beyond, Rick Pitino, is a man of his word. That word? Tattoo. That word elaborated? Pitino told his Louisville Cardinals during the 2012-13 basketball season that if they won the National Championship, he would get a tattoo to commemorate the occasion. Sure enough, The Ville prevailed and became the 2013 Men’s Basketball Champions, and Louisville senior associate athletic director Kenny Klein Tweeted the above image this morning.

Not to be outdone, a still drunken “Papa” John Schnatter stormed into the tattoo parlor and shouted, “You think yer f*ckin cool or something, Pinocchio? I’ll get a f*ckin tat right on my balls that says, ‘F*ck Kentucky!’ because I’m the biggest f*ckin Looooville fan in the world. I drive a f*cking Camaro, bro, you don’t even know! Yo, tattoo guy, put an eagle on my d*ck!” And then he passed out in a puddle of vomit that looked like garlic butter dipping sauce.

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F**k You, Early 90s Rainstorms: The Shawn Kemp Umbrella Exists

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.25.13

Shawn Kemp umbrella

From the creativity magicians at UNDRCRWN comes the REIGN UMBRELLA, an umbrella in the style of Seattle Supersonics great Shawn Kemp that protects you from rain, and, I’m assuming, reign. You can order it here, and by “can” I mean “should definitely.” (via That NBA Lottery Pick)

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Shawn Kemp umbrellaThere Is A Drawing Of A Penis On The Mars Surface |UPROXX|

Check Out These New Season 4 ‘Arrested Development’ Photos |Warming Glow|

Zach Braff is using Kickstarter to fund his next movie, and people are pissed |Film Drunk|

These College Football Playoff Logos Are Boring, So Let’s Make Our Own |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

Ranking Non-Playoff NBA Teams By Who’s Likely To Win A Championship First |Smoking Section|

A Brief List Of Things More Worthless Than A Joe Theismann Guarantee |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Important NBA Playoffs Question: Is It Physically Possible To Punch A Commercial?

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.24.13

Even after my team locked up the worst record in the NBA, I’m trying hard to enjoy the NBA Playoffs because I think what LeBron James and the Miami Heat are doing this season, despite being what we’ve expected them to do from day one, is legendary stuff, and I think that the West is going to provide us with some exciting basketball all the way through Game 7 of the Conference Finals, before the eventual winner has to play the Heat in the NBA Finals.

Two things, though, are annoying the bejesus out of me. One, as always, is the completely idiotic scheduling that gives teams two days off between certain games, and is the reason why BASEketball gave us that hilarious scene about drawn out playoffs. The other, though, can only be explained with a Seinfeld reference. You know how Kramer practically has a seizure every time he hears Mary Hart’s voice? Well, that’s me with will.i.am.

Except instead of a seizure, I get really punchy. Case in point, ESPN’s “That Power” NBA Playoffs commercial, starring will.I.am and players from all of the playoff teams except for the ones that ESPN and the NBA don’t care about.

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Kevin Durant Is Tired Of Being No. 2 On The New Cover Of Sports Illustrated

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.23.13

With the first round of the NBA playoffs underway, Kevin Durant is on the cover of the latest issue of Sports Illustrated and he is upset about something. I can’t quite put my finger on what he’s getting at, but maybe you can decipher it from this very vague quote that accompanies his image:

“I’ve been second my whole life. I was the second-best player in high school. I was the second pick in the draft. I’ve been second in the MVP voting three times. I came in second in the Finals. I’m tired of being second…. I’m done with it.”

I’ll tell you the first thing that I noticed – this is a fella that loves to say, “I”. “I” this and “I” that. Last time I checked, an entire team finished second in last year’s NBA Finals, Kev. Otherwise, I like this cover a lot. I like the emotion and the intensity. I like the message.

So I was thinking we could make this a theme and give Kevin the cover every few weeks with a different message about something that’s bothering him. Call it therapy. In fact, I even made a few that he can use.

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Falling Out Of The Chair Wheelchair Basketball Layup? Falling Out Of The Chair Wheelchair Basketball Layup

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.22.13

wheelchair basketball layupSorry for the wordiness of that headline. If you stare at it long enough it looks like it says CHAIR CHAIR CHAIR CHAIR. But still, a wheelchair basketball player made a lay-up while falling out of his wheelchair and that deserves as many typings of CHAIR as possible.

From the YouTube description, which is trying its best to get this clip on SportsCenter:

Brian Bell of the RHI Indiana Pacers drops it like it’s hot with this crazy out of the chair layup in the 2013 NWBA Division 1 National Championship in Louisville, KY. The Mavs defeated the Pacers but this shot was amazing. Everyone please share and help us get it on Sports Center! Share with hashtag #SCTOP10

It definitely deserves a spot in the Top 10. Brian has officially replaced Melissa, Zack’s girlfriend from that one very special episode of ‘Saved By The Bell,’ as the best wheelchair basketball player I’ve ever seen. Tweet this out, friends, and make sure to use the appropriate hashtag.

[h/t to Bob's]

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